Tag Archives: Feelings

132: Friday Is A Feeling

12 May


38: Hostessing

7 Feb

After our visit to my in-laws in Agra, I had my immediate in-laws over to stay with us. They left just yesterday and what a week it has been. I won’t deny not having the time to check my phone or to sit down to write, but it’s hard to put my thoughts together or even write when I have people around, especially family. I consider it rude to sit in front of the laptop or phone; partly because I’m still unable to strike that balance between me time and together time, but mostly because I didn’t want to find that balance.

The first thing that comes to my mind is how panicked I feel when I have guests over. Of course the game plan changes when you have your in-laws visiting, no? It’s this conflict between wanting to be a decent host versus giving them a good time versus deciding how much is too much or too less. The hostess in me needs to have things in order and go by a certain plan; but that may definitely not be in sync with the guests I have. In trying to find this balance between making them feel comfortable versus ensuring things go smoothly, a lot of my nerves get frayed. It’s safe to say that I am not a seasoned hostess whose house and peripheral tasks run as smoothly as keeping one’s guests happy, comfortable, and satisfied. Do you experience the same anxiety too?

The first few days were ripe with trying to get it right without losing my shit. I’d already lost my shit even before we entered the house and I have no idea what my in-laws took away from that experience. *shudder* In retrospect, I think my behaviour was completely unnecessary and a defense mechanism, if you ask me. I imagined my world falling apart even before I entered it – how’s that for a good laugh? But the rough edges did smooth out as the days progressed – I got used to them and they got used to me – and somewhere down the line, we came halfway to help each other out.

More than wanting to be the best hostess (if there even is such a thing), it’s this fear of not living up to the standards I have created for myself. Things need to be in order, and under control, for me to function optimally. However, what I did learn over the past week was this obvious phrase – the tighter you hold sand, the faster it will slip away. And then it wasn’t so bad after all. :)


25 Oct

I was just sending emails out today, at random, only to realize that after a long, long time, I feel settled and I feel happy. The kind where no storms are brewing, no tides are raging, and no chaos is unfurling. The kind where the true feeling of happiness lies in acceptance, surrender, learning, insight, understanding, and of course, in just being in the moment – of free falling into the unknown but being confident about getting back up from wherever I may land. It’s a humbling feeling and it cost me a lot, though ironically, it is all free.

And I’m going to stay in just this feeling for as long as I can. There is no particular event or reason to have brought about this, unless the arrival of homeostasis counts. And that’s just about it.

The Dark Side

18 Aug

There are days when your spirit, your willpower, your positivism and everything else that makes you feel invincible against the darker forces of an idle and cynical mind surround you in this safe, positive, indestructible haven. It’s that time when you feel absolutely untouchable in a powerful, god-like way. You feel like you can actually step right out of your zone and conquer the world, stretch those long folded wings and fly wherever the hell you really wish to fly to. It all seems possible. Even for us cynics, yes. Isn’t that just the.best.feeling.ever? I envy positive people because I presume they see the world like this all.the.time. Nothing is insurmountable, no one is too extraordinary and impossible to emulate should you be one to go by others’ standards, and life looks totally livable; roses and all. I’m sure optimists have roses and rainbows and achievable goals.

So being a self-proclaimed cynic makes feeling positive an alien concept a lot of the times. It’s not about being self-loathing or low on self-esteem as it were. They’re not really connected, I think. However, I see more instances of forecasting the absolute worst just so you feel you’re a step ahead and in control instead of just being able to let go and genuinely feel happy for your own self. It’s not that cynics don’t feel happy. It’s just that I guess we do not know how to feel happy should our worst fears come true and that happiness be taken away from us before we open those doors and let the magic in.


As usual, I come across these when the moment seems just perfect. Call it selective perception if you may. However, this happened to come my way because I’m trying to walk on to the darker side – the happier side. There is no doubt about the amount of happiness there is all around and the sheer number of stimuli just waiting to trigger bouts of happiness at the slightest approach. It seems all too much of a waste to watch it all wither away once the moment is lost very well knowing you chose to sit in your scared corner not having experienced happiness at all.

