Tag Archives: Identity

Lost and Found

11 May

I swear I had the title, and consequently the post, all done and sorted in my mind just a minute ago. I’m trying not to be over enthusiastic about writing over here because one post a day, while awesome, is already too hard for me to maintain or stick by, so why bother with two or three or even four huh? Clearly my mind agrees because the moment I ran back to my laptop and got to this page, it was like I never even had this epiphany at all in the first place. Ugh!

Anyway, while I was sipping on my filter coffee which I treated myself to forced down my throat for memory’s sake – because just the thought of coffee and a hot one at that, in this weather especially, is dehydrating enough – I realised I wanted to write again… But before that, I was distracted by Susie and her ways. It turns out she’s possessive…of what exactly, I’m still to learn about. She growled and became a fang exhibitionist to Potato; who by the way, my husband thinks is a John; as he was approaching my gate (Susie was beside my gate already and I had no food treats in my possession to warrant such a response from her). I’d be overshooting it if I thought she were already possessive of me even though she does seem to like me and insists I play with her (she squealed and pawed me a couple of times for that ear/belly rub today)… Yay for sisterhood, if it is that, and lmao at how female responses are so similar across species, eh? Either way, I backed off and decided to enjoy my desi joe before said post epiphany started weaving its tempting web on my mind… Susie is capable of handling John, and John, Susie.

It was also during the time of my filter coffee drinking that I realised what I want and don’t want to do. I guess it’s that post where I seek the assistance of bullet points, a-gain! A lot of it’s pretty obvious anyway, but spelling it out seems to be my need of the hour apparently.

  • I want to be able to earn my own money again, and soon.
  • I don’t want to have to wait so long to be able to do it, damnit!

 

  • I want to do something that makes my life more worthwhile and my abilities more validated.
  • I don’t want to have to settle for bran when what I want is that golden wheat, damnnit!

 

  • I want to be able to make a good, healthy, fresh batch of curd (my first attempt resulted in some gooey by-product which tastes and smells like curd but which I know is a sneaky mutation of the product I desire).
  • I don’t want a sneaky mutation to think it can take the place of curd, damnit!

 

  • I want to be able to have clear, attainable and rewarding life goals.
  • I don’t want to continue thinking that life goals can be made on a whim and can be achieved in no time, damnit!

 

  • I want to understand, like really understand, that everything which comes my way needn’t be the it or the stepping stone to the it I’m looking for…they could be stepping stones, just not for me.
  • I don’t want to stop believing that what I really want and need, which will reward me with a sense of not just achievement but purpose as well, is out there.

 

  • I want to be able to write a complete sentence without swearing/cussing.
  • I don’t want to have every sentence stamped with the word ‘damnit’ in it, damnit!

Sigh.

My list a healthy balance of ‘yes, life goals’ and ‘whaaaaa, what are you talking about?’, no?

I came here with a conviction about what I wanted and didn’t want. As confused and aimless as I am and come across to be, there are times and instances when I’ve never been more sure of myself and my choices. Heck, I got married. It doesn’t really get bigger than that for me, at this juncture. It takes great self-faith and courage to stand up for yourself, even when every single speck inside you and the world outside asks you questions that even you have no sure shot answers to. Fighting societal expectations and norms is beyond hard, especially when emotions get attached to them. Saying no to jobs or places or people is never easy especially when you’re limited by the options you have. But practising not to settle for anything that you really truly believe is not for you, is a tough habit to acknowledge and inculcate.

Sometimes you need to hang by a prayer, a wish, or a good thought at best, before you decide to let go and hopefully fall on the stepping stone you were waiting for.

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On Identities

17 Oct

Hi You,

I guess when they say there’s a time for everything, they really really meant it. I suppose it’s the most tried and tested philosophy, or phenomenon rather, to fall back on… one that I’ve realized is the best to start believing in. The sooner, the better, at that.

And in this whole cycle of twists and turns that we attribute to life or fate or whatever your beliefs may be, there comes a time when all you can do is to find mirrors. Mirrors that have perhaps always been there but mirrors we possibly overlooked or ignored. Mirrors that give us no choice but to look right into them. Mirrors that make you see the things you need to see, accept and move on with.

What do you do when you’re made to look, by force or by circumstance? What do you do when you’re bang in front of the person you thought you knew and were so sure of only to realize the existence of facets that weren’t visible before?

Have you ever looked looked at yourself in a mirror? Have you ever looked into your eyes and beyond? Someone once asked me a long time ago if I did do that apart from just that passing glance we give the person in the mirror. Of course, at first it seemed like the most absurd question because who doesn’t, or who hasn’t ever looked at themselves in a mirror? But I never really looked.

I ask because when the time came (and still continues to come), irrespective of where life’s path may have led us to, questions I thought I never needed to think about or answer, came by me. In waves. In storms. In ripples. But they came nonetheless. And I needed answers. I still do. Like I said in my previous post, the answers could be infinite, fortunately or unfortunately. But there comes a time when you stop and have to look into those mirrors because when I ask myself who I am, I almost never seem to have the answer.

I look back at my pages to see, sometimes in desperation, and grasp all that I think I’m made up of; all that I think i could be made up of. But there’s never one answer, if at all. And there definitely isn’t one direction. It’s challenging to come face to face with the fact that maybe I don’t know who I am and what my identity is all about. It happens. But it’s normal, I reckon. The theorists call this growing up, as well. And I thought I was done with the hard part.

