Tag Archives: Moving On

17: Love Lives Here

17 Jan

17th January never meant anything to me, and neither is it a day I picked out of my calendar to remember specifically. 18th January is a birthday, and so on, but 17th January holds no birthdays, anniversaries, or notes in my mind’s “do not forget” folder. And I’ve been unaware of its significance for 19 years so far.

As the calendar shuffled to today, I still woke up to my regular routine, and continued on.

Today marks the 20th year.

17th January, 2017, marks two decades since our family began what would be the next phase of its journey. I remember 1997 in hazes, but in very distinct hazes. It was the year we arrived in Bangalore in the hope to settle, and call it home. Twenty years is a lot to comprehend, if you ask me.

I graduated ten years ago. I lost my father and grandfather ten years ago. I got my first job ten years ago. I handled my first client project ten years ago. I smoked my first cigarette ten years ago. I went to a club for the first time, ten years ago. We bought a new, first-hand fridge for ourselves, ten years ago. See? A decade, while vast, is easier to deal with, than the expanse that is a lifetime lived in twenty years.

A lot of my mind used the escape of repression. A lot of my heart is still raw. But a lot of the journey we began twenty years ago, and ever since, is where love came, and stayed. My memories of living started from there; my sense of direction, while largely dormant at that time, took its roots then; my concepts of love, loss, forgiveness, joy, anger, gratitude, and family, took shape then. My sense of self, in its entirety, germinated during that time.

The past twenty years have taught me more than a lifetime ever could. And that is because love lived where our journey took us, those many years back. Love lived in our room on the roof, in our togetherness in that loneliness, in our strength in our companionship, in our protection amidst our insecurities, in our faith in times of uncertainties, in our determination during our weaknesses. Love lived in our abilities to share, hold our ground, and in our unity. Love lived. Love lives here, even today. Love will always live.

Even when journeys take on new roads.

When love lives and encompasses everything around you, even the toughest roads you find yourself walking on, become smooth. The passage of time becomes a mere amalgamation of calendar dates, chunked into one. 17th January disappeared from my consciousness, just like the many thorns that softened and blossomed into the garden this journey’s path was adorned with.

Twenty years.

Thank you, dearest universe, for conspiring, and making it happen.

Thank you, Bangalore, for being home, in every sense of the word.

Thank you, to the many angels we’ve been blessed to cross paths with.

And thank you, darling time, for always being right. :)

Slowing Down, Gearing Up

1 Jun

Some days make you want to slow down and ease that pace out. They make you want to walk instead of run or jog, to take stock of all that’s happening and not happening, to become aware. Some days, on the other hand, make you want to charge right out the door and into the wide world outside without looking, thinking, feeling or even stopping. Days that leave you breathless, that keep you tied yet make you feel like you’ve flown through them without braking.

Today is an odd mix of both; one where I want to slow down and gather my self, my surroundings, my thoughts. It also makes me want to sprint really fast into oblivion without looking back. It’s mid-week and while the working world climbs and eventually makes it past the hump of the week, I feel like I’m sitting atop that hump and watching the view for some strange reason. That I’m sitting in a place that makes me want to stop and start. I’m wondering when I’m going to push myself off this and glide right through it all.

I’m cruising to this today.

 

Perhaps this is what’s causing me to feel the way I am…smooth yet rugged, slow yet racy.

Mood, they call it.

So mood it is.

Trying

8 Jan

Sometimes it’s harder than I’ve allowed myself to experience newness before; yes, sometimes it really is very arduous – of the type that can even make you feel incapable and robbed of triumph, a breath of fresh air and achievement. Why, don’t we all sustain ourselves on a constant need to feel validated; of value to something, someone and most importantly, to our own selves and sense of purpose? It’s hard when the source of that constancy dwindles or hurriedly exchanges hands with the unfamiliar, untouched and inexperienced. It’s a blank slate all over again and sometimes, if you allow the trap to engulf you, it can feel debilitating to watch your efforts erase themselves by default right in front of your eyes. Just because you made a choice.

