Tag Archives: Work

138: Oh Gosh, It’s Just Thursday!

18 May

A lot of me, if not all of me, has been under the presumption that every single day of this week has been Friday. It first hit me when it was just Tuesday, thanks to the number of absentees my class. I just randomly figured it must be the effect of the weekend; and what a horrible killjoy my reality was. It happened on Wednesday, and now today as well. But at least we’re inching closer towards the weekend that I so desperately want because a) weekend, and b) our summer holidays are almost here and getting to school has just become tediously difficult.

I love summer mornings, the sun is up and out at a peachy time, it’s cool outside, and it’s just the perfect ambience to wake up to. But come 8am and all hell breaks loose. Some classrooms feel like furnaces, where the functioning of ceiling fans is futile. I have no idea how students sit through the entire day of classes in that heat. What a task. I’m certain none of us can wait enough to get to the final Friday of this term. But that’s still a little while away.

Oh man, it’s just Thursday, folks! The time to unwind is here, almost. And we’ll have to just wait.

136: Dissociation

16 May

Dissociate (v.): to severe, to separate, to cut, to remove.

I just walked out of class talking about a certain classification of psychological disorders that fall under this category. And yet time and again, I find myself unable to do the same between my work and me. If flitting from one classroom to the other, inflicting one scolding after the other, taking one lesson after the other, being present continuously one after the other isn’t enough, I find my waking and sleeping zones plagued with all of this clutter too.

I can’t seem to dissociate.

I’m trying, but it’s taking much longer than I thought.

From ceasing bringing work home (as much as a teacher possibly can) to physically shutting every single work-related thought out of my way at home, it’s a monumental effort that’s not effortless at all.

It’s so easy to cut, break off, walk away. But I have no idea what the key to this severance is, if at all.

135: Red Pen Memories

15 May

I’m sitting with a red pen, armed almost, and remembering the seed of fear it had germinated in me. The sight of a red pen in any of my work was only welcomed when it re-affirmed the best of my capabilities; and dreaded at other times. I wonder if it continues its legacy with the students whose work I mark today. Is there fear, or just complacency now? Kids today fear less, or fear different things. How far or how effective this colour is on their answer sheets is one I can only guess or confirm upon clarification.

Flitting between the rustle of papers, I feel odd and out of place in a bodily experience. Is this really me? Never did I think of being here, again. Never did I plan for any of this. Little did I imagine making someone chase marks again.

It’s a strange feeling.

For now I’m caught in the urgent thoughts of many squeezed in a 60-minute clock. There are spews of panic, confidence, confusion, “silly mistakes” (oh how I hated that word, because I made so many of them), hurry, and a slight streak of calmness. I can’t help but smile, and also grimace at the same time.

131: Glorifying Busyness

11 May

has been one of those ideas my mind has toyed with for a long time now…you know, the kind of busyness that seldom allows room for anything else to show face even? that kind of preoccupation where there’s no scope for anything else. It was something I’d wished desperately for especially last year when I needed an anchor for myself and the straying frays of my mind. I have that today, thankfully. Except I’m left with time to really.do.nothing.else. when I’m in the throes of this busyness I so wanted. Not even the time to breathe, forget sit or drink water or even grab a bite.

Which sucks to be honest. There’s nothing more uncool than this feeling of running against time no matter how smartly you’ve tried to schedule your work.

I’ve been on this self-preservation drive for a while now. Nothing can or should or will come before those things in my life which need to take precedence over everything else – my health; my mental, emotional, and physical stability; my time; my relationships; my peace. It’s coming at a cost unfortunately; sometimes in the form of either staying back to tide my plate over or just losing some chunk of work or money, or both. It’s always about weighing those options against what you can and are willing to compromise and compensate with. Each of us have our own circumstances, our own journeys, our own experiences to help us draw these boundaries the way we do.

Back then I remember wanting this because the combined force of leaving home, adjusting to a new life and a new place, apart from the various hoard of responsibilities that came rushing my way, made me want to seek cover, an escape, something to find refuge in. Work has helped me find that solace. And now that I have it, it’s a balancing act of propelling this busyness with glorifying the simpler and more important things in life as well – in groundedness, in stillness, in quietude, in being able to clear my mind when I want to, in being able to live in the moment, in finding my zen and thriving in it, and allowing absolutely nobody else to encroach into my zone of zen.