It’s like that saying of holding on to grains of sand so hard that they eventually escape your grasp. That’s the same concept I’m talking about here; it’s astounding how we’ve become so afraid to let go and just live, fall, get hurt and heal. Apply the same to relationships and just why we’re so wary of opening those gates to what lies inside. I wonder what part of this generational spoke has us by our collar so bad that we’re losing, if we haven’t already lost the ability to live free and with the same amount of abandon as the posts we splash all over social media about life and its experiences. And I digress, but it looks like we now live our life vicariously through these rather magnanimous, if I may, posts we produce with great diligence. Magnanimous because suddenly real experiences of life now equate a rather exotic solo travel or a hot air balloon ride or even a trip abroad, at that. Whatever happened to regular, small, meaningful moments which also do contribute to life just as much, if not more? Of course I use the term exotic not to denote extravagance in any way.

That is another post to ponder over for later. While on the topic of happiness, actually being able to experience the feeling for what it is without the worry of it vanishing is something I’ve to deal with too. Being cynical about everything comes at such huge costs, not to forget the price you end up paying for being just so stupid, really. It’s needless to say that this goes hand-in-hand with the absolute inability to not overthink every single thing. Overthinking + aroused fears = a perfect combination for a cynic. Of course we’re so caught up in feeling cynical that whatever happy moments do come our way are lost or misread into being something we do not deserve.

And isn’t that the most dangerous thing; to believe you don’t deserve happiness? Things to think, and not overthink about, because our happy moments are always right in front of us. Always. Hopefully we’ll be able to tell ourselves that we’re just as deserving; that exhibiting and celebrating happiness has nothing to do with selfishness.


I’ll let this speak for itself.

Let’s hop over to the dark side, cynics!


17 Jul

There are times when you have no idea what to write about.

FullSizeRender (1)

I suspect it’s because of this image and the fact that it’s is truer than absolute honesty in itself. You can nod your head a 100 times in agreement and still feel like you could agree some more to just how apt it is, isn’t it?

Most often it feels like you’re stuck standing in one place while the world moves around you at its dizzying, life-moves-on pace where everything else feels like a blur. Sometimes you picture yourself clearly and in focus, and sometimes nothing seems visible no matter how hard you try. All you know is that the world moves on, life goes on as it always has been and while you stand and take a breath/break, you essentially need to continue walking too. Sometimes my mind feels exactly the same way about writing too. You see moments, thoughts and experiences whiz by you; all bursting with so much potential while you just stood there, letting them all loose and free. It’s okay I reckon. Not everything needs to be captured into definitive or ornate identities in the form of words just so you have something to write about. It’s one of those challenges of blogging because you frequently find yourself making mental notes about things to write about, but let them go instead. Oh well. I’m at peace with the fact that they’re writing my book, somewhere.

Flippant as my state of mind feels like, I’m trying to use this long weekend to just be. When your thoughts, checklists and emotions hold you by your collar, it makes best sense to show them all the finger and turn towards something more zen-like. To let go and know that things are bound to get fucked up because they are not entirely in your control and therefore will not go the way you envisioned them to, is something my friend told me just a couple of days ago. Make your peace with the fact that things will not go entirely as you planned and that you will, in very high probability, find being around most people (family included), intolerable; are words of wisdom that have been imparted to me. Here’s why I was told all of this.


I’m getting married. Not now. Not tomorrow. But in a few months, yes. :) So all good and great and amazing things aside, it is stressful. Especially when you’re anal about things going a certain way and know well that they won’t because whose wedding was ever just theirs alone? A wedding is hardly ever the couple’s. It’s difficult, it’s tough and while it is that one time you wish the universe gave you more patience than you were bestowed with, it’s the time you want to shut your ears and eyes and thoughts to more people than you imagined.

In the midst of all this; office and wedding work aside, the escapist in me is trying to find nooks and crannies she can escape into and not be found. It all comes down to the act of letting go and not giving a fuck. You wear your blinkers and keep walking, or running. And make peace with the fact that things will not go as you want them to; that people you don’t want around will definitely be there, smiling in your face; that making lists can only take you so far because guess what? it’s not in your hands; that you just need to shut up and sit pretty and “enjoy” it all. Well, like I said earlier, sometimes it’s very hard to keep a straight face, a calm mind and not give the world your finger and a bad word or two. This is needless to say that of course you cannot do this alone and that one comes this far not in isolation or without help. It is important to acknowledge your foundation, your backbones, your rocks, your support systems and be grateful. And while I am, unconditionally so (because I have weird enmeshment issues with my family), I find myself struggling to find a balance between doing as I wish and following the “norm” without feeling at sea and fighting so hard to come back up for breaths of air. It is stifling.