I never knew the weight of choices before or that they could exist in such depth. Yes, I was taught to be accountable for my decisions and so I’ve grown up to be. But here’s a new bag I see with my name tag on it; one that I assume is for me to carry; laden with the intensity of every choice I’ve made and am now making. Of course we all know that these bags are as heavy as we allow them to be for each of us…a weight we either yield to or one that we carry with a strength that makes it almost invisible. I haven’t really figured this bag out yet and perhaps Time will grant me my appointment to this class I’ve a lot to learn in.

We leave so much up to Time; almost with a sense of deep and sometimes desperate faith to smooth the rough edges out…like that much sought-after escape route to lead us into a space that’s lighter, brighter and more fragrant with belief, security and hope. Time – he makes no promises except to show up, and yet that’s all the comfort we need; in knowing that he’ll arrive even though he never stops or stays.

My bags are by my side and I have arrived somewhere, except that my feet are at a place they’ve never stepped into before. Time, why won’t you stay a while longer and show me the way?

4.5 Or Even 2.

1 May

I think I had an epiphany which is why I left what I was doing and have come here to write. That’s the thing with mid-week holidays… it’s a holiday but whilst it’s so close to the weekend, it doesn’t feel like we’re there yet because there’s so much work to get done. So while I was in the middle of finishing off some stuff, I came here because that light bulb came on.

Call it the wave of inspiration or something cooler, if you want to, but I think I’m surfing that wave because I continue to feel inspired at the most random times. It’s an amazing feeling really. It’s such an instant pick-me-up from the actual shambles my life could possibly be that it makes me not care. And while riding this wave, it hit me that I feel so good about my self and my capabilities and life, in general, because I’m surrounded by people who make me feel this way. There is absolutely no ambiguity in the way I feel and the causes to my feeling so, so good.

And when I tried digging deeper into what this existential adrenaline shot was, I almost instantly figured it was the people I chose to watch, listen to, be around who made me feel what I still do. Is that an eye-opener or is that an eye-opener? Have I been surrounding myself with the wrong kind of people all this while?

I do not mean to say that these inspirational people have spot on lives that click magically like clockwork. We’re, in fact, all in the same boat. But there is a difference. Also, this does not automatically imply that the people I’ve been surrounded by aren’t worth it. It’s just that I guess we need to have different people in our life at the times we do. It really needs to happen. There’s a reason we ought to move out of the nest and do our own thing. There’s a reason why these phases of our lives have been written down in the pages of time and apply to each and every generation that walks the walk of life. There’s a reason why theories of human development have become classical theories of development; because they really do apply to us all at so many levels. I do believe, like how these theorists believe, that every phase needs its resolution before a new one comes by. The fact that I’m still living so many phases unresolved aside, I think there’s a time for everything. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it.

Talking about feeling inspired, I don’t know if there’s a particular feeling one’s supposed to feel or a certain set of things one is supposed to do. All I do know right now is that maybe this sense of moving forward (or wherever) stems from taking a step away from where I’m standing at present. Because given everything that’s going on and how I ought to do xyz at this phase of my life, I’m slowly but quite surely beginning to not care. I wouldn’t term it as rebellion because I’m not doing this in order to get something from somebody else. I’m beginning to not care because I need to not care anymore and I need to not care to move in whichever direction I please.

While not caring can sound childish or even immature, I think given the baggage we automatically carry and are bestowed to carry, it just means having to let go and not be enmeshed anymore. Because we’re all more tied down to so, so many things and people and shoulds and musts, that we’re living the needs of others. Think about it. Maybe we’re obligated by good reason. But really, are we? What’s a good reason to be enmeshed with somebody else, so much so that you’re stuck at every step you take because of the way somebody else feels about that step you choose to take?

Somewhere along the way, I’ve begun to stop caring as much and not feel guilty for not caring. I feel less apologetic, guilty and tied down because I needn’t have to. I needn’t have to comply. I needn’t have to go the way somebody wants me to. I just needn’t. And the thought of it is liberating enough. It’s overwhelming to think how bound we really, really are, and subconsciously so. It’s tough to break free of that and I wonder if we ever will be completely free except that’s a wonder too large to accommodate and deal with.

Therefore, the inspiration I guess. Because really, those people who stand out there doing their own thing and living their dream for themselves are quite often the ones who are standing alone unless you’re bloody blessed. It’s a tough call. But it’s inspiring to know that that even if we don’t (get to) go the whole nine yards, that we have the option to go 4.5. Or even 2. And that’s the thought I’m holding on to. Have a lovely week, folks!

