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185: …

5 Jul

Ma left for Bangalore this morning. The guest bedroom is lifeless, the sheets perfect, the bed made, her purse and bags missing…just traces of her presence left behind every single where.

I hate saying bye; it’s something I despise immensely. Perhaps it’s a good thing I couldn’t get to spend as much time with her this morning since we were all getting ready to leave. As her cab moved along, all I felt was a sense of loss – of seeing her happy, smiling face everywhere; of just being in her solidly strong presence.

Thankfully there was a hectic day at school that took over everything else. I managed to sponge off some positivity from my students as we shared our thoughts and feelings before beginning our day.

She left behind, among pieces of advice, love, strength and joy, this book I almost picked up at a store but kept for later instead – Rabindranath Tagore’s autobiography – which is a keep.

His work is beyond classical and beautiful, something I thoroughly enjoy poring over bit by bit.

“Let your life lightly dance on the edges of
Time like dew on the tip of a leaf.”

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167: Surrender

17 Jun

159: Surprises

8 Jun

Ever since I’ve gotten to Bangalore, there have been couriers by my name coming my way. The first one was from a jewellery store – the same one A bought my ring from. Of course I was shocked to see it come my way, and as my mind did the usual by default – it flipped and went into overdrive. Who could’ve sent this? Why? What’s in it? This has got to be crazy? Oh dear Lord, I’m married, don’t tell me there’s a creepy secret admirer?! Of course it isn’t a creepy secret admirer, the only one who’d do something like this would be A! Oh, open it already. Just to be safe, I called A up to ask him if he’d sent something for me. All this even before opening the damn package. But you just left, why would I send you jewellery?, A joked. Maybe because there’s a latent strand of romance in you and perhaps you miss me? I urged. All said and done, A confirmed that that package wasn’t from him. Packing up whatever hopes of romance I thought might resurface with this small act, I gathered myself and opened it – to find a box of chocolates. CHOCOLATES in a box from a jewellery store. I’ll let you imagine the feeling it invoked. (PS, I didn’t even have them; the gall!!)

Anyway, another courier came my way, leaving me stumped again.

Inside it lay a collection of Gulzar’s translations of Rabindranath Tagore’s works. I stared at it, and stared at it some more. Who could’ve possibly given me such a precious gift? I eyed ma and asked her upfront, which she denied straightfacedly. I wracked my brain again wondering who could’ve known exactly what I want when I’m looking for peace, quiet, and solitude.

It turns out that the package was indeed from ma – can you imagine my shock, surprise, and sheer delight?! It was stupid of me to even wonder who so painstakingly and thoughtfully extended this gesture of love towards me – of course it had to be ma and only ma.

I’m still at a loss for words, to be very honest. Gifts like these are worth their weight in gold.

94: Resonance

4 Apr

Today’s all about perfect indulgences…of which some of them are:

 

 

 

 

 

(drifts away)

93: Looking Back

3 Apr

Here’s one from a while back that I found when I was scrolling back to my posts from way back. I’m not sure if I wrote this or posted this as a source of inspiration. It’s got to be the latter of course, except I’ve been mad and not mentioned anything on that post, and neither can I find any references online. Sometimes looking back can be embarrassingly cringe-worthy, and sometimes it can make today feel embarrassingly cringe-worthy, because go ahead and indulge in this. If I’ve written this, then woah me!

 

ये आसूं, इनको न बहने दो
ये जो मेरी ज़िन्दगी है,
मुझे जीने दो,
मुझे जीने दो.

पास आए ये पल जो लेहेरते हुए
इनको ख्वाबों में बट जाने दो,
ज़िन्दगी के
ख्वाबों में बट जाने दो.

न अकेली में
न अकेले तुम
यह जो हमारे ख्वाब हैं
तैरने दो, इन्हें तुम.

पल हसीं है,
जवानी अमीर है;
इनको न ठेस पहुचाओ.
न रहो अलग तुम
न रहे अलग हम.