It’s my own creation, my own discovery, my own salvation to attain in this glorification of busyness that’s gotten us all spinning past scooting days on a calendar, completely unaware of time, space, or even ourselves.

This is an effort, and one I’m working hard at. Or that’s what I’ve promised myself and the dark circles I’ve brought upon myself, among other things.

*clinks her glass full of iced tang at the one you’re sharing with her*

Here’s some music therapy along with some iced tang therapy for dark-circled men and women who need a minute to be still.

 

 

Peace and namaste to you.

128: Wisdom

8 May

Sucking on this ice lolly rather whimsically, I can’t help but think of this prayer that I once used to begin my workday with back while working at a rehab.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This Serenity Prayer was just another routine thing I mumbled back in the day; a formality, a must-do, a not so crucial thing that didn’t really make a difference to my life. I didn’t know, and I couldn’t have cared less. I was there to do my work, get the job done, and get my ass back home from that all-male rehab which wasn’t the most pleasant of settings I imagined spending my summers in. But it was the need of that hour, and it was to be done minus much preoccupation.

Today is a different time. It’s seven years later, a long enough period for a lot to have happened, even if one was inert, existentially or otherwise. This has been a recurring thought to me off-late – to let go, to let go, to let go in absolution. I haven’t inspected the fear of letting go in absolution; no I have not. Neither have I bothered looking over the cliff to see the view and/or the fall. Like many things universal, this cliche is definitely easier said than done. But I’m fighting hard to not just try. And each day for a while now, has been exactly that – a reminder to work towards jumping off this cliff.

Sucking on this rather comforting lolly, I wish to, by action, also tell the world to go suck it.

I’m taking what’s mine and I’m walking away – go suck it.

I’m drawing my lines and you nasty, line-encroacher you, can go suck it.

I’m not going to care, and you can go suck it.

Watch me make 50% become my new 100% while you, my dear universe, can yes, go suck it.


This has made me feel better, strangely. I felt like I’ve left what’s unnecessary and jumped off the cliff. Or maybe that’s the soothing comfort of the ice lolly speaking – the sheer blindness of denial. Whatever it is, I’m feeling better already – a little less of me is preoccupied with things that really don’t matter (which I thought really did), and a lot of me is urging to fight this battle as hard as I can.

I hope you had a more fruitful Monday. Have this ice lolly, and suck it. Trust me.

(PS, thank you for stomaching the rant. I owe you!)

122: Impromptu

2 May

In being caught up with my work and owing to the nature of my work, drawing lines and boundaries becomes both necessary and difficult. I’ve failed a 100% at leaving work in school just as how successfully I’ve managed to leave home out of my work. It’s not where I imagined being and neither is where I want to be. 

Yesterday was so overwhelmingly exhausting that it showed on me before I could realise it. A couple of my colleagues asked me if all was well, which I affirmed. 

And then I couldn’t get out of bed today. It has been everything and all that put together in a nasty combination of fatigue. I’d say a lot of me is taking undue and unnecessary stress; a hazard that met its fate soon enough. An impromptu leave to recoup was requisitioned post which I woke up only to a phone call from work a couple of hours later. 

My husband made us tea and breakfast, which was a treat. The day has passed, during which I did nothing else. Yet it feels like I’ve been up to my nose in work and tasks, as if to jab at my sense of productivity. 

Couple that with being in an antsy and crabby mood, and it has turned out to be a break of sorts. When did I get so caught up to feel this useless and irritable about things in general? Classic signs of stress and burning out, if I were to diagnose myself. 

Too much for an impromptu late evening walk to salvage, either. Sigh. 

121: Manic Mondays

1 May

As much as I wanted to avoid this cliche, it’s here and it’s alive. I’m too exhausted to sit, stand, speak, think, or even move. I felt my energy drain off me quite early in the day which could only mean one of these two things – that my body needed a good dose of carbs or that I’m falling sick. It’s a fatigue I can’t describe; one that makes me too tired to sleep. Whoddathunk this line of Coldplay’s song would actually play out in my life one day – when you feel so tired that you can’t sleee-eeeep, stuck in rever-err-erse. I’m really hoping for those lights though. I’ve never wanted them this bad.