Twisted

7 Apr

I don’t know why I am as distracted as I am. Being a Monday and being normal, it’s only safe to assume that I do, in fact, have work lined up, all of which does have an expected completion timeline that really isn’t far away. But I’m finding it a tad hard to focus this rather normal Monday morning, or noon, as it were.

No, I’ve not had an overly mind-blowing weekend that’s left me hanging in the doldrums today. It was a rather decent week followed by a decent weekend that was just apt. And no, I have no tangible distractions that are contributing to this state of mind. There are no occupationally hazardously good looking/smelling men around, there is no good food, nothing. I’m seeking the help of my trance playlists to help pull me up and out and get that momentum going because none of us likes panic, do we? I’m sure we’d like to seal this day (and every other day) the way we would like to.

What has been on my mind off-late is, or could be, rather innocuous. It’s just the “normalcy” (I’m sorry if I say it ever so lightly) of being a girl that’s been playing on my mind this entire weekend. I haven’t suddenly woken up to realize my reality. It’s something that has been dawning upon me for a while now. Of course, I’m no feminist. Neither do I engage with or acknowledge chauvinists. I find the need to reiterate this every time because sometimes my views come across more strongly than they should. Given that I am as opinionated as I am, it doesn’t help to have the world be misunderstood by what I am or think. Because that’s my playground to play in.

It has dawned upon me that I really cannot just be what I want to be or do. I mean, I can. But I can’t. I have been brought up in and continue to live in an environment that gives me the freedom to be just who I want to be; that gives me the space to discover my individual self. And I feel blessed because, while this subject is so far removed from education or even class, I see so many who really never have a choice. Never. And so, I say, quite humbly, that I do feel blessed to have the choice to find my own path.

But do you also feel like every path you walk on also has invisible threads that pull you in all directions? That you really aren’t as free as you thought you were; that there are always some darned strings attached somewhere? I’ve been feeling this conflict off-late. While I have blogged about this earlier and wrote about it manifesting in rebellious, teenage-like behaviour, I do seem to see more and more of this feature becoming visible in not just the small things in my life but also the rather deeper things in life I thought I had somewhat figured out. Of course, there isn’t a standard set of rules I follow or a book I refer to. But it does get quite disconcerting when what you think and what you see and what you hear about don’t quite match.

For example, we’re told that it’s your right to go ahead and do exactly what you want to, that you have just one life and that you’ve to go grab every opportunity that comes your way, yada yada. But then when you set out to do exactly those things, there are those tiny but rather strong factors that do make you think twice and question yourself, if not hold you back completely. There’s so much of a discrepancy between what you should be, what you want to be and what your reality allows you to be. It’s frustrating. I’m not here to crib because that certainly has got us places. It’s just annoying to have your space but not really.

Living a conflicted amalgamation of what is okay and what isn’t okay by your standards and the standards of those who matter to you is tiring. Some people do it effortlessly because you compromise along the way. We’re not here to please everybody, but it’s important to know whom to drop along the way. When we openly and brazenly talk about not giving an eff, do we really, really not give an eff? Really?

How easy is that path to walk down? And if it isn’t easy, or hasn’t been, then why? That’s my question. That’s my conflict. Where do you draw the line and how soon?

You may wonder what this has to do with being a girl/woman. I say it because a) I am one and not the other, and b) because I’m at that stage of my life right now where I find it harder when compared to the opposite sex, only by comparison and not experience of course. What is okay for me isn’t okay for the other. And what is okay for the other is absolutely ridiculous to me. And I realize that there has to be compromise to reach that common ground which only seems either non-existent or so far out of reach.

I realize that if I truly do not want to give an eff, I need to stop and see what I’m truly deciding not to give an eff about. Because if I were to be ignorant and walk my own path, my own way, I doubt I’d ever get what I’ve truly envisioned for myself. They’re right when they say you’ve got to give to get. First give, at that. And if I’m to use my deductive faculties correctly, that means I need to give an eff first to not give an eff.

Oh, twisted, twisted life and its paths. You really never know what lies around the bend, do you? And is it that easy for a girl to break-off and really not give an eff? I’m in that super distracting moment, now. There’s no wonder.

