Tag Archives: Blog

150: Zero Going On 150

30 May

I remember when I hit 50 posts; it was sometime in February. It felt surreal, almost like I had achieved the impossible; so low are my expectations from myself. But to be honest, those 50 didn’t come easily – there was a heady mix of struggle, doubt, creative inertia, blankness, and a lack of inspiration that I had to tackle with on a regular basis. That apart, and because blogging somewhere also boils down to the number game no matter how much a blogger denies its importance to them, my numbers were (and still are) not up to the mark – basically my content and blogger behaviour was just not attracting the readership that I desired. (It still isn’t, but that for later). However, (and I also mentioned this somewhere), there were many a time when I needed to show myself the mirror and remind myself of the purpose of this journey and who I was really embarking on it for. Shifting perspectives did help, because here I am, low numbers and all, at 150 posts today.

There are so many takeaways that I have from this experience already. Apart from the ones I have written about here already; where I celebrated one month, introspected a little at 90 days, looked back at a 100 days, and also fell into the pit of self-doubt regarding this concept of overfeeding, today makes me feel all this and more. For example:

I am grateful for me, for the time I have taken out to invest in this, for showing up, and just motoring on irrespective of everything else that tried dissuading me from going further. During this journey, I have realised the importance of genuine and conscious self-gratitude. Somehow this has become invisible, something that was kept on the back-burner for later which was then conveniently forgotten. Being thankful to everyone, everything, and one’s own self is mandatory because we are, ultimately, a part of this scheme of things, works, and circle too. This act of a simple thank you, minus any frills or falsities has made me realise the significance of genuine, ego-less thanks and the necessity for self-love for self-growth to take place. It, I think, stemmed from one of these marriage memes I saw on FB somewhere; something on the lines of “a marriage requires filling before it can be fulfilling”, which I analogised to this for myself “you cannot give if your cup is empty.”

The other thing I have learnt is that narrowing down my focus to a day at a time really helps in the long run. It has helped me get less overwhelmed by the large and looming fear of a three-digit number when I focus on just one. I hope I can imbibe this in the rest of my endeavours too.

On looking back, the road seems seamless, faultless, and just so smooth. Of course it doesn’t take a fool to realise that this wasn’t, in fact, my reality. But what I am going to take away from this is that no journey is hard if you show up and decide to take it forward; that roadblocks were made to make you slow down either to take in the view better, or to bring you back to humility that we might have not seen flying out the window.

I have become more observant, more fluent in my channels of expression, more comfortable with the way I express myself, less perturbed by comparisons and numbers, more confident in my own capabilities, and definitely more patient with my faculties. If it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t have come this far. Now if only I can keep this drive and focus going.

Lastly, it has made me feel more secure about myself. When I bring the mirror to me, I am reminded that this is something I am doing for my own self – irrespective of the numbers it may or may not garner as per my desires. This has reflected in the smallest of things which have brought me joy – that my readership is stronger than a promotional hit on a social media platform, that I have a dedicated bunch of faithful readers (with my mom taking the cake for this), and that I feel purposeful, almost humble as a writer/blogger for being able to achieve this. Quality over quantity, I remind myself. And that is exactly what we have given each other, dear reader. I wouldn’t have come this far if it wasn’t for this collective effort. For that, I do thank you, most genuinely and consciously, too. :)

123: Overfeeding

3 May

I’ll admit that I have my good days and my bad days; days I look forward to blogging or even just showing up, and days when I’m entirely wtf about this entire thing. No one’s anyway reading this blog, is what my thoughts tell my already overworked mind. Barring a handful of readers (9 exactly – and I love you, whoever you religious 9 are), my blog doesn’t seem to attract the readership a blogger dreams of cultivating. It’s not like you write amazingly, or even about relevant things for people to come to your blog. It’s not like you’ve given a blogger any reason to come all the way here, read, and engage with your sop stories every single day, my negativity goads me. Which even brings me to question whether I’m doing too much, feeding too much, being present too much.

One thing I have realised is this rather sickly I scratch your back you scratch mine bullshit. It exists even here, of all the places. So yeah, if I don’t comment or follow a blog, rest assured the blogger who once was engaging with me will stop immediately too. Sometimes this is understandable, but for a non-believer in all this foolery, it’s mostly stupid in my eyes. But each to our own.

Having said that, and despite all the negativity that likes to ruffle my blogger-feathers, I like coming here and doing my thing. I have to sometimes remind myself that when I took on this challenge, it wasn’t to get soaring stats or a blogger award (haha!) but because this was about me and for me. I lose focus at times and it’s thoughts and considerations like these which snuff out any attempt to put myself down.

