Tag Archives: Relationships

153: The Thrill In The Uexpected

2 Jun

Ever since I got here, I’ve experienced a series of unexpected joys. As I was very matter-of-factly walking towards the bus shuttle after exiting the airport, I chanced upon the first bus in line, which was relatively empty, that I decided to get home by. On approaching the bus, there she was sitting right in the front seat in direct sight – my first ever psychology teacher from back in the day. One really finds it difficult to sum up all the feelings that bubble and gurgle within you…a fine blend of shock, excitement, confusion, joy, thrill, all woven into a fabric of beautiful memories put together. We couldn’t believe our chance meeting – on a bus out of so many buses, at an airport of all places; and after what’s soon going to be 15 years. Of course this count was meant to highlight just how long it’s been, except it also reminds me just how long ago I finished my 10th board exams. It goes without saying that we spent the rest of the bus ride seated next to each other, sharing titbits from our life and experiences, and how the journey has been so far. To say that the ride was too short would fall short of how I felt; where’s that traffic jam when you really need it?!

In-keeping with this, and as if I hadn’t walked back in time enough, I passed my school during functional school hours yesterday for the first time since I’d left it. As I drove past it, I couldn’t resist the urge to get off the car and walk right in, to just perhaps see if I could meet the teachers I’d once spent every single day of my life with. And I did. I still cannot describe the feeling; perhaps the connections run so deep that they’ve remained embedded somewhere within me in a place that’s hard to access. Time really isn’t enough when you’re walking down memory lane. Sometimes words aren’t, either.

It’s a strange feeling, this. There’s always been an indefinable friction within me to go back to where I came from. Notwithstanding the trying times that they were, and not discounting the amazing things that were also happening back then, it really isn’t a road I like to walk down. Things change, people change, everything changes. Apart from this insecurity of not being remembered or being acknowledged like you perhaps once were, it’s this strange tug of war stepping back in time versus watching your memories from the safety of disconnected distance. As I walked away from these two episodes, it only reminded me that as the years pile up, so do our own thoughts and perceptions of the whats and hows. To say I didn’t take away so much from these experiences and in turn give so much to these experiences as well, would negate the actual power of reminiscence, time, and life itself.

130: Girlfriend Time

10 May

There’s no denying the balms that are mom-time and girlfriend-time. I’m a sucker for both, and a hardcore fan of both, too. It was yesterday while tinkering around the laptop waiting for A to come back home from a super late work-day, that P from the states buzzed me. It’d been a while and given that she’s a new mommy trumps everything else. But she calls whenever she can, and we speak. The last time that happened, she asked me if all was well and said that I needn’t let the world or its stresses affect me, almost automatically once we said hello to each other. Yesterday, she needed to hear the things that I was telling her, or that’s what she told me as I went on yapping away like I always do. I even FaceTimed with her baby daughter, who looks just like her father, which P and I almost telepathically grimaced about for a fleeting second. It’s one of those we carry you for nine months (and a lifetime) and you still turned out like your dad harmless and non-regretful funda that gets a lot of us women, you know?

Today has also been an off which I spent a lot of propped up on my elbows texting my girlfriends, who are, by the laws of nature, in different parts of the world. But you take that and suck it, universe, because we still can be with each other whenever we like. Random small talk and rants spiralled into full-blown ventilation sessions and conversations that did naturally revolve around life, the men in our life, the domesticities in our life, the work-life imbalance in our life, and of course, the necessity to stand strong in life. It’s funny how different perspectives in the same conversation take shape and make you see various mirrors that you probably never show yourself, or know exist. My mother and my girlfriends are those mirrors. Not to be sexist, because my brothers and my husband are my main mirrors too, but I’m sticking to title specifications right now.

Anyway the conversations made me think about my life and my journey and assess where I stand in all of it. It’s all easier said than done, because each of us has our own contributory factors that make our experiences our own. It’s as simple and point-blank as this forward that my aunt sent us the other day – if we were all to sit at a table and present our problems for someone else to take, we’d all leave the table taking along with us our own problems and no one else’s. It sort of made absolute sense irrespective of just how much one might crib or feel troubled.

But having said that, there’s no better mirror to look into than a good, hearty, honest conversation with your support system, whoever they may be. Mine are my family and my friends; all with different curvatures for the view they need to show me whenever I turn to them.

