Tag Archives: Conscious Writing

19: Why Am I Doing This?

19 Jan

The past few days have been a little hard on the writing front. I won’t deny feeling a little demotivated, and largely confused from time to time. It’s obvious that drawing a blank is just as expected, as wanting to rant and pour one’s heart out, is…yin and yang, no? It’s all in good spirit, I tell myself, while trying to find only positives, in this situation. I’m not going to fight this difficulty in producing writing. It’s a phase, and so let it pass, my mind reassures itself. And that’s hugely comforting.

I’ve also been reminding myself of why I’m even doing this. Most of me doesn’t want to just randomly show up here, throw whatever it is that is my mind’s rubble, and leave. Sometimes that’s possible, a lot of the times, it isn’t. Also, it’s an unfair expectation which I don’t want to impose myself with. I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be. Sometimes reflecting on the choices we consciously make, puts everything into perspective. There are multiple reasons why I’m here and have chosen to be here, and why I’m taking that extra effort to be conscious of writing. Needless to say, this is just the 19th day of the year, so who knows what lies ahead? One day at a time. One day at a time. However, on looking back at this brief period of time, I can proudly say that, so far, I’ve achieved every single thing that I came out here to do. It’s a personal feat ranging from writing, being aware and conscious, discipline, and attempting to stick with more positives than negatives. I’ve never ever done this 19 days straight. :)

So when I ask myself why I’m investing in this effort, the intangible answers are more predominant than the tangible ones. That’s enough of a motivator to get me here, to show up, and to not even think about giving up. If I could hold this same will for exercising, I’d be a changed woman, I swear. Haha!

In my search and attempt at sponging off positiveness, to add more weight to this quintessential existential question of why am I even doing this, I’ve found to my delight, three things I must highlight and share, because it’s all about being grateful and happy, right? Well, mostly, at least. :)

a) this week has been extremely generous and kind to me in many ways. It has made me realise in not so many words and actions, that what isn’t meant for me, will never ever come my way no matter how hard I try. It has reaffirmed my concrete belief in this universal understanding – things happen for a reason.

b) on my walk yesterday, I came to my mailbox, which I almost never visit, to find mail all the way from S who lives in another land altogether. A holiday card, and lots of good tidings, were sent my way by her and her family. I couldn’t have been more delighted, or taken aback in the best way. Not only did it remind me of the days my life thrived on only because of mail, but of simple, heartfelt gestures that speak of times that I’d thought were left in the past. What a letter in my mailbox can do to me, I can only keep telling you about. Thank you, SHS. You’ve given me so much love in your thought.

c) Comedy Central India has done what I was dearly hoping it would – restart FRIENDS again. I believe people across the country tweeted this channel asking them why it wasn’t on air (they’d finished airing all the seasons all over again, just recently), and if they could please have it back. I’m thrilled about this news, really. I love the comfort and security of having something to watch on tv, even if I don’t actively follow it on a daily basis, you know? Also, I’m stupendously happy that there are people like me out there too. Never a dull, or lonely moment, when it comes to FRIENDS. It airs at 7pm, if you’re interested. :) Now if they’d just keep Fraiser, Seinfeld, and the 70’s Show on till forever as well, I’d never have to step out of my house to have a party. :P