So here’s a list of things I’ve got that will hopefully act as constant reminders to becoming a more calm and collected self. Not just for now, but for many more moons to come.

  • You don’t need to like everybody or please everybody, even if they are family. When it comes to family, and if you are particularly close-knit, it’s important to understand that you have moments when you cannot possibly stand the sight of someone. Heck, there are people who cannot tolerate the sight or talk of me as we speak. Who gives a fuck? If you do, then okay. But be prepared to be disappointed.
  • Talking about disappointment, it only goes as far as you allow it to. If someone you value and treasure, disappoints you, you have the choice to either pity them on their immaturity or review your expectations of them and move forward. If they are immature, it’s makes best sense to work on your expectations so you can move on without feeling like a loser every time they decide to be immature. And understand that they’re either messed up or are going through tough times or that they aren’t good enough to be on your top list. But before you point that finger, ask yourself if you did something to make them behave funnily.
  • It’s okay to rework relationships. The image of familial and friend relationships are idealistic most often. It’s best to get working on them and make them more real so you don’t fall flat on your face. Not all family will act like family. Not all friends will act like friends. You’ll be surprised by just how terrible and amazing some family members and friends can make you feel.
  • Consequently, relationships change. However obvious it is, it’s something some of us often forget/are in denial about.
  • Set boundaries for yourself and leave those doors and windows open. It’s easier to see who should get in and who you can kick out. Your inner space isn’t for free or to be exploited.


  • Give your mind the confidence of your heart and your heart the power of your mind.
  • If you must set expectations, set them for yourself alone and realistic ones, at that.
  • Give love a chance and willpower the front seat.
  • Deal with today, today. Keep tomorrow for tomorrow. If you cannot, it’s okay to breach boundaries sometimes, I presume.
  • Believe that you can because if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t.
  • You’re strong not because some stupid existential FB quote told you so but because you just are. Period.
  • Talking about FB quotes, fuck them. Jesus Christ do they make you feel up, down, lonely, alone, joyous, down-trodden, pathetic, incapable and confused most definitely. Fuck you, you random FB quotes. If you want quotes, find them in your experiences and not in the words of some random person who has the money to leave it all to travel forever and still manage to live life king-sized. So really, Babska, you don’t need that crap.
  • Also, if you do need doses of crap from time to time, tell yourself that you don’t.
  • That reminds me; always be random, brew magic wherever you can and sprinkle it whenever you can. Because God, does this world need it. And a little or a lot of magic would never harm.


And if you ever think it’s getting too much, remember that it’s okay to let the reins go. The world, like we know, keeps going on. The wave’s got you and you will float along till you start swimming again. Because, to very simply put it, you’re never alone.

Happy Sponge

2 Feb

It’s so easy to allow anything negative to take over; it’s like we human beings are born to focus on the negative, feel crappy about everything under the sun and then continue feeling sodden because somehow the negative becomes more magnetizing that the positive. Ask the majority and it won’t take us long to rattle away all the crap that life’s doling out to us by the bucketful, every day, every moment. It’s like we’re tuned to focus on the bad, to what, prepare ourselves against our worst nightmares? To build up our walls and secure our guards before we get struck? And then feel crappy anyway because lo and behold, you were so busy trying to be safe from the aforementioned plausible negative that didn’t even say it would come our way in the first place. How’s that for being a negative, lonely loser?

I’ve been caught in that cycle and I have absolutely no idea how that entanglement happened. It’s a battle to stay out of this vortex of blackness that is one’s negative thoughts. It’s a struggle. And it is so tiring. Before you’re out of one cycle, you’re caught in another. Is it really that hard to just let go and be happy? Because it sure feels that much more easy to actually feel happy once you’ve snapped off the crap. It’s the snapping off that spins the negative cycle of what ifs and now whats, in. We crazy thinkers. As if there wasn’t enough to think about already.

Either way, I came across a video of this girl, Rene Verma, at the Delhi Poetry Slam; which has been trending quite so. It’s a video of her rapping an Open Letter to Honey Singh. Here’s the last line she said which I’m using here, because I need that dose of as much happiness as I can sponge off from this universe.

