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Day 4: Change

4 Jan

It was bang in the middle of last year, when I was seat-belted and on my way to Bangalore, that my life was changing in the serious adult sort of way. A change that has no excuses, no escape routes, no shortcuts, no alternatives to comfort the commitment-afraid me. Half of me saw marriage as a life change that still had the potential to give me that leeway, should I ever want or need it; much to my husband’s utter shock and then ire. It’s an all or none deal, he told me. There can be no frivolity in judgement no matter how hard it gets, he explained to me over a phone call before we were to get married. He was still aghast at my way of thinking, which to me was very natural and completely normal given the history I’ve been woven from. It was scary; exciting yes, but scary to get into something so final. Little did I (reallyknow that there were changes with a grander and firmer foundation of finality than getting married. And so it happened – suddenly, hugely, and startlingly – in the form of two very defined pink lines on the pregnancy test I held in my hand once I got back from Bangalore, after two weeks of delayed periods and a nagging subconscious.

We’d begun talking about the idea of it, the possibility of it, and the plan to start working on it with immediate effect. But perhaps the universe suspected we were fooling ourselves and decided to conspire against us, in this case. The first sign was of course my delayed period, which I panicked about but then shrugged aside owing to changes in diet and what have you. The second stronger sign was my rather sudden dislike for alcohol every time I’d sip on it. Beer tasted strange, whiskey didn’t appeal to me, and again, I shrugged it off as something to be ignored. The third sign was this unnecessary fatigue I felt constantly. Back then I didn’t realise or even know that this was an early sign of pregnancy, which I blamed on the comparatively fewer trips we made to Comm Street. Something was amiss, and ma did voice what I was pushing into the recesses of my consciousness – is it possible that you’re pregnant mun?, she gently asked while I washed my teacup one evening. Of course I scoffed and kept it aside for another day.

There are two things I’ve learnt – never scoff at your mom, and never question her acute sense of intuition. These instances have always, and I mean always, backfired in my face every.single.time. And it was to happen to me yet again. It would be just a couple of hours after I said my byes to her that I would call her up again and mumble the words – ma, I’m pregnant; the stick shows two, very clear, pink lines. She was quiet (perhaps respecting my feelings and state of mind regarding it), and then congratulated the two of us and blessed us. We were to travel the very next morning to my in-laws, and I got no sleep that night.

If there’s a feeling I won’t forget, it’s the indescribable experience of watching that white nothingness turn into a second pink line. I remember staring at it, keeping it aside, and then revisiting it again. Repeatedly. It was that kaleidoscope of emotions that constantly switches from surprise to shock to excitement to fear to tears to this tide of overwhelming feelings that kept washing over me for what would be sometime to come. I was granted and bestowed with a gift, a responsibility, a job, a journey, a learning experience, a chance within a million chances to be *it* for someone who had chosen to come to us. It was a lot to take then.

When I look back, the two of us have come a long, long way. From feeling completely lost and left in the unknown, to where we are today – a little less lost and lot more sure of ourselves as parents and individuals – it’s been an intriguing journey. We’re far from perfect and will never be because that’s not what we’re gunning for. We’re here today, standing together, a little more ready and a lot less unsure from where we started off. Faith, trust, love, togetherness, and madness – I reckon this is all it takes to get by.

PS, trust me on the not scoffing at your mom bit. It’s true.


Day 3: Red

3 Jan

I opened the paper bag that had been lying around for sometime now; filled with the remnants of the kindest gesture from my neighbour. Out came what I’d left lying inside, for a day when I was perhaps feeling more adventurous – an uber smart navy blue and red striped maternity top. It’s a brand new year and I really ought to do away with some of my rusty beliefs and ways of thinking, I thought, as I coaxed myself into wearing this top filled with a colour I love but never wear – red. It fit and supported my belly snugly, and on I went to start my day as I usually do once I’ve had my bath. But midway through the process of lighting the diya, the doorbell rang, and I left it there to return back to it later.

I must digress in order to continue; and here’s why – because red is a colour I’ve grown up wearing and loved wearing, till I started noticing (and then associating) its coupling with negativity/the occurrence of negative events every time I wore something red. It’s rather absurd and strange, really. But it’s happened too often, in fact every single time since, which has led me to admire the dynamic colour from afar now. I did give it a chance during one of my wedding ceremonies which made me – the centre of attraction and all things amaze – end up looking horrendously raccoon-ish, and made the entire event a sad and far cry from what it was supposed to be. Anyhow, one must proceed, and so shall I – forward to today and my rather smart looking and feeling red and blue top.

The doorbell ushered in a small series of events that only left me frazzled and in an irritable mood at the end of it all. It started with the arrival of our baby’s bed – a superbly cute and lovely piece – which was too big to fit in through our doors. It is a beautiful gift from the baby’s grandparents, but one that now lies in a packed state of in-between-ness and a tangle of awkwardness and delicate sentiments. While I sat and cajoled my mood, another emergency beckoned my immediate attention – a flush that would refuse to stop flushing, with water gushing everywhere (given we stay in an old apartment with an even older plumbing system, or lack of). The emergency calls were made and there I was, in an even more rotten mood; but thankful for the plumber’s swift arrival, and for a direct target on which to focus these stupid turn of events – my wearing of the colour red.

Rest assured I changed right into a more comforting colour at a swifter pace than the plumber’s arrival, and before any other mishaps could even think of occurring. *rolls her eyes*

I really do not intend to be dramatic, but if I could express my state of affairs better, I would.