But there really isn’t just one hard part, is there?

Taking things a day at a time makes sense. Feeling happy for today and living in it, knowing I can feel happy for myself, suffices. Knowing that happiness isn’t permanent, like everything else, also suffices. Because how can you ever read through the best book of life if you skip pages, mostly still unwritten and waiting to be written?

Identity is a big word. A bigger constellation. A bigger universe, still.

And the fact that no one’s got the universe figured out makes it all okay in the end.

I guess as long as there are endless roads, bottomless oceans and horizon-less skies, there will be boundless, unexplored and enigmatic parts of our soul that will remain pristine; untouched and a bit more magical than we may ever know. Or so I’d like to believe.

Sometimes mystery is what we need and sometimes hope isn’t always a bad thing.

And maybe that’s where the answer lies; that’s what the eyes of the person in the mirror need to be told – that it really is okay. That at the end of the day, you’ve walked the steps you wanted to walk and that they’ve been added to the constellation we’ve been trying so hard to put together. As long as the stars shine, it should all be okay. :)

 

Twisted

7 Apr

I don’t know why I am as distracted as I am. Being a Monday and being normal, it’s only safe to assume that I do, in fact, have work lined up, all of which does have an expected completion timeline that really isn’t far away. But I’m finding it a tad hard to focus this rather normal Monday morning, or noon, as it were.

No, I’ve not had an overly mind-blowing weekend that’s left me hanging in the doldrums today. It was a rather decent week followed by a decent weekend that was just apt. And no, I have no tangible distractions that are contributing to this state of mind. There are no occupationally hazardously good looking/smelling men around, there is no good food, nothing. I’m seeking the help of my trance playlists to help pull me up and out and get that momentum going because none of us likes panic, do we? I’m sure we’d like to seal this day (and every other day) the way we would like to.

What has been on my mind off-late is, or could be, rather innocuous. It’s just the “normalcy” (I’m sorry if I say it ever so lightly) of being a girl that’s been playing on my mind this entire weekend. I haven’t suddenly woken up to realize my reality. It’s something that has been dawning upon me for a while now. Of course, I’m no feminist. Neither do I engage with or acknowledge chauvinists. I find the need to reiterate this every time because sometimes my views come across more strongly than they should. Given that I am as opinionated as I am, it doesn’t help to have the world be misunderstood by what I am or think. Because that’s my playground to play in.

It has dawned upon me that I really cannot just be what I want to be or do. I mean, I can. But I can’t. I have been brought up in and continue to live in an environment that gives me the freedom to be just who I want to be; that gives me the space to discover my individual self. And I feel blessed because, while this subject is so far removed from education or even class, I see so many who really never have a choice. Never. And so, I say, quite humbly, that I do feel blessed to have the choice to find my own path.

But do you also feel like every path you walk on also has invisible threads that pull you in all directions? That you really aren’t as free as you thought you were; that there are always some darned strings attached somewhere? I’ve been feeling this conflict off-late. While I have blogged about this earlier and wrote about it manifesting in rebellious, teenage-like behaviour, I do seem to see more and more of this feature becoming visible in not just the small things in my life but also the rather deeper things in life I thought I had somewhat figured out. Of course, there isn’t a standard set of rules I follow or a book I refer to. But it does get quite disconcerting when what you think and what you see and what you hear about don’t quite match.

For example, we’re told that it’s your right to go ahead and do exactly what you want to, that you have just one life and that you’ve to go grab every opportunity that comes your way, yada yada. But then when you set out to do exactly those things, there are those tiny but rather strong factors that do make you think twice and question yourself, if not hold you back completely. There’s so much of a discrepancy between what you should be, what you want to be and what your reality allows you to be. It’s frustrating. I’m not here to crib because that certainly has got us places. It’s just annoying to have your space but not really.

Living a conflicted amalgamation of what is okay and what isn’t okay by your standards and the standards of those who matter to you is tiring. Some people do it effortlessly because you compromise along the way. We’re not here to please everybody, but it’s important to know whom to drop along the way. When we openly and brazenly talk about not giving an eff, do we really, really not give an eff? Really?

How easy is that path to walk down? And if it isn’t easy, or hasn’t been, then why? That’s my question. That’s my conflict. Where do you draw the line and how soon?

You may wonder what this has to do with being a girl/woman. I say it because a) I am one and not the other, and b) because I’m at that stage of my life right now where I find it harder when compared to the opposite sex, only by comparison and not experience of course. What is okay for me isn’t okay for the other. And what is okay for the other is absolutely ridiculous to me. And I realize that there has to be compromise to reach that common ground which only seems either non-existent or so far out of reach.

I realize that if I truly do not want to give an eff, I need to stop and see what I’m truly deciding not to give an eff about. Because if I were to be ignorant and walk my own path, my own way, I doubt I’d ever get what I’ve truly envisioned for myself. They’re right when they say you’ve got to give to get. First give, at that. And if I’m to use my deductive faculties correctly, that means I need to give an eff first to not give an eff.

Oh, twisted, twisted life and its paths. You really never know what lies around the bend, do you? And is it that easy for a girl to break-off and really not give an eff? I’m in that super distracting moment, now. There’s no wonder.

 

PS, apologies (or not) on the random twistedness of it all. Thank you for listening, if you’ve been patient enough. :)