You’re not just the masterpiece, you’re the painter too.

All it needed was this one line said by a girl somewhere in Delhi who was making a point across to Honey Singh.

That’s all I needed for that dose of sunshine to come through. Because really, it is all around. We just lurk too much in the shadows otherwise.

4.5 Or Even 2.

1 May

I think I had an epiphany which is why I left what I was doing and have come here to write. That’s the thing with mid-week holidays… it’s a holiday but whilst it’s so close to the weekend, it doesn’t feel like we’re there yet because there’s so much work to get done. So while I was in the middle of finishing off some stuff, I came here because that light bulb came on.

Call it the wave of inspiration or something cooler, if you want to, but I think I’m surfing that wave because I continue to feel inspired at the most random times. It’s an amazing feeling really. It’s such an instant pick-me-up from the actual shambles my life could possibly be that it makes me not care. And while riding this wave, it hit me that I feel so good about my self and my capabilities and life, in general, because I’m surrounded by people who make me feel this way. There is absolutely no ambiguity in the way I feel and the causes to my feeling so, so good.

And when I tried digging deeper into what this existential adrenaline shot was, I almost instantly figured it was the people I chose to watch, listen to, be around who made me feel what I still do. Is that an eye-opener or is that an eye-opener? Have I been surrounding myself with the wrong kind of people all this while?

I do not mean to say that these inspirational people have spot on lives that click magically like clockwork. We’re, in fact, all in the same boat. But there is a difference. Also, this does not automatically imply that the people I’ve been surrounded by aren’t worth it. It’s just that I guess we need to have different people in our life at the times we do. It really needs to happen. There’s a reason we ought to move out of the nest and do our own thing. There’s a reason why these phases of our lives have been written down in the pages of time and apply to each and every generation that walks the walk of life. There’s a reason why theories of human development have become classical theories of development; because they really do apply to us all at so many levels. I do believe, like how these theorists believe, that every phase needs its resolution before a new one comes by. The fact that I’m still living so many phases unresolved aside, I think there’s a time for everything. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it.

Talking about feeling inspired, I don’t know if there’s a particular feeling one’s supposed to feel or a certain set of things one is supposed to do. All I do know right now is that maybe this sense of moving forward (or wherever) stems from taking a step away from where I’m standing at present. Because given everything that’s going on and how I ought to do xyz at this phase of my life, I’m slowly but quite surely beginning to not care. I wouldn’t term it as rebellion because I’m not doing this in order to get something from somebody else. I’m beginning to not care because I need to not care anymore and I need to not care to move in whichever direction I please.

While not caring can sound childish or even immature, I think given the baggage we automatically carry and are bestowed to carry, it just means having to let go and not be enmeshed anymore. Because we’re all more tied down to so, so many things and people and shoulds and musts, that we’re living the needs of others. Think about it. Maybe we’re obligated by good reason. But really, are we? What’s a good reason to be enmeshed with somebody else, so much so that you’re stuck at every step you take because of the way somebody else feels about that step you choose to take?

Somewhere along the way, I’ve begun to stop caring as much and not feel guilty for not caring. I feel less apologetic, guilty and tied down because I needn’t have to. I needn’t have to comply. I needn’t have to go the way somebody wants me to. I just needn’t. And the thought of it is liberating enough. It’s overwhelming to think how bound we really, really are, and subconsciously so. It’s tough to break free of that and I wonder if we ever will be completely free except that’s a wonder too large to accommodate and deal with.

Therefore, the inspiration I guess. Because really, those people who stand out there doing their own thing and living their dream for themselves are quite often the ones who are standing alone unless you’re bloody blessed. It’s a tough call. But it’s inspiring to know that that even if we don’t (get to) go the whole nine yards, that we have the option to go 4.5. Or even 2. And that’s the thought I’m holding on to. Have a lovely week, folks!


9 Apr

All I ever need is a moment.
Because it’s in that fleeting moment that I know
that I love you, even if just at the slightest.
It’s that one moment when you look at me
and know that maybe, after all, you do miss me
and love me a little more than you’ve allowed your denial to see.