 

I hope you’ve had a better Monday, dear reader. And I sincerely hope to get past this weird phase of ranting. Thanks for listening, though! :)

114: Manic Monday

24 Apr

My posts are increasingly a review about the days that come and sometimes crash into me or days I mostly walk into with some sense of chaos. I hope to work on that and write more about meaningful things, except the only meaningful things that occupy my mind are that of school and class-related work. It’s something I’m working on.

Before reflecting on today, let me quickly reflect on the embarrassment that was yesterday’s RCB match. I’ll assume they have a menacingly dense grey cloud holding fort right above their heads, because there’s just no other explanation to that. I mean I actually have no words for the joke of a nightmare that experience was. But I’m an RCB girl, and I’ll just have to give my team the best vibes and thoughts I can. FOOLS.

Today was about learning, throwing myself out there a little more than I’m used to, and tackling fear by its horns. It turns out that rushing head-on into a fear sort of dismantles it instantly. I was left feeling victorious, empowered, and so silly for being afraid of something I’d obviously magnified in my mind over the weekend, and therefore consequently wasted so many brain noodles on this stress.

There’s a palpable joy in accountability, in watching someone, even if it is one person, turn to you and say thank you with genuineness. Sense of self and confidence intact, gratitude patches even the most fulfilled souls. Maybe this is what keeps teachers going despite the cruel hell their daily life can be, on an okay day. Maybe it is about being a little more than a forgotten speck whom the world walks past. I don’t know, and I’m not sure.

Meeting students fresh out of their board exams, students I’ve never met before, and students who looked at me as though my being there made a difference to them (even though talking about an exam is the last thing anyone wants immediately after a paper), was an eye-opener today.

Every single day is a new day, and every single day brings forth an opening leaf with fresh lines to read, learn, and cherish.

112: Of Weekends With No Time

22 Apr

Today was one of those Saturdays that didn’t feel like one. For starters, the two of us went to work, which, for now, seems like something we’re making a part of our lives, just like the million others out there who work on every single Saturday. Top that with time for nothing else but to collapse and de-heat our minds and bodies, and we were done with yet another precious weekender.

It’s been a day of tremendous running around, and it’s been a day where my routine has gone out the window. No groceries, no weekly preps, no nothing has happened. The once upon a time me would’ve cared and panicked. Now I couldn’t care about tomorrow any more. We’ll see it when it gets here.

For now, I’m slinking into some stress-relieving tv shows, and a chicken curry rice meal I made somewhere between post lunch and tea-time, in record time. This is my comfort for today – to just be with whatever I have.

107: Under Water

17 Apr

I’m drinking a batch of detox water I made yesterday – my first ever – thinking about just how incredibly and totally unexpectedly bitter it has turned out to be. I thought I’d like it, enjoy it, even. But today seems to be themed around this concept of unexpectedness.

First there was this. Not that it’s a big deal, but its recency makes it feature here first.

Then there was today in its entirety – a storm. I mentioned the coming of this storm here, and so it has arrived in full force. A lot of me is thankful for not knowing where my day went, and how, too. I’ve never been a class teacher in my life, and today was my first day. I did have stressful dreams resulting in broken sleep about it, but nothing can really prepare you for any sense of reality, no matter how hard you prepare yourself. A part of me just let go and left it to the elements of this storm to either render me useless or stronger than before. I still haven’t gathered where I stand, but that I managed to make it through today, sure feels like an achievement.

This post may in retrospect seem funny, and even juvenile, but today was a day that’s been a while coming, and one that we were anticipating with its share of force and destruction. There was no time to sit, no time to stand, no time to catch a breath, and no time to give myself two minutes. Sometimes you need to not give a fuck because I reckon people like me give too much of it, unnecessarily at that. Hopefully this philosophy will work tomorrow, but for now, neither do I have the energy to stomach this drink, and neither do I have the inclination to open my books and study for the next day.

Given the circumstances I’m in, and all procrastination aside, a lot of my blogging has taken a hit as well. I’m going to try and not allow it to get to me just yet. Sometimes I find myself writing my thoughts on pieces of paper, sometimes on abandoned word documents, sometimes even on shuffling notes on my phone – only to try and compile them into a post when it’s time. It has been overwhelming, and it has resulted in me missing posting over here. However, I’m not accepting defeat till I’m certain I can’t see this challenge through. In my mind, it still does count that I wrote even if I didn’t log in here to write it out and publish it. But rationalizations aside, it’s something that gives me a sense of purpose and peace like nothing else has so far. Wish me luck, and air to breathe, will you? :)