Tag Archives: APostADay

150: Zero Going On 150

30 May

I remember when I hit 50 posts; it was sometime in February. It felt surreal, almost like I had achieved the impossible; so low are my expectations from myself. But to be honest, those 50 didn’t come easily – there was a heady mix of struggle, doubt, creative inertia, blankness, and a lack of inspiration that I had to tackle with on a regular basis. That apart, and because blogging somewhere also boils down to the number game no matter how much a blogger denies its importance to them, my numbers were (and still are) not up to the mark – basically my content and blogger behaviour was just not attracting the readership that I desired. (It still isn’t, but that for later). However, (and I also mentioned this somewhere), there were many a time when I needed to show myself the mirror and remind myself of the purpose of this journey and who I was really embarking on it for. Shifting perspectives did help, because here I am, low numbers and all, at 150 posts today.

There are so many takeaways that I have from this experience already. Apart from the ones I have written about here already; where I celebrated one month, introspected a little at 90 days, looked back at a 100 days, and also fell into the pit of self-doubt regarding this concept of overfeeding, today makes me feel all this and more. For example:

I am grateful for me, for the time I have taken out to invest in this, for showing up, and just motoring on irrespective of everything else that tried dissuading me from going further. During this journey, I have realised the importance of genuine and conscious self-gratitude. Somehow this has become invisible, something that was kept on the back-burner for later which was then conveniently forgotten. Being thankful to everyone, everything, and one’s own self is mandatory because we are, ultimately, a part of this scheme of things, works, and circle too. This act of a simple thank you, minus any frills or falsities has made me realise the significance of genuine, ego-less thanks and the necessity for self-love for self-growth to take place. It, I think, stemmed from one of these marriage memes I saw on FB somewhere; something on the lines of “a marriage requires filling before it can be fulfilling”, which I analogised to this for myself “you cannot give if your cup is empty.”

The other thing I have learnt is that narrowing down my focus to a day at a time really helps in the long run. It has helped me get less overwhelmed by the large and looming fear of a three-digit number when I focus on just one. I hope I can imbibe this in the rest of my endeavours too.

On looking back, the road seems seamless, faultless, and just so smooth. Of course it doesn’t take a fool to realise that this wasn’t, in fact, my reality. But what I am going to take away from this is that no journey is hard if you show up and decide to take it forward; that roadblocks were made to make you slow down either to take in the view better, or to bring you back to humility that we might have not seen flying out the window.

I have become more observant, more fluent in my channels of expression, more comfortable with the way I express myself, less perturbed by comparisons and numbers, more confident in my own capabilities, and definitely more patient with my faculties. If it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t have come this far. Now if only I can keep this drive and focus going.

Lastly, it has made me feel more secure about myself. When I bring the mirror to me, I am reminded that this is something I am doing for my own self – irrespective of the numbers it may or may not garner as per my desires. This has reflected in the smallest of things which have brought me joy – that my readership is stronger than a promotional hit on a social media platform, that I have a dedicated bunch of faithful readers (with my mom taking the cake for this), and that I feel purposeful, almost humble as a writer/blogger for being able to achieve this. Quality over quantity, I remind myself. And that is exactly what we have given each other, dear reader. I wouldn’t have come this far if it wasn’t for this collective effort. For that, I do thank you, most genuinely and consciously, too. :)

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100: A Hundred Days Of Blogging

10 Apr

It’s been challenging, fascinating, intriguing and interesting, insightful, beautiful, and an extremely satisfying experience so far. Little did I think or imagine that I’d make it to a 100 days. It’s been crazy for sure, what with these annoying bouts of fluctuations swirling in my midst. Sometimes there’s clarity, structure, and even inspiration; while sometimes my faculties remain inert even though my mind’s brimming with activity. It’s been happening more prominently the past week or two, and I haven’t figured a way around it so far. Just showing up seems to make it all a little less domineering and easier than these blocks seem. This is definitely a feat; more the attempt of this challenge than its numbers. I’m uncertain about tomorrow, but today’s what I’ve got my eyes on, and that’s all there is to it.

My reading has slumped drastically since I last finished Krakauer’s book sometime ago. Caught in the trap of a work-life and the demands of domesticity, making time for some designated reading has been harder than I thought it would be. When it’s time to hit the sack, there’s no scope of sinking into a book what with my senses already half asleep. With that having taken a hit, it’s directly affected my ability to write as well. It just seems harder to write when I’m not reading, which is an interesting insight to this whole thing. I guess I just have to work harder and smarter to get a stronger foothold over this thing called balance, without feeling overwhelmed or overworked. Sometimes this need to do something becomes a plate full of everything that goes out of control. Either way, the biggest achievement for me would be to feel a sense of happiness, satisfaction, and rejuvenation from all this. Feeling haggard, let-down, and unproductive isn’t what I set out to feel, and if that comes at a cost, then so be it.

From this 100 days of blogging, I’ve learnt discipline, perseverance, time-management, productivity, thinking out of the box, apart from gathering this sense of achievement, peace, and satisfaction. It’s been motivating and inspiring to say the least. And it definitely has been rewarding at a deeply intrinsic level.

Thank you for reading and walking along. :)

90: The First Quarter

31 Mar

Shake me by my shoulders because we’re here on the final day of 2017’s first quarter. It’s been a whole three months since 2017 was born, and it’s been one whole month since I started working again. I mean shake me by my shoulders, will you? A lot of me feels like I’m floating dangerously away from this sense of time because it doesn’t feel like we’re starting the fourth month already. Four out of twelve. If I was better at math, I’d have quickly put in a shockingly dramatic stat to calculate time years like we do dog years. Assuming a year was equivalent to a hundred human years, we’ve just finished turning 25. Birth – 25 in a whizz.

If I were still sitting on my comfortable chair with my legs strewn across a beanbag underneath my table at my erstwhile and very corporate job, I’d be having those EoQ (End of Quarter) terminologies giving me some serious stress. I would be checking if my goals were met, if I exceeded them and by how much, if I fell short of them and by how much, and basically be figuring out the fireworks that ensue come the closing of every single darn quarter. Of course, there’d be the necessity to brag (which is a very okay and a very done thing in the world of corps) which would add an extra layer of discomfort on what is otherwise an already discomforting time for everyone. And if competition is a big thing, because of course it is, then you’d probably be either soaring or fuming if it mattered to you. This isn’t a dis, just a peek into what it feels like. This cheekiness and extreme orderliness has taught me more than my scepticism and conscience initially allowed me.

Either way, what I am trying to say without bragging or being annoying and in anybody’s face, is that I made it to 90 days! One whole quarter of blogging every single day. Three months of highs, lows, and plateaus. Countless moments of attempting to be novel. More moments that made me question myself and this entire challenge. But even more moments which gave me the strength, faith, and balls to carry on. On looking back, it’s been a whirr to be honest. There’s a lot I don’t remember, a lot that whizzed past me in what is a blur of days and expressions, but there’s this constant drive to continue, which I’m stumped to say, comes from within me. I promise I didn’t know of its existence. But it’s what gets me here, every single day, come immense procrastination, laziness, or just plain old randomness. Over and above everything else, it’s taught me about discipline, showing up, being present, and just about being aware, observant, and grateful.

And I swear, it all counts. :)

Also, happy Friday!