68: Trying Sufficiently Hard

9 Mar

The past week has made me realise what kinda newbie I am, all over again. Sometimes I wish there was a team of newbies, so we were all new and in it together, and when I recall what it actually felt like to be a newbie in a newbie team of newbies sometime ago, I realise it’s time to experience something new. Either way, it wouldn’t have made a significant difference to be honest, because I am a loner. I find solace in my own company, and if that becomes too stale, I relax in the comfort of a cup of tea or coffee. Today it was a double coffee, to go, while I mulled over just how blah and banal I was feeling, in general. Maybe it’s the sneaky doing of a cloud that’s hovering annoyingly over my head; because this mood’s been prowling around me and spoiling my aura (for dramatic fx) for two days now. A lot of me wants to just sleep. A lot of me wants to just burst this stupid cloud and dispose off it immediately.

So, finding solace in the swirls of my bevvy has made me actually succumb to the fact that I am, in fact, not a sociable newbie. Actually, let’s make that not a sociable anything at all. But I’m trying, because I want to. Trying because while that cup of tea is helpful, it’ll only get me so far. Trying because I’ve hidden enough and more behind the safe labels of being more of an introvert than an extrovert. Also trying because if I don’t, no one else will.

The results have been noticeable as I make efforts to hold a comfortable, confident demeanour even though I might sometimes be breaking into an uncomfortable sweat within. It’s a new place, a new culture, a new environment, a new everything. It is, in fact, the first time I’ve ever really spoken to or interacted with people who do not live in Bangalore. Sometimes it’s intimidating, sometimes it’s easier than I imagined it to be. People are being overwhelmingly kind, which I’m grateful for. Perhaps they can see through this “strong” facade and realise just how much help I really need. Haha! There will be highs, there will be lows, and there will be everything we imagine and don’t imagine.

But I guess, that’s just a universal thing, and it’s not going to stop me from trying. Sufficiently hard enough.

51: Not Alone

20 Feb

Back in 2008 when I began my Masters programme, I didn’t think beyond what I had joined college back again for; which was to get on with my studies and move on. It’s been seven years since I completed my MSc., which in itself is astounding for me to write down over here…seven years. That’s three short of completing your tenth board exams, which is 75% of your school life if I’ve got my math right. During that time, I studied in a very culturally varied class. We were an all girls and one male class; most of us residents of places outside Bangalore. Needless to say, those two years passed in a jiffy, and here we are today, each doing our own thing, and walking along our paths as we’ve made it. Class reunions generally happen during weddings, and that was the case with this class too. Except, a lot of the girls in my class got married shortly after one another. Therefore opportunities for our reunions also ran dry eventually.

However, today was a different day after seven long years. A few of us finally made the time to meet each other, and here we were, some with babies, some not, back again, with everything so changed, and yet unchanged. It was during this exchange of stories that I came to realise just how similar our tales are, despite our differences; how together we are, no matter how alone we may feel; how comforting it is, despite how overwhelming it might all feel.

The one thing that stood out to me, above all, was just how important meeting each other really is. If there’s anything that’s therapeutic, it’s the ability to put your feet up, laugh while you drink your coffee, and the reassurance that you’re doing just fine. :)

50: Unchanged

19 Feb

50 days, 50 posts.

Through all the changes, here’s my toast.

While 50 is not much, I think it’s deserving of some special attention, even if it’s with something small.

A lot has changed since I first sunk my teeth into these smilies back in 2006/2007 (I can’t remember).

Then I was a student, now I sometimes wish I was.

Then I thought twice about ordering a plate all for myself, now I can’t do without sharing them for old time’s sake.

Then the waiters hated waiting on us, now they go out of their way to say hello. (It happened yesterday)

Then it was coffee and smilies, now it’s rum iced tea and smilies.

Then they were shared over project discussions, now they’re downed over reminisces and current stressors.

Then we’d wait for money to decide our next meeting, and now we wait for time to be kind.

49: Of Over Ten Years

18 Feb

The thing with girlfriends is this:

we take forever to make plans

we’re almost always caught up in our own shit, a lot of which is known to each other

we’ll take time out from our respective shittiness to meet up and generally forget about the world while we meet

we’ll laugh like we’re sitting in our own homes and most often even speak as if we’re the only ones around

we have no problems talking about anything and everything

we talk about everything and tend to expertly discuss all topics that cross our minds and lives and paths in general

we eat together

we eat some more, together

we counsel each other and find wisdom for ourselves from our conversations

we laugh at each other and with each other

we bitch if we have to

we cry when we really feel like it

we bicker, even

we reminisce, we dream, we talk, we wander, we listen, we hug, we have mini conversations within a big conversation, we sing sometimes, we go crazy all the time.