It’s that one moment when our hands touch
that I know I could hold them forever.
Or when you look at me the way you do,
that you know you want this on loop.
Because all it ever takes for a lifetime’s surety
is that ever fleeting moment;
faster than any thought or consequence or
even declaration.

It’s that one moment when you show me all you’ve got
minus exhibition or spoken word;
without knowing just how much you’ve given me.
Because all it takes in that one beautiful moment
is to know that you belong with me
and that I’ll be yours
even if we realize our truth a million moments later.

I’m not waiting. But I know.
We both know
because every moment reminds me
that this is meant to be.
And when you arrive,
you’ll find me.

And when you arrive,
that fleeting moment will be born to stay.

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27 Mar

This has been on my mind for most of today. Today was one of those days where all I wanted to do was nothing. I wanted nothing in exchange for thoughts, conversations, quietude and the need to just be. It was one of those days. And I don’t see that as a bad thing. Sometimes you really want nothing in exchange for all that you’ve got, all the baggage you’re carrying, all the thoughts you’re playing on loop in your head. Nothing; that sounds good. Emptiness seems appealing. The need to figure what you’re made up of, what walls comprise you and what binds you becomes more than just a need. Because we carry trash. So much of it. All the time. I don’t know why. I don’t know how.

How is timing connected to all this? It’s because I believe there’s a time for everything. Yes, everybody loves saying that, especially when you’re being placated, but yes, timing is it. There’s a time for every single one of us to shine, to fall apart, to rise, to progress, to take five steps behind…there’s a time for everything. There’s a time when we also realize what we need and what we do not need. There’s a time when we realize we’re more important than we think we are. Because there’s a time when we realize this:

Why does it feel so good to get rid of things? To unload, to let go. Maybe because when we see how little we actually need to survive, it makes us realize how powerful we actually are to strip down to only what we need, to hang on to only what we can’t do without, not just to survive, but to thrive.
Dr. Meredith Grey
Grey’s Anatomy (Throwing it all Away, S10)

There’s also a magic in timing because things come to you when you need them, if not need them the most. And so this came to me today. Because I needed to hear a fictitious television show tell me the truth. I love this show because it has some of the most powerful monologues/dialogues/moments that are real because they feel real and stem from reality. Because if I’m here, writing this, talking about how this makes sense to me at this very moment, then it matters. In fact, it more than just matters.

Letting go, sometimes by force and sometimes by chance, is just one of those things that has to be learned simply because we suck at it. Or let me rephrase that to talk for myself; because I suck at letting go as easily as I would like to. But I’ve tried (and still am) and it’s the best thing ever. It’s the best thing to really, really, not care without vengeance or vindication. It’s liberating to walk on without any strings attached no matter how hard memories and associations pull you back, and repeatedly so. It’s important to break. It’s important to break, to disengage, to move. But, unfortunately or fortunately, it doesn’t come easy. It needs effort. It needs doing to undo. It needs so much hard work.


But it helps to survive. Because when you take in that breath of fresh air, you feel so alive, so independent, so light. And really, the feeling could be addictive. You need that nothing to feel that breath of fresh air. How can we ever breathe if we’re choking? Through this all, the only thing that’s constantly being reaffirmed is the importance of you; your self. If something doesn’t fit even after trying, it’s got to go. Because it’s important to survive and thrive for your own self. And there’s no selfishness in that. There never will be. Even shadows disappear when we throw light on us the right way.

Here’s to timing and the magic it has lying around every corner, because really, every skipped piece of rock you thought was a part of you may have perhaps just been the stepping stone you needed to move and find what you’re really meant to find.

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All photographs are courtesy the author.

The Real Deal

18 Mar

In-keeping with the desire to tackle challenges changes bring about, I’m beginning to recognise the importance of staying with a feeling that may come about your way; expected or unexpected, wanted or unwanted, conscious or subconscious. I’m an overthinker. I’d like to believe that I lean towards the intellectual spectrum of things. Like Bill Cosby so rightly says, intellectuals learn and/or think about things normal people do naturally. I felt like he was talking to me, and perhaps, pointing a finger at me and laughing while doing so. It’s so true. We overthink things that really do not need thinking. Of course, I doubt I’d ever be able to stop overthinking, unless of course, life keeps me that busy where I have no time to breathe, which could be both amazing and a tad much to ask for in substitution for (over) thinking. :P