 

PS, apologies (or not) on the random twistedness of it all. Thank you for listening, if you’ve been patient enough. :)

Timing

27 Mar

This has been on my mind for most of today. Today was one of those days where all I wanted to do was nothing. I wanted nothing in exchange for thoughts, conversations, quietude and the need to just be. It was one of those days. And I don’t see that as a bad thing. Sometimes you really want nothing in exchange for all that you’ve got, all the baggage you’re carrying, all the thoughts you’re playing on loop in your head. Nothing; that sounds good. Emptiness seems appealing. The need to figure what you’re made up of, what walls comprise you and what binds you becomes more than just a need. Because we carry trash. So much of it. All the time. I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

How is timing connected to all this? It’s because I believe there’s a time for everything. Yes, everybody loves saying that, especially when you’re being placated, but yes, timing is it. There’s a time for every single one of us to shine, to fall apart, to rise, to progress, to take five steps behind…there’s a time for everything. There’s a time when we also realize what we need and what we do not need. There’s a time when we realize we’re more important than we think we are. Because there’s a time when we realize this:

Why does it feel so good to get rid of things? To unload, to let go. Maybe because when we see how little we actually need to survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are to strip down to only what we need, to hang on to only what we can’t do without, not just to survive, but to thrive.
Dr. Meredith Grey
Grey’s Anatomy (Throwing it all Away, S10)

There’s also a magic in timing because things come to you when you need them, if not need them the most. And so this came to me today. Because I needed to hear a fictitious television show tell me the truth. I love this show because it has some of the most powerful monologues/dialogues/moments that are real because they feel real and stem from reality. Because if I’m here, writing this, talking about how this makes sense to me at this very moment, then it matters. In fact, it more than just matters.

Letting go, sometimes by force and sometimes by chance, is just one of those things that has to be learned simply because we suck at it. Or let me rephrase that to talk for myself; because I suck at letting go as easily as I would like to. But I’ve tried (and still am) and it’s the best thing ever. It’s the best thing to really, really, not care without vengeance or vindication. It’s liberating to walk on without any strings attached no matter how hard memories and associations pull you back, and repeatedly so. It’s important to break. It’s important to break, to disengage, to move. But, unfortunately or fortunately, it doesn’t come easy. It needs effort. It needs doing to undo. It needs so much hard work.

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But it helps to survive. Because when you take in that breath of fresh air, you feel so alive, so independent, so light. And really, the feeling could be addictive. You need that nothing to feel that breath of fresh air. How can we ever breathe if we’re choking? Through this all, the only thing that’s constantly being reaffirmed is the importance of you; your self. If something doesn’t fit even after trying, it’s got to go. Because it’s important to survive and thrive for your own self. And there’s no selfishness in that. There never will be. Even shadows disappear when we throw light on us the right way.

Here’s to timing and the magic it has lying around every corner, because really, every skipped piece of rock you thought was a part of you may have perhaps just been the stepping stone you needed to move and find what you’re really meant to find.

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All photographs are courtesy the author.

Intuition

22 Mar

Intuition. That’s what pushes us to surge forward or take that step back at that last millisecond. It’s what stays rock solid; unwavering through every single thought and emotion that may arise to conflict or fight it. It’s what stays unfaded way after the moment passes. It’s what comes into power when we need that last piece of advice, that last vote of confidence. It’s what appears from nowhere; unwarranted, unexpected, unapologetically uninhibited.

It’s what sails us through. It’s what we all have but fail to give the importance it deserves. Sometimes. If you’ve been, or are, the intuitive sort who goes with your gut almost every single time, you’re an expert at gauging your senses or maybe you’ve just got a rock-solid faith in yourself. It’s applause-worthy.

Have you ever figured you ought to have listened to your inner voice earlier? Has that inner voice, no matter how soft or subtle, been right, been bang on? I’ve felt it every single time even if I didn’t heed it in the moment.

I’m here not to talk about the miracles of listening to your own self. Neither am I here to preach. I’m here to recognize its power and say just how grateful I am because I’m glad I listened. This one time, at least. Because I stuck to it from the very beginning.