Today R, R, R and I met after what felt like an unending planning session. We each had our things going on – one was knee deep in work around the time our meeting started, one hadn’t slept much, one had to go shopping after, while I had to finish a few chores after. Lots of food, an ample supply of iced tea, and a river of conversation later, we ended our meeting having forgotten about everything else that was on our agenda even before we’d met. R had downed a couple of coffees and spoke about life with her boy, R forgot about her shopping altogether, R seemed to have eased up from her busy work and home life, and I felt like time played a fast one on us. I guess that’s what happens when you meet your girls, no? Over raucous laughter, snickers, jokes, and inside details, we managed to feel like it was just yesterday all over again.

28: When I Fell Into The Pit Of Overthinking, Again!

28 Jan

Disclaimer: This is me talking to myself, yet again, after tripping into the trap of overthinking, again! :)

Whenever I’m caught in a situation that demands diplomacy, a certain amount of restraint which is considered and associated as being graceful, and one that requires me to not freely speak my mind; it doesn’t take long for all my faculties to fall apart and for me to fail a 100% in seeing that situation through. To simply put it, I cannot handle social circumstances without massive amounts of awkwardness, loathing, and without failing at them. I tend to wear my feelings on my face, especially when they’re at their extremes. You will not see me laughing when I’m angry, and you will not see me stonefaced when I’m joyous. I lack that skill, and sometimes I’m thankful that I do. Of course my honesty has never made me the popular choice, and neither does it make me socially approachable at all. It’s a win-lose situation depending upon my luck and my ability to be poker-faced.

Today when I was brooding over something that has long overstayed its welcome in my mind, a makeshift eureka moment chanced upon me. It is quite simple, to be honest. But most obvious things are frightfully and brutally simple; it’s a wonder how I end up missing their point. And it was precisely this:

if you are at the receiving end of a certain kind of treatment, whether expected or unexpected, pleasant or unpleasant, warranted or unwarranted; take a moment to step on to the other side, take cognizance of said response/treatment, acknowledge it, and move on. 

See, I told you it was so obviously simple and something you probably already knew all along anyway.

Every single peace-loving part of me cannot fathom conflict, dissent or ill-treatment, especially when the concept of accountability is paramount to me. I obsess over not stepping on others’ toes, wherever I may choose to tread, and so it beats me when I do not get the treatment I imagine deserving. Normal people would take this with a pinch of salt, and proceed walking on without looking back. I? I rue. I overthink. I obsess. I question myself a thousand times; just so maybe an answer can emerge; sometimes like a false confession, to make things feel normal again.

However, this luminescent thought today made me realise that it’s okay to proceed. That not everyone is normal, lol! That it’s absolutely, perfectly fine to not be loved, liked, or even be acknowledged by all and sundry. That the ideals you grew up watching, may not be that idealistic anymore after all. That people will be people, and when did people have a spotless track record anyway? That maybe I’m not going to be everyone’s favourite; not everyone is mine. That, most importantly, my life does not begin and end with/at this.

It’s easier said than done, especially when you’re someone who is your worst critic. But the thing that’s becoming evidently clear is that not everyone’s going to love you, like you, respond to you, understand you, or even just know you; even if they’re family. It’s a hard line to draw, but sometimes boundaries do have their purpose and benefits. Knowing when to make them, is essential. I guess this is how society runs. You put on that smile and show up even if that’s the last place you’d rather be, right? Oh well, sometimes. :)

Note to self: see the rubbish that thinking and overthinking can lead to – such a waste of time, energy, and brain traffic. The best things lie in moving on. Haha!

And with that, let’s all have a lovely weekend filled with zero thinking and a 100% living! Cheers!

15: Fortunate Fifteen

15 Jan

Ooooh yeah baby, I’m so glad to be here, and to have made it to the halfway mark of this month. Speaking of which, I think it took incredibly long to get here, no? Maybe I’m still hungover from the speed of 2016, to settle in to the pace of 2017, which seems to be going slower somehow. However, I’m thankful that my mind and will held it together and didn’t fall apart at the beginning, like most journeys towards goals end up in. To those of you who are new here, I’m referring to this goal I’m working towards with some amount of earnestness and a lot of excitement. :) Irrespective of the abysmal lack of viewer/reader participation, which I’m trying not to be affected by, it’s been a rewarding 15 days so far…”write for yourself, and your goal”, is what I tell myself when I see zero comments haha! But there are some precious readers who do take the time out from their busy days to come and read, and that makes every single difference to me. Thank you, dear reader. :) Blogging becomes even more fruitful when you know you’re being read, it truly does.

I honestly didn’t have a plan or structure about this post; only that I came back after a break from writing the 14th post because I needed to soak in some much needed sun, which wasn’t going to wait for me (it really is quite cold, and sitting in the sun has been lifesaving). Nevertheless, as I began writing this post, I found what I wanted to do with it, so yay! :) Here are fifteen things; observations, learnings, insights, and thoughts; that I’ve decided to mark on my 15th post of 2017.