And that’s a big thing for someone who took no time to pull herself up for anything and everything under the sun.

Thank you, dear 9 readers. Thank you for strengthening my purpose. :)

100: A Hundred Days Of Blogging

10 Apr

It’s been challenging, fascinating, intriguing and interesting, insightful, beautiful, and an extremely satisfying experience so far. Little did I think or imagine that I’d make it to a 100 days. It’s been crazy for sure, what with these annoying bouts of fluctuations swirling in my midst. Sometimes there’s clarity, structure, and even inspiration; while sometimes my faculties remain inert even though my mind’s brimming with activity. It’s been happening more prominently the past week or two, and I haven’t figured a way around it so far. Just showing up seems to make it all a little less domineering and easier than these blocks seem. This is definitely a feat; more the attempt of this challenge than its numbers. I’m uncertain about tomorrow, but today’s what I’ve got my eyes on, and that’s all there is to it.

My reading has slumped drastically since I last finished Krakauer’s book sometime ago. Caught in the trap of a work-life and the demands of domesticity, making time for some designated reading has been harder than I thought it would be. When it’s time to hit the sack, there’s no scope of sinking into a book what with my senses already half asleep. With that having taken a hit, it’s directly affected my ability to write as well. It just seems harder to write when I’m not reading, which is an interesting insight to this whole thing. I guess I just have to work harder and smarter to get a stronger foothold over this thing called balance, without feeling overwhelmed or overworked. Sometimes this need to do something becomes a plate full of everything that goes out of control. Either way, the biggest achievement for me would be to feel a sense of happiness, satisfaction, and rejuvenation from all this. Feeling haggard, let-down, and unproductive isn’t what I set out to feel, and if that comes at a cost, then so be it.

From this 100 days of blogging, I’ve learnt discipline, perseverance, time-management, productivity, thinking out of the box, apart from gathering this sense of achievement, peace, and satisfaction. It’s been motivating and inspiring to say the least. And it definitely has been rewarding at a deeply intrinsic level.

Thank you for reading and walking along. :)

90: The First Quarter

31 Mar

Shake me by my shoulders because we’re here on the final day of 2017’s first quarter. It’s been a whole three months since 2017 was born, and it’s been one whole month since I started working again. I mean shake me by my shoulders, will you? A lot of me feels like I’m floating dangerously away from this sense of time because it doesn’t feel like we’re starting the fourth month already. Four out of twelve. If I was better at math, I’d have quickly put in a shockingly dramatic stat to calculate time years like we do dog years. Assuming a year was equivalent to a hundred human years, we’ve just finished turning 25. Birth – 25 in a whizz.

If I were still sitting on my comfortable chair with my legs strewn across a beanbag underneath my table at my erstwhile and very corporate job, I’d be having those EoQ (End of Quarter) terminologies giving me some serious stress. I would be checking if my goals were met, if I exceeded them and by how much, if I fell short of them and by how much, and basically be figuring out the fireworks that ensue come the closing of every single darn quarter. Of course, there’d be the necessity to brag (which is a very okay and a very done thing in the world of corps) which would add an extra layer of discomfort on what is otherwise an already discomforting time for everyone. And if competition is a big thing, because of course it is, then you’d probably be either soaring or fuming if it mattered to you. This isn’t a dis, just a peek into what it feels like. This cheekiness and extreme orderliness has taught me more than my scepticism and conscience initially allowed me.

Either way, what I am trying to say without bragging or being annoying and in anybody’s face, is that I made it to 90 days! One whole quarter of blogging every single day. Three months of highs, lows, and plateaus. Countless moments of attempting to be novel. More moments that made me question myself and this entire challenge. But even more moments which gave me the strength, faith, and balls to carry on. On looking back, it’s been a whirr to be honest. There’s a lot I don’t remember, a lot that whizzed past me in what is a blur of days and expressions, but there’s this constant drive to continue, which I’m stumped to say, comes from within me. I promise I didn’t know of its existence. But it’s what gets me here, every single day, come immense procrastination, laziness, or just plain old randomness. Over and above everything else, it’s taught me about discipline, showing up, being present, and just about being aware, observant, and grateful.

And I swear, it all counts. :)

Also, happy Friday!

59: Traffic Jam

28 Feb

I try to write, but my mind’s tangled up in a bunch. Stuck somewhere in the week that was, today, and what lies ahead tomorrow, it’s a jam I can’t seem to get out of. So much has transpired this month, where it all went, is a mystery. Caught between the pages of newly made memories, and the attempts to file more of them before they fleet, my words find roadblocks…as always, there’s a traffic jam in my mind. Trying to cut corners, helps. Sometimes.