Life has this weird way of making us meet all kinds of people. In retrospect, I guess these people walk our way because we need to realize just how much trash is out there and how important it is to listen to our inner voice. Maybe this is life’s way of helping us be more sensitive to what we’ve been blessed with; to recognize when it’s okay to be stupid and when it’s not, to know when it’s time to walk that path our intuition points towards even if that means having to walk it alone.

Have you ever made “friends” and walked each day with them with that itch knowing something isn’t as right as it should be or should feel like? Have you ever been faced head on with a moment where you trust and bare it all or hold back at the cost of straining relationships? And have you kept your guard up and felt nothing but confident, as opposed to guilt? Isn’t it exhilarating to know you really do not have to fit in at all times, that you can stand out and be pointed fingers at but that you kept your integrity intact, that you didn’t give in because it was the trend to give in?

Call it growing up or learning how to survive this world which is filled with trash where one man’s food is another man’s poison. While it comes at the very (so called) expensive cost of losing out on a lot, it’s reassuring to know that through it all, you managed just fine. That that one sense which probably has the most meek voice, is in fact what helps move mountains. And when you look back eventually, if you care to, you realize that the stuff you thought you missed out on was really just that trash’s trash.

It’s important to make that distinction. It’s important to know the difference between being alone and conforming for the sake of being “accepted”. It’s important to know when it’s alright and when it’s not alright. It’s absolutely okay. Because, in the end, you do emerge unscathed and untouched. There’s no wonder they call it the sixth sense; the one that powers through it all, that makes you rise, even if they’re ashes you’re rising from. Or trash cans, as it were.

Here’s more power to each and every one of us who’s walked the path not taken. Here’s keeping the faith. Here’s moving forward on the road we choose to walk on. Life is such a weird journey. Big love and gratitude all through. <3

IMG_7845 Goa 15 IMG_6143 Acceptance and Admittance My worldview

Sunlight

18 Mar

IMG_9306 IMG_9307 IMG_9308I feel like I’m stuck in some weird sort of continuum whose pace I can’t discern. It’s like time’s both flying and taking its sweet time to cruise along. Do you feel that way sometimes? It’s confusing. But I think the storm of the past few weeks, while still existent, is slowly showing signs of retreating. I only hope it makes its way out asap.

In the meanwhile, through these ups and downs, there have been constant reminders to guide and show me that I’m here because I’m here for a reason; that I’m here because there’s something I’ve done or not done, something I’ve said or not said, something I’ve felt or not felt that has brought me to where I am. While I do believe in the forces of destiny and fate, I don’t belong to the school of thought that overrides human contribution or the power of it to take you places. It helps believing that you can make a difference, that you’re a spoke in this ginormous wheel, irrespective of how minute or visible.

Life’s this journey, or so I see it to be. Sometimes you really just want to stop and take a look around or walk the detour. Everyone travels, but everyone sees different things. We’re all walking the walk in our way and sponging off that which we know gives us the elixir to move forward. Or go back and get more. The other day, I had the most pleasant of surprises when I got a call from a number I couldn’t recognize, and from a person whose voice I couldn’t initially recognize. The caller turned out to be my first mentor in my world of work, and now a friend, as we walked the journey of my first job, together.

It’s strange how you reconnect with people who were such an important part of your everyday life. It’s strange how the world has these most incredible ways of reminding you just what you’re blessed with. And it was something he said that, quite literally, floored me. There are no reasons to get in touch with something or someone that/who makes you feel good. Or who reminds you of the times that you’d never want to trade for the world. It was such a subtle and strong message. There’s so much beauty in reconnecting; in remembering those who really matter.

2014 has been such a roller coaster ride already. I’m half scared, half excited to see what the year still holds because the first three months have felt like I’ve journeyed to the moon and back. It’s been emotional, stressful and so bitter-sweet. There have been a lot of adjustments, a lot of breakups, a lot of re-learning that has taken place. It’s been insane. It’s been all about tackling one wave after the other. It’s also been an enlightening time; more so about my own self than about those I may have lost or gained through this period.