Getting back to my point, both on the overthinking and intellectualizing bit, we’ve lost track or trace of something so much more basal, and carnal, if I may say so – emotions and feelings. They’re almost always clouded by thoughts we use to cloak them as and when we please. There hasn’t been any stopping ever since we learned to do that ever so naturally. If you’re an overthinker like me, or an intellectualizer, you know exactly what I’m talking about. How many times have we stayed with that raw feeling and let it consume us, no matter how negative or positive? How many times have we let it make us feel the way it’s meant to make us feel and leave us, consequently? I’m more of a person who dresses my feelings with my thoughts and then goes and shuts them up in her cupboard (or pressure cooker, as they commonly refer to it in this context). So neither do I reward myself with feeling the feeling I should be feeling or let it go when it’s supposed to be gone. What a twisted way of living. Really. I doubt this bodes well for me. But I’m aware of this stupidity I throw all around and really do hope to take baby steps towards the place I want to go to.

And so I have been doing for sometime now. I’ve stopped fighting my feelings. I’ve tried keeping my ego at bay and just letting my feelings take over. It’s been good. It’s been liberating. It’s been quite the experience. I feel lighter. Sometimes I feel like a complete idiot because when those same emotions get too strong to handle (thanks to all the hoarding), things do get out of control. But I’m not fighting that. I’m not putting up fences. I’m letting them go because I need to. It’s been interesting. I don’t know if I can say the same thing about those who’re in the presence of these rather intense and volatile emotions. But, needless to say, this doesn’t give me or anyone else an excuse to be nasty or irresponsible or even become passive/aggressive/a pushover. We’re looking at emotions and letting them take a free ride, not losing one’s sense of self and identity. Have you done that anytime? Were there any positive results? Or was it just a futile effort?

I don’t intend to do a Pablo Neruda where I write the saddest lines today evening. I don’t think I have any sadness in me at this very moment. I think I’m in love with the concept of something so strange that is as ignited pure emotions in me minus a single thought. It took the thinker in me completely by surprise, but I saw that coming sometime. If you’re all thought and no feeling, it’s a sad place to be in.

So yes, I’m in love. With what, I cannot say. I don’t know if it’s the actuality of it or the idea of it or if it’s just some random hallucination that’s made me feel so strongly in such a long time. Of course, the circumstances are such that it will always remain just this and I’ve grown to be okay with it over time. At first I fought the feelings as soon as I became aware of them catching fire. I tried putting them out so hard and I did succeed to a great extent. But that’s about it. Sometimes you’re just meant to feel all of what’s left to feel before you move on. Sometimes there really is no fighting it. You have to go through it to get past it. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m past it. But I’m here, still talking about it because for the first time in my entire life, I’ve felt emotions so strongly without my thoughts taking precedence. For the first time, post all the fighting, I’m past all thoughts, left with those embers that were born to keep me warm, still alive and burning steady. Why would embers born to keep you warm ever die before their time arrived? And for once, the outcome of letting these feeling loose isn’t even a threat.

And that fact really, actually, left me stumped in every sense of the word. It’s true when they say you don’t know what you hit you when you weren’t looking. Because I’m sure I was more than just guarded. For those of you who know me, know that I’m a walking-talking castle built with the tallest walls. People may call that snobbery, but really, let’s get past that. I don’t think you can be a snob with people you don’t know. It’s just the idea of making unnecessary small talk with strangers that’s unappealing. If that’s the definition of snobbery, then so be it. Sour grapes. Sorry for the digression.

To be stumped by pure, raw emotions and feelings without the invisibility cloak (hehehe) of thoughts is such a beautiful feeling. It’s so liberating, so refreshing, so untouched and not jaded. It’s invigorating. It’s that breath of so, so much fresh air we need. It’s that moment when you realize you’re breathing in the real deal minus any help, any support, any contraption. If you fall, you only get up knowing you breathed the stuff to give your book of life that page it needed. It’s truly something to let go to. It’s taken so much letting go, unlearning, trust and faith to get here. And sometimes, when it’s that good, you feel like it’s something you’ve been doing all your life; something that you were born to do over and over again.

The beauty of it is that we were, indeed, born to do exactly this. And the last thing you ever feel is incapable or handicapped. :)


Picture courtesy: RAD :)