Waves are crashing in my head…of the good and overwhelming kind. There’s heaps to smooth out, the magic lies in those defined creases…just out of reach, ever so slightly out of my reach. Time has been spent to buy more memories, experiences, and notes that will only be mine, and mine alone; with people that are mine, and mine alone.

Forget about yesterday, keep tomorrow for tomorrow, they say. Give way, give way; let’s just stand and sway. Stranded between the was and the will be, let’s leave it all and just be free, free.

37: Blogging On The Go

6 Feb

I’ve never done it before…you know, whisking my phone out and swiftly typing a post out. Not only do I find it cumbersome but I think I’m just not used to it. There’s so much to say and it feels like writing it out on the phone won’t do justice to the space I need – it’s weird. However, with this commitment in mind, I wasn’t left with too many alternatives; therefore there were times when I penned my posts down and kept them for a decent internet connection to publish, and there were times when I’ve posted in retrospect.

What I do find with posting on the go is that I don’t like it. Technological convenience and ease aside, staring into my phone when I’m on the go makes me feel foolish and wasteful – why travel even when you’re lost in your phone, is what I ask myself. It takes away the moment, the experience, the fullness that encompasses being on the go.

For someone like me who finds it hard to keep her phone away, it’s a balance I’m trying to strike between this challenge and being in the moment. After all, apart from the fact that it isn’t easy for me to write on the go at all, other factors such as a decent network connection and just plain being busy become real obstacles in being up to date with this challenge.

This was my first experience trying to juggle the two – sometimes I tried, and sometimes I let go. But mostly, I let go. Being in the moment won hands down. :) Pardon me for being MIA when on holiday; it’s just the way it ought to be. :)

19: Why Am I Doing This?

19 Jan

The past few days have been a little hard on the writing front. I won’t deny feeling a little demotivated, and largely confused from time to time. It’s obvious that drawing a blank is just as expected, as wanting to rant and pour one’s heart out, is…yin and yang, no? It’s all in good spirit, I tell myself, while trying to find only positives, in this situation. I’m not going to fight this difficulty in producing writing. It’s a phase, and so let it pass, my mind reassures itself. And that’s hugely comforting.

I’ve also been reminding myself of why I’m even doing this. Most of me doesn’t want to just randomly show up here, throw whatever it is that is my mind’s rubble, and leave. Sometimes that’s possible, a lot of the times, it isn’t. Also, it’s an unfair expectation which I don’t want to impose myself with. I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be. Sometimes reflecting on the choices we consciously make, puts everything into perspective. There are multiple reasons why I’m here and have chosen to be here, and why I’m taking that extra effort to be conscious of writing. Needless to say, this is just the 19th day of the year, so who knows what lies ahead? One day at a time. One day at a time. However, on looking back at this brief period of time, I can proudly say that, so far, I’ve achieved every single thing that I came out here to do. It’s a personal feat ranging from writing, being aware and conscious, discipline, and attempting to stick with more positives than negatives. I’ve never ever done this 19 days straight. :)

So when I ask myself why I’m investing in this effort, the intangible answers are more predominant than the tangible ones. That’s enough of a motivator to get me here, to show up, and to not even think about giving up. If I could hold this same will for exercising, I’d be a changed woman, I swear. Haha!

In my search and attempt at sponging off positiveness, to add more weight to this quintessential existential question of why am I even doing this, I’ve found to my delight, three things I must highlight and share, because it’s all about being grateful and happy, right? Well, mostly, at least. :)

a) this week has been extremely generous and kind to me in many ways. It has made me realise in not so many words and actions, that what isn’t meant for me, will never ever come my way no matter how hard I try. It has reaffirmed my concrete belief in this universal understanding – things happen for a reason.

b) on my walk yesterday, I came to my mailbox, which I almost never visit, to find mail all the way from S who lives in another land altogether. A holiday card, and lots of good tidings, were sent my way by her and her family. I couldn’t have been more delighted, or taken aback in the best way. Not only did it remind me of the days my life thrived on only because of mail, but of simple, heartfelt gestures that speak of times that I’d thought were left in the past. What a letter in my mailbox can do to me, I can only keep telling you about. Thank you, SHS. You’ve given me so much love in your thought.