It matters to let go. It matters to not fight every single change that comes your way. It matters to just believe in yourself. There’s a power in independence, a new-found meaning that’s helped put things in perspective. You’re only ever really free of everything you want to be free of when it doesn’t matter any more; when you know you can clean that slate any which way you desire or make room for more writing. It helps to have these bitter-sweet experiences because how else will you ever know what it feels like to soar? That’s how I choose to see it because I like that blinding sunlight in my face; whether I choose to keep my eyes open or close. I like knowing that I can rise and face it all. Sunchaser, that’s who I am. :)

It’s a powerful feeling. Here’s staying with this feeling and powering through. Have a lovely Tuesday.

Sundays

9 Mar

IMG_9093 IMG_9098 IMG_9092 IMG_9091

The pigs were given a bath yesterday after a long time. Now that there are signs of summer aplenty, fortunately (or unfortunately for them), it’s a better time to bathe them and have them figure what ever happened to their dry and filthy fur. I’m more than happy. I like my pigs bathed, groomed and clean. Poppy (Poppins, the first one with a big black patch on his face) is such a pleasure to bathe. He’s the baby of the family and he sits put on the balcony while I lather him. He even lifts his chin so I can bathe/rub his neck, which he really enjoys so much. Fuzzy (the last in the series of pictures), makes bathing her a little more challenging. This is perhaps the only time that she shows me that she, indeed, can run. Because she’s the laziest pig you can ever find. Thankfully she isn’t reading this blog post. But she knows what I think of her, so she and I just have to deal with the reality of it all.

I haven’t seen them clean in such a long time. And now I find it hard to let go of them because a) they’re so clean and white and soft and neat, and b) they’ll go roll around in their cages and become brown all over again. Gosh, it’s such a pain being a parent. I’ve figured that this is as close to having kids as I will ever get. :)

So everyone’s happy this morning. They’ve been combed, their noses and ears have been sponge-bathed and are more presentable, and they’ve been groomed. Fuzzy believes she can run for being prom queen again. But I was telling her that maybe she should give someone else a chance. Vanity, I tell you.

Sunday breakfast of Bombay toast, adrak chai and cake has been had. The sky looks beautiful laden with wispy clouds going their own way, and taking their time to do so. The plants in the balconies are happy because they’ve got their dance partners – the breeze – back. And in the midst of all this, it’s been a good day of reminiscing. It all started last night, actually. It started last night when a friend and I were talking about love and how foolish we are in love, in her words.

Of course I thought I’d wake up late today or at least get up after having spent a good amount of my Sunday morning, reading in bed. Isn’t that the best feeling ever? But today started off early and post all the extra productivity that did its rounds, we continued our conversation. I hope it carries on. We reminisce ever so often. Because we really did have such a lovely time.

In her words, “a few years back when we were in love, we were sooo in love.” And it was true. We were so in love. We were in love with our new-found freedom. We were in love with life. We were so in love with the boys that we were so in love with. We loved without consequence. Or without thought. Or without preconceived notions. Or without fear. We loved with such abandon. We loved keeping happiness in mind. We loved in the moment. We loved without hesitation. We loved with so much joy. We loved without the prospect of heartbreak.

None of us is with the boys that we loved without a care, today. None of us hurries to meet them for hurried breakfasts before rushing to work. None of us runs to the train station in time to see them off. None of us spends evenings with them. None of us stays out late and has the other cover for us. None of us has immense phone bills testimony to innumerable conversations about the infiniteness that was our relationship back then. All of that’s gone. And we made it out okay. Or have we?

Because we’re not the same anymore. We’re more cautious, guarded, afraid. We’re more sure of ourselves, but really, are we? We’re more “grown up”. We’re more “independent”. We’re all that we wanted to be but I don’t know where that abandon went, where the ability to just let go and trust yourself went. I don’t know where the fear crept up from. I don’t know how the years that have passed have made us more fragile. Life is so strange.

But on this particular day, I choose to think of all that we were and of all that we did, without a doubt, without a thought. There’s something about that kind of youth that fades. Unfortunately. But we’ll always be fools in love. That we’re all very sure about. And that’s the thought I’m going to hold on to. :)

Have a lovely Sunday, you guys.