Kindly note: I talk/write in third person not to preach or sound preachy, but because I automatically seem to talk to my own self when I’m writing. :) You’re free to sponge this gyaan if it makes sense to you.


A lot of my 2016 was spent in a zone of conflict. Owing, but not limited to, my experiences as a child, a considerable part of me always took the middle path; the safer one, to be precise. I always wanted to be safe and secure, maintain peace and harmony, and steer clear of dissension and disagreement as far as could. It did come at a huge cost, which I realised much later in the day. I didn’t rebel or question, disregard or break rules as a child through to adulthood. Being in the good books of authority figures gave me the validation I dearly needed; because adults know best, right? Except, when it was time to stand on my own feet, and make decisions that only I had to make, I found myself floundering…because which adult/authority was I to please, how would I get my validation if I even dared disagree with the people I’d looked up to all my life, what would I do if people were not happy with my choices? It was a trap I’d fallen into and one I still am in; and one that people know how to take advantage of. I don’t promote mindless rebellion or conflict, but steering clear from learning to agree to disagree was a mistake I’d made too many times. As a result of which, I didn’t have healthy boundaries, comprehensions, and the perception to think for myself. I’m still caught in the tangles of that web, a situation I don’t see my generation of the family facing at all, and it takes a lot of effort, grit, and thick-skinned-ness to achieve. Standing up for myself and my choices has come at the cost of isolation, judgement, and slammed doors that were shut in my face for defying the authorities that I did. But I’m beginning to feel strong about this, and very aware that my validation comes from my acts and not from pleasing people, so it only means good stuff, right?

This was a long point, and the first because I’ve been in the throes of it for sometime now. I hope the next fourteen are going to be as succinct as many of my relationships ought to be. Haha!


Be kind to yourself. Yesterday, while sunbathing, the girlfriends and I indulged in a little conversation that ranged from cigarettes to boys, marriage to society, housework to cooking. Yes, I think we women really know how to get down to things, quickly. It was then that this concept of our core came up. Someone considered their core to be their parents and siblings; after all they’re the ones who really stand by you through hell and back. I agree with her. But to me, and I mentioned it there as well, I believe our core includes us first. Like ma says, you can only take care of things and people, if you take care of yourself first. What a lady of wisdom (and drama), this motherly of mine is. So yes, be kind to yourself. Give thanks to yourself. And love yourself.


Take life ahead one day at a time. Maybe you knew this, and maybe I had a hint of this, but I never put it in practice because it was so obvious I thought I was doing it. Except, I wasn’t. So one day at a time is a mantra I chant before I panic.


What your parents say isn’t and may not always be your bible. Learn to think for yourself, and act according to the situation.


FUCK SOCIETY, baseless relationships, and whatever it is that does not work for you. Stop swimming trying to find treasures in this dead peoples’ society.


Stop thinking, start feeling. Heart, over head. Moments, over analysis. Feels (in today’s urban jargon), over thoughts. Haha!


Overthinking does not pay even if you’re an ace at it. Tell your mind to stfu whenever you can.


Breathe. Deep breathe. And spoon out that junk from your system with each breath you take. Also, don’t forget to say good riddance, while you’re at it.


Cooking has made me a calmer person, when it’s not a chore. Don’t ask me what I am when it decides to become a chore. :P


Letting go is as easy to do, as it is to say. Just stop giving a shit about so many people, situations, and things. They really don’t know you’re giving so much of a shit about them, and I highly doubt they even care.


Happiness is my steaming hot bath in the morning, my cup of tea peppered with titbits from the newspaper, and sunbathing, off late.


Peace is especially overrated if it’s coming from someone else’s mouth. Find what works for you, make it happen for you, and relish it when it sweeps over you.


Don’t fight when you’re hungry. Also, don’t go hungry when in a fight. It’s the most destructive and unnecessary ego battle. Besides, didn’t fire need fuel in the first place?


Tandoori chicken, leftover pizzas straight from the fridge, teacakes, soups and dals, and coconut chutney are my true loves. They make me happy like spinach makes Popeye sing, literally.


Lastly, love resides a lot in the unexpected and lesser in the expected, more in the unsaid and less in the said, more in what you might overlook and less in all that you search for it to be in. True ya. Basically, I’m learning that ruination lies in expectation. :P


Best of the day to you! :)

Being Married

2 Dec

We turned a grand total of one, last week.
(I hope we turn many more years older, together)

With these months in my kitty, it feels like I can write a book about marriage, and on being married. Maybe I will, some day. But today isn’t that some day. Today I’m doing a little bit of what a lot of my year has been like…

That of complete surrender even when I desperately tried clinging on to the me I knew of all my life.