c) Comedy Central India has done what I was dearly hoping it would – restart FRIENDS again. I believe people across the country tweeted this channel asking them why it wasn’t on air (they’d finished airing all the seasons all over again, just recently), and if they could please have it back. I’m thrilled about this news, really. I love the comfort and security of having something to watch on tv, even if I don’t actively follow it on a daily basis, you know? Also, I’m stupendously happy that there are people like me out there too. Never a dull, or lonely moment, when it comes to FRIENDS. It airs at 7pm, if you’re interested. :) Now if they’d just keep Fraiser, Seinfeld, and the 70’s Show on till forever as well, I’d never have to step out of my house to have a party. :P

Updates And Then Some

17 Sep

In the middle of some very unwelcome, yet powerful bout of insomnia which snatched every trace of sleep away from me indefinitely last night, I did what I usually dislike doing – getting allllll the way out of bed and figuring out what to do with this slot of time which should have otherwise been spent in satisfactory slumber. Since reading was an inevitable failure, I made my way to my here to complete the tinkering of my blog which I had left halfway through for another day. Babska: 1. Procrastination: – 0.5. Anyhoo, apart from wanting to genuinely do something to this space, I’ve been thinking of how else to incorporate the small but other meaningful things that also highlight my day on a regular basis. Apparently playing around with template codes and what not seemed to be my brain’s need of that certain graveyard hour. And so I tinkered. Here’s what’s new for now:

In addition to my Food page, I’ve gotten myself a new page called Photographs right next to it, on the upper right hand corner. Given how playing with images is more than just a thing I love, it was only a matter of time before it reappeared back on my blog space. These are all teeny tiny ideas that I’m attempting to put forth and hopefully develop as the days go. For now, this is where you will find my chronicling of all things photograph and food related. It feels exciting to have a folder where I can find the things I especially love, apart from feeling super organised or at least trying to be better organised around my blog.

What also happened yesterday all through most of last night was also this: a new segment of posts I’d like to wickedly call Quickies. I love the option of putting up tiny titbit posts on the go – it feels like I’m more connected and it feels like I’m being more disciplined about publishing not just the big, but small things in general. I also have another segment of posts called the PhotoADay category, because hello photography, my love. It is here that I hope to publish one photograph every day and to get increasingly active on learning to speak more with images as well. My first post for the day is up, here. Look? There is no strict plan or theme in mind yet… I guess the idea is to go along and capture most of my day in one picture.

I’m not really sure if this is too much too fast, a long time coming, or a lot I’ve put on my plate. But I’m ready to go with the flow and take it as it comes. Let me know your thoughts, please. Also, insomnia bout well spent, ay?

Have a beautiful weekend, my dear reader(s). :)

Holding Steady

17 Aug

this block of mine…overcoming-writers-block-nonprofit-blogging

and me, my ground.

img_1720

Respectively, of course.

Sneaky Disguises

12 Aug

I’m afraid I have what is otherwise called a writer’s block; except mine seems to be parading town in the guise of busyness, if you please. What a scam job.

At first I really did think that a lot was going on with my life – with nothing new added to it, I’d like to note. Agreeably, there was a lot of travel of the happy, beautiful kind where copious amounts of sleep and hydration were also bartered in return for extra time with family and friends, and of course, lesser highway pit stops. But while these two did do their best to get back at me by knocking my socks far away from me, it wouldn’t be fair in the absolute sense, to hold them responsible for this absence. Or so I’d like to believe.

However, a block is a block and a block will always be thick, self-centred and egoistic about the space it deems fit to occupy from person to person. Like I said, I was fooled into believing that fatigue, stress and travel, in general, had gotten the better of me; what with me having gone as far as to question my ageing process. What a fiend, this one.

But I’m of the belief that writing helps tackle blocks, even if you spew shittier shit out, from time to time. Perhaps it’s the closest analogy to tackling a hangover – with another beer, they say. And so here I am, writing with no particular aim or theme in mind, surrounded by the claps and roaring of thunder that only threatens to disable my wifi connection just before I hit the publish button.

Given that it is Friday, therefore a permissive and fine time to tease my caffeine sensitivity, filter coffee has been had. A strong will + filter coffee somehow tends to work better as a team. The rain has started, I feel pumped up and alert, also seemingly satisfied to have consumed said caffeine around the fine ambience that my surroundings presently are, and of course, my block seems less stubborn – I’m thinking about what to write tomorrow. See?

It’s another thing that that was just a thought. Someone did say that actions speak louder than words, or, erm, thoughts, in this case.

Here’s hoping for persistence and a more hardcore approach to box this block away. In the mean time, I hope your Friday evening goes as fine and smooth as perfectly put eyeliner.

(I read that somewhere and found it to be divine without a doubt).