Lent and Lessons

4 Mar

IMG_8952 IMG_8953 IMG_8954 IMG_8955The mood I was in before I started writing this post and now, is drastically different. I’ve Deadmau5 to blame. He turned my sober, weekday evening mood to something, well, more alive in a Deadmau5 kinda way, shall we say? I’m not a huge fan of his. Repetitive electronic beats which take a while to build up don’t exactly match my taste in the electronic music genre. I happened to come across his track in the recesses of my system (and that should safely show you just how much of a fan I am). I’m a trance lover, though. A finicky and choosy one, I must clarify, but a lover nonetheless. I’m listening to this one of Deadmau5’s, IF you’re keen. I think it’s just the one exclusive track of his that I enjoy once in a blue moon, which has stuck on. There’s something about the beats and pace of this one. It’s best enjoyed in a pitch black balcony, somewhere in Goa. Look, I blame Deadmau5 AGAIN for distracting me. Moving on to the rest of the post.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I have no idea what it signifies. All I do know is that Lent starts thereon and ends at Easter. Last year, like a lot of my practicing Christian friends and colleagues, I decided to observe Lent as well. No, I’m not Christian and neither am I religious. But there was something about the concept of Lent that made me want to follow it. I don’t know anything about Lent or Christianity per se, but I believe the basic concept behind Lent is to abstain from anything you wish to, anything that is particularly hard for you to abstain from, over and above those who wish to give up meat and alcohol additionally during this period.

My willpower is weaker than that of a fly’s. Also, my life makes most sense when there’s an instilled disciplinary structure and foundation to have the form of discipline make sense to me. Therefore, last year, I figured I’d use the principles of Lent to test my willpower. I decided to give up alcohol and meat. And because I am who I am, it dawned upon me that I was on Lent after I’d devoured half my meal of grilled fish in butter garlic sauce accompanied by my mojito. Fancy. Of course, I felt terrible at being so unaware of the rules I’d enforced on myself to test something that, I believe, must be rock solid in any human being. I, also being me, promptly decided that fish didn’t cut it under the non-vegetarian section, that it was healthy, that I was after all observing Lent to avoid eating meat for health and medical reasons and that since fish was and is possibly the healthiest meats the universe has to offer (which I love to death), that it was all okay. FINE, the fish was just too ahmayyyzing and well yeah, it would be a sin to leave it half finished. The things I do to placate the guilt of cheating with food, gosh damn you rationalization, may you burn in a secure ego’s beautiful garden, you weed, you!

Anyway, Lent progressed, I avoided meat as much as I could because I had slowly (thanks to my workplace), begun consuming meat on almost all days from just over the weekend. It was an interesting experience because for someone like me whose willpower is the way it is when it comes to food, I began understanding what it meant to say no when you really wanted to actually scream YES. It wasn’t easy. But it was insightful and it certainly made me feel better about myself. I wonder how I would function if there was absolutely no structure in this world. But that’s such a scary thought. The chaos is unfathomable. And I don’t want to imagine it.

So, Lent commences from tomorrow, if I’m not mistaken. At least I’ve prepared myself to start giving up, erm… meat and alcohol (again?) from tomorrow. I haven’t completely decided what I’m bidding a solemn bye to yet. But I’m excited. And I pray I don’t “forget” what I’m abstaining from. It’s strange how you CRAVE something just when you’ve said buhbye to it. I hope to not see tandoori chicken and Long Island Iced Teas float around. Let’s see how it goes. I’m positive. I feel good.

It’s been an interesting start to the week otherwise. Things are settling down and I’m gaining my foothold slowly. My biggest takeaway from this week (and life) is (and will always be) remembering the importance of family. Not that I didn’t know of it or remember it. It’s just that the world will always continue doing its thing. You’ve either got to go with it or fight it. And in the midst of all the madness, I’m gaining some courage to stand up and fight it. I know I said just the opposite a few posts back, but when it comes to your life, there’s nobody else who’s ever going to fight your battles for you, is there? If you think you matter, you’re going to have to stand up and fight. And so I’ve been reminded constantly. It’s important to hear that you’re important. That you’re here because you’re worth it. That there will always be haters because that’s their preoccupation. It’s important to have sounding boards and constant reminders and they can only be your family. And friends you can trust your world with.

I end this post feeling nothing but gratitude for being here, talking to you and knowing that I’m blessed with nothing but the best. And that there’s just too much beauty around to be distracted by the ugly. Thank you, for everything, from the bottom of my heart.

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PS, isn’t that the cutest fridge hanging ever? Plus it has so much truth in it. :)