 

Happy Monday! :)

77: Pour Your Whiskey

18 Mar

and sink into the soul of this,

 

and this one, which hits the spot every single time.

 

 

Have a lovely Saturday. :)

44: Saying Goodbye For Now

13 Feb

Winter is a strange season in the north. It’s frigid, grey, dull, dark, and heavy. It’s also intoxicatingly beautiful, and overflowing with warmth in everything else it produces. I love this season the most, especially in our country. Anywhere in our country. Even the extra layers, and the hot hot baths. There’s this freshness that I look forward to, the crispness of the sun, the frivolity of the flora all around us. I’m always sad when it’s time to say goodbye, because look what I’ve to bid adieu to. 


Every season has its own purpose, its own beauty, its own lessons. But despite how harsh winters usually are, it’s this season that warms my heart the most. ❤️

35: Of Monumental Gratitude

4 Feb

This is my third visit to Agra; the city of the one and only Taj Mahal. The first time I came here was with A for a day’s visit, back when he was courting me. Unfortunately neither of us were aware that it was the closed on the very day we’d taken time out to visit it – Friday. After all, who shuts a wonder of the world down for a day every single week, I ridiculed. We drove down on a Friday, obviously oblivious, and returned back thoroughly disappointed; I’d come all the way from Bangalore back then. Our second visit was dominated by family time and commitments, which left us with no room to step out. 
This time when we planned our travel, I’d left the idea on its own…if it happened, I’d be thankful, and if it didn’t happen, I’d have to wait till my time to see it arrived, I told myself. With that, we set off for Agra again, to visit family. 

Today, at long last, this happened. 


The only thing I remember saying when I climed the steps up to the mausoleum was an exclamation! I’ve never ever seen a building this beautiful, this humbling. I will talk about my experiences in greater detail sometime. However, all I’d like to say for now, is how immensely grateful I am for witnessing this piece of history, beauty, remembrance, love if you will, and melancholy that made me stop and stare, today. 

24: This And That

24 Jan

The first thing I saw on opening today’s newspaper was that of a hit and run/accident involving yet another rich kid speeding yet again in his posh car at what seems to have been a dangerous speed for city roads, and rammed into a stationary taxi, killing its driver. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve even begun subscribing for a newspaper, even. This sort of morbidity is everyday news; it’s there every single day. These repugnant incidents, and the maddening frequency at which they’re happening, trigger such a spectrum of usually negative thoughts first thing in the morning; something I selfishly dislike and wish to stay away from as consciously as I can. It’s always at the cost of guilt and regret, because where does one draw the line between giving voice and volume to these pertinent issues which should lead to concrete action, and preventing them from settling into an obsessive, repetitive deliberation. I really do not mean to come across as being insensitive; in fact, because of the uncertainty of what the next moment holds, especially given the crass and mindless environment we live in, this makes it anything but forgettable or compassionless. However, despite it all, I can’t imagine a morning or teatime routine without a newspaper in tow. Sigh. It’s a torment, either way.

I also found myself waking up with a headache, and I wonder what I did/didn’t do, to be bestowed with such a nagging gift, first thing in the morning. Maybe it’s because Tuesday’s here; the second most insipid day of the week, after Wednesday, of course. On recollecting what I could’ve possibly done to myself which resulted in a headache, the answer seems more or less clear – I had masala green peas (the dry ones that are roasted and had with drinks) and a chocobar for dinner. To be honest, I love those green peas, and to be even more honest, I’m not on a starvation drive. I do love my food. Oh that things junk food does to us. It’s aptly clear that I’m ageing, because look what happens at the slightest ignorance these days. Do you also experience a more vocal bodily reaction now? What is also apparent is that bursting this time bubble/warp thing I’m so nonchalantly still luxuriously reclining in, is beyond my capacities. The world of denial is oft colourful, pretty, and of course, utterly misleading. Haha!