That of finding a newer version of the same old me.

That of learning to love beyond the cliches.

That of witnessing intensely powerful emotions even when all I wanted was to maybe just have an ice cream or do something simpler.

That of watching love, anger, hate, fear, sadness, and a lot of the unknown, collide, mix and interact.

That of understanding what leaving home really, really meant.

That of figuring out what those tears that I cried during my wedding, meant…much later.

That of  understanding compromise and killing subduing one’s ego.

That of accepting oneself and each other at the our best, average, worst, and ugliest versions, respectively.

That of communication, trust, and freedom.

That of allowing oneself and each other to be vulnerable all over again…love cannot embed or germinate in hardened hearts.

That of finding oneself in this merger of selves.

That of automatically loving the other even when white sheets of anger rained.

That of patience and the magic of time.

That of physical touch.

That of expressing and responding to desires.

That of eye contact.

That of sharing; almost everything (and I don’t mean email passwords).

That of comfort even with bushy eyebrows and forests freely grow on one’s limbs.

That of being co-dependent, not dependent or independent.

That of being alone in each other’s company.

That of picking which battles to fight.

That of understanding each other’s personal space.

That of silence.

That of responsibility, oh of responsibility.

That of not giving up no matter how hard it might get sometimes.

The list is endless, all that I’ve learnt, even more so. It’s been a crazy journey of running, walking, trying to catch up, going out of breath, getting ahead, staying in tune. Sometimes I run out of words to describe the experience, and sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I have learnt more about myself in the past few months than any book or words could have taught me. But I know I wouldn’t have come to where I am today without the help of those I turn to on a very regular basis. Knowing you aren’t alone is the biggest booster.

Marriage is a lot of hard work, I was told many a times. And truer words haven’t been spoken.

But it’s quite the ride if you and your heart are game for it. It’s a heart game; all heart. And it’s beautiful, even when you’ve forgotten to wear waterproof makeup. :)

14 September

14 Sep

I’m still somersaulting in the rainbow of ma’s words. She knows me more than I know myself, but you and I both knew that anyway. There’s no way our parents don’t know the real us, and there’s really no hiding from them spelling the minutest of those details out to us; especially the unpleasant ones. Haha!

R and I honoured our plan to meet each other and she stopped by for a quick but very welcome break, yesterday. With her did she bring not only lots of newness amidst the familiarity, but also an opportunity for the two of us to just be ourselves like old times. Sipping over cups of tea and munching through tales of our every day lives and reflections, we clocked time like I haven’t done in a long while. So many memories were shared, so many new facets of our lives exchanged. The camera and taking photographs were completely forgotten about; or maybe we just don’t really do that sort of thing anyway. It is always hard to say bye, but it’s beginning to dawn upon me that these byes are born more out of gratitude and happiness, than from sadness. The small gifts that come along our way in the form of conversations, chuckles and laughter, a lingering eye contact that speaks of untold yet familiar stories…they’re all for keeps and cannot be filed alongside sadness. R arrived with a gift of sorts for me too, and it has been a delightful sight ever since I laid my eyes on it.

I’m not very versed in cuisines as such, but the possibility of owing a book makes me feel like I have already travelled to the place of its origin. This one is filled with stories, chapters, pictures, and of course, the magical delight of food.

I love South East Asian food for there’s a sense of comfort and fulfilment that always overflows so generously from the steaming bowls and plates they come in. My very limited travails have taken me through streets of food and discoveries that have always been a must do on my list; there’s always so much to learn and grasp.

This book seems to have it all and more. Besides, those pictures. And that fish; oh my.

What a perfect buy.

The thing that really calls out to me are the numerous similarities in the ingredients and methods of cooking Indonesian and Indian food comprise. I cannot wait to discover the treasures in this book; equipping me sufficiently for whenever a travel stop does happen to this famed island. Happies.

S called me ever so randomly yesterday – she has moved countries – and our conversation was rife with peals of laughter and curses, memories and time standing still. I miss her dearly. The last time I went back home to Bangalore was to say bye to her and it was just like how we would’ve said bye anyway – complete with conversations, lots of dancing, food, music, laughter and jokes. Marriage changes things not just for the couple but for their friends as well. But everyone is on their respective journeys and we’ve to learn to incorporate whatever we can into these newfound routes. Mad times. I hope they don’t ever change.

Here’s a song S introduced me to which she played during her wedding, and which I love to bits. Also, it fits because it’s Onam. Onamashamsagal (happy Onam), my dear friends.

*afk, dancing*