Tag Archives: Emotional Health

28: When I Fell Into The Pit Of Overthinking, Again!

28 Jan

Disclaimer: This is me talking to myself, yet again, after tripping into the trap of overthinking, again! :)

Whenever I’m caught in a situation that demands diplomacy, a certain amount of restraint which is considered and associated as being graceful, and one that requires me to not freely speak my mind; it doesn’t take long for all my faculties to fall apart and for me to fail a 100% in seeing that situation through. To simply put it, I cannot handle social circumstances without massive amounts of awkwardness, loathing, and without failing at them. I tend to wear my feelings on my face, especially when they’re at their extremes. You will not see me laughing when I’m angry, and you will not see me stonefaced when I’m joyous. I lack that skill, and sometimes I’m thankful that I do. Of course my honesty has never made me the popular choice, and neither does it make me socially approachable at all. It’s a win-lose situation depending upon my luck and my ability to be poker-faced.

Today when I was brooding over something that has long overstayed its welcome in my mind, a makeshift eureka moment chanced upon me. It is quite simple, to be honest. But most obvious things are frightfully and brutally simple; it’s a wonder how I end up missing their point. And it was precisely this:

if you are at the receiving end of a certain kind of treatment, whether expected or unexpected, pleasant or unpleasant, warranted or unwarranted; take a moment to step on to the other side, take cognizance of said response/treatment, acknowledge it, and move on. 

See, I told you it was so obviously simple and something you probably already knew all along anyway.

Every single peace-loving part of me cannot fathom conflict, dissent or ill-treatment, especially when the concept of accountability is paramount to me. I obsess over not stepping on others’ toes, wherever I may choose to tread, and so it beats me when I do not get the treatment I imagine deserving. Normal people would take this with a pinch of salt, and proceed walking on without looking back. I? I rue. I overthink. I obsess. I question myself a thousand times; just so maybe an answer can emerge; sometimes like a false confession, to make things feel normal again.

However, this luminescent thought today made me realise that it’s okay to proceed. That not everyone is normal, lol! That it’s absolutely, perfectly fine to not be loved, liked, or even be acknowledged by all and sundry. That the ideals you grew up watching, may not be that idealistic anymore after all. That people will be people, and when did people have a spotless track record anyway? That maybe I’m not going to be everyone’s favourite; not everyone is mine. That, most importantly, my life does not begin and end with/at this.

It’s easier said than done, especially when you’re someone who is your worst critic. But the thing that’s becoming evidently clear is that not everyone’s going to love you, like you, respond to you, understand you, or even just know you; even if they’re family. It’s a hard line to draw, but sometimes boundaries do have their purpose and benefits. Knowing when to make them, is essential. I guess this is how society runs. You put on that smile and show up even if that’s the last place you’d rather be, right? Oh well, sometimes. :)

Note to self: see the rubbish that thinking and overthinking can lead to – such a waste of time, energy, and brain traffic. The best things lie in moving on. Haha!

And with that, let’s all have a lovely weekend filled with zero thinking and a 100% living! Cheers!

10: Someone Else’s Shoes Are Not My Shoes

10 Jan

While I was pottering about the house yesterday, and just generally doing nothing much, I began to feel guilty for not having exercised for the longest time, ever. I mean, you could easily spend this time to get your body moving, my mind chided, but of course that didn’t happen. Instead, my mind took me on this free-wheeling trip on just how lazy I’ve become, among many other negative put-me-downers. My conscience isn’t wrong, at all. There used to be a time when my day’s routine began with an hour of exercising, followed by a hot shower which felt like a million bucks – that feeling of your taut yet worked out muscles and body against hot water is one to really die make the effort for, and one I told my overzealous mind to always take note of – remember this feeling, B, always remember this feeling. Those words and the encapsulation of that moment saw me through the many days when I didn’t want to go workout first thing in the morning. Needless to say, it took more effort for me to get my butt to the gym than to sit it out at times like that…a million to one thought, to be precise; but that feeling always made a difference. I still remember it.

And now? That routine broke the moment I quit my job (I used to frequent the gym at my office) and switched off my 5am alarm, indefinitely (haha, see I still do hope for it to come back one day).

My problems are many; the cake-snatcher being making excuses – the weather’s too cold, there’s too much smog, I can’t workout with my socks on and then it’s too cold once they’re off, eeeks the pollution, there’s too many kids running all over the place…I’m an expert excuse-maker. Until I bought myself a pair of shoes for inspiration, and they began biting me. Whodathunk walking shoes could ever bite?! But they do, and it’s all a grand propaganda to get me fat and jiggly. Whatevs.

Either way, that’s besides the point and I really do hope to get my act together immediately. Having said that, during said pottering and free-wheel ride, as mentioned above, I also pondered about just what standards we place on what being healthy and being strong are. As if those beauty magazines weren’t enough, I constantly find myself bombarded by “what entails good health”…and it goes without saying that none, I mean none of them focus on, or go beyond physical looks, and weight loss. It’s astounding how we’re so discretely bound by these social pressures…they make me feel exponentially fat, lazy, and indulgent in “all the wrong things”. While I respect their endeavours and give kudos to the people out there who really are making an effort, a large part of me also screams to highlight the importance of mental health and emotional well-being alongside physical health. I just see it as one big inseparable package, which somehow doesn’t get the attention it mandates. Our feelings of worth are equated with the way we look and the clothes we fit into, and that’s that.

While I was lost in thought, this very positive piece came my way, again on social media, which has its moments of goodness I’ll admit. I don’t look down upon exercise at all, but neither do I enjoy feeling like a failure or being nowhere by the constant information of someone else’s standards that I’m fed with on a very regular basis, or everyday, if I’m to be honest. It’s a dangerous and destructive feeling to experience, and one that robs any and all the beauty of other things living life has to offer. In fact, it was just this weekend that I really enjoyed a thela wala burger, two kebabs in a parantha, and a cheesecake slice without feeling bad or guilty for having “unhealthy” food, after what felt like forever. It made all the difference to me. And I hope my happy mind and body will understand this balance, and the importance of also getting into its shoes and on to the mat without further delay, just so it can live for more happies to come. :)