On to more interesting things, I realised that my blog had no pictures in its posts, off late or maybe even for ever. To have erred so, is blasphemous on numerous counts. So here goes, and here’s what’s making me feel utterly delighted even in this bone-chilling weather.

img_0696

I love that I can see a clean, blue sky, dotted with paintings of clouds, as opposed to the dull brownish-greyish faux sky ceiling my city has on its possession year round. These moments remind me of home in so many ways; in fact the first thing I usually do on alighting an aircraft in Bangalore is to pause and take a deep breath. It makes all the difference, and to be able to do that without choking or coughing, is a blessing untold.

As I make my exit, here’s wishing your day to be a painting as marvellous as this one is. :)

 

Learning About Love

16 Jun

It looks like I’m in the mood to write today. There is a tonne of work to be done and it’s not much of a surprise that it’s been kept aside, yet again. It’s a fact that I’m a procrastinator and that working under pressure seems to be the fuel I need to finish a task and to achieve a goal. But how much pressure now feels uncertain given how I’ve wasted my time away instead of doing the things that need to be done. And I’m not even talking about that pile of clothes which needs folding and hasn’t been approached/tackled since forever. It’s good to not care sometimes, because you want your spouse to help out with some of the housework before you end up doing it all without leaving any for them to do. But at the moment, it’s more about not caring than about implementing spousal domestication – haha – because I’m stuck at that ‘thy mug brimmeth over’ feeling since yesterday, which I wrote in my previous post.

I actually came here to write about this love business because I guess it’s a good time to tap into this aspect of life when one is feeling peachy and rosy and unperturbed by that pile of laundry, unwashed vessels and other more important tasks at hand. It’s a good time to forget about priorities and talk about love, because the pessimist in me used to firmly believe that love is for fools and that love makes us weak and foolish. No, I’m not judging anyone for being in love or for showing/feeling love…I’m just a very normal pessimist who prefers to prepare for that dark cloud rather than bask in the glory of some golden sunshine, happy honeybees and chirping birds, as it were. It’s no surprise who the fool here is, but never mind.

But, because that coffee from yesterday has been so elevating (ahem), I only see blossoming roses, chirpy birds and that stray honeybee today. It has also brought me to write this post and so I shall begin…sorry for the massive digression and thank you for your patience if you still are reading this post.

I’m no expert in love and never have been, as you’ve read and gauged so far. But over the course of the last few months, I’ve learnt the following about love and about learning to love. Of course, the journey of discovery and enlightenment continues and I have a long, long, long way to go. But here’s what I’ve figured, so far.

*********************

Love is when you’re bloody pissed off with the person but still manage to do the things you know will make them happy without hitting them on their head.

Love is being able to express your feelings, thoughts and emotions without being judgemental or without judging.

Love is frayed hair, bushy eyebrows, forested hands and legs and no makeup that elicit responses and actions that make you feel normal.

Love is also having to state how funny, terrible, not presentable the other is looking when required.

Love is being able to fall asleep to that snore you found too loud to begin with, unless of course you’re too tired to care.

Love is about learning when to let go and when to hold on.

Love lies in communication.

Love is about acknowledging the small things we do.

Love is a big fat argument or fight that settles down in a calm and practical conversation.

Love is comfortable silence.

Love is grilled chicken and vegetables and love is certainly a well-made sandwich that is savoured in silence.

Love lies in honesty, no matter how hurtful it can be.

Love is a tight hug that you may or may not have asked for.

Love can sometimes be found in irritating the other. Sometimes.

Love lies in acceptance.

Love also lies in constructive feedback and sometimes, criticism.

Love is about being blatant.

Love is about being no-nonsense.

Love is about being firm.

Love lies in kindness.

Love is a talk you really needed.

Love can be found at the end of a scream, if you care to listen.

Love can also be found in the voice of silence.

Love definitely lies in insurance policy nominations.

Love sometimes lies in unforeseen possession.

Love is a walk like none other.