My freshly cleaned house is in a disarray just after having cleaned it, with furniture everywhere (to make room for the cot) and I’ve mustered up all my strengths to use the power of ignorance to march on forward. I’m barely sane, and this is all I can take for now.

Day 2: Life’s Littlest Things

2 Jan

I decided to treat myself to a trip to the mall yesterday. It’s not the first on my list of places to visit, but when it’s the safest and most (logistically, physically, and environmentally) comfortable option, it’s not one I shy away from. Besides, I’d been wanting to go, walk around, window shop, and vicariously enjoy all the things I cannot buy just yet (like those sparkly pumps that I’ve been drooling over since forever).

It turns out that most of the city was in the same mall yesterday – I had (unsurprisingly) miscalculated and thought I’d sneak in a visit when it was at its emptiest best, except 1st January seems to sadly be a holiday for all and sundry (except my husband). Besides, I was already tired the moment I entered that ginormous place. Unexpected crowds of all types + tiredness was surely going to be fun. But march on I did; right into the masses who had come to shop at the endless EOSS (End Of Season Sales) that are on, sight-see, click selfies, pose near promotional Audis, openly hold hands with accompanying partner/lover without the care of snoopy aunty-eyes, and what have you. It’s nice to people-watch discreetly, no?

The ultimate reward was to obviously be a food treat at the end of it all. When I’m visiting on weekdays and get delayed, it’s a hearty bowl of soup. When it’s a Friday evening, it’s usually a toasty cup of coffee. Going anywhere has to be accompanied by a food experience, by default. I’d spend the entire tortoise-paced afternoon subconsciously planning what to treat myself with, except I was clueless at the end of it (as always) when it was time for A to pick me up. My instinct led me straight to Starbucks and right to a coffee and toffee nut cold coffee with whipped cream on top (which I hadn’t asked for, but still welcomed).

It’s not a big deal, you know? Cold coffees were always a done thing. But I cannot remember when I had one at an outlet the last time. It turns out that 2017, and perhaps most of 2016 didn’t really feature a cold coffee in it. What a strange thing to happen, indeed. However, there I was, beginning my year with something I love, that really isn’t a big deal at all. I did begin coughing again (having just recovered from a nasty viral), but some things are best taken with a pinch of salt and warm water, left to be overshadowed by smaller, greater joys. Life’s littlest things are indeed the greatest of things and I never imagined a glass of coffee with my name spelt correctly on it (another first) to be it. :)

Day 1

1 Jan

With 365 pages and 12 chapters to write, I’m trying to begin this new book with a new start. There’s been this burning sense to write which I haven’t allowed to go up in flames just yet. Turn to your blog and write for whatever it’s worth, my mind said. Here I am, awaiting this year with more anticipation than I’ve any other year. More than the feelings of nervousness, doubt, and passing flashes of fear, I cannot wait for this year to unfold itself one day at a time.

Happy new year, my dear reader. May your aspirations give you a sense of direction and movement, a chance to do all that you wish to, and achieve the big and small things that do indeed make your world go around.

Here’s to keeping it simple and short, succinct and subtle, and ever so meaningful. :)

187: The Nowhere Post

22 Aug

Hello dear reader, I hope things have been ahmayzing at your end and I trust that all is well. All’s good on my side of the turf, too. :)

It’s super safe to say that I’ve done wonders to this challenge by disappearing, and for the length of time that I have. It was a mixed bag complete with losing my mojo to write, being preoccupied with a hoard of other things, and then just losing track altogether. I’m not sure I can make up for the lost time and posts, but I’m leaving that to the writing and blogging Gods, and my willingness to bid laziness goodbye.

This was just a random resurface post; a small hi, hope all’s well post.

Till later. :)

186: Little Conversations And Happy Vibes

6 Jul

It was yesterday while at school that it struck me how surrounded I am by different people. While my students put up what was perhaps the best assembly so far this year, I watched on like a proud class teacher would, and felt a connection with them for the first time I think. They picked the very apt, very relatable, very important topic “self-acceptance” and delivered a marvellous job which only spoke to hard work, effort, and a great connection with the subject. As the audience stood in rapt attention lapping up all they had to offer, my kids ladled praises that came their way. Much deserved and worthy of bragging, most definitely.

I’m not a very social person or a very open person. My walls are high, my boundaries very marked. I don’t cross lines and no one crosses mine; not beyond a point i.e. But I’ve been noticing this uncanny phenomenon which has been happening off late that can only be attributed to kids and their ability, to either lovingly or annoyingly, gnaw their way into a person’s heart. I’ve a varied bunch of kids from all walks of life – they’re all amazing in their own way, and equally challenging to handle.

They’ve slowly but surely started inching closer towards me, and I towards them. Professionally, of course. And somewhere in this entire process I’m reminded about just how many variant vibes I’m surrounded by – happy, jovial, youthful, energetic, humourous, beautiful vibes. I’ve been having conversations with myself, telling myself good things, even. Opening up to these youngsters all around me has helped me take these little conversations to another level; to open my eyes and see that there’s so much good energy all around me to sponge off from, to give to, to engage with.

People are strange.

But magic is stranger.

184: Do You Know…

4 Jul

…that everything’s going to be alright? That it never was anything but alright all this while? That it takes a special kind of understanding to feel at peace, to come to terms with life’s ways, to essentially let go?

Do you know that the world conspires to put things together – sometimes with a small prayer, sometimes by its own volition?

Do you know that you’re safe, loved, trusted to be the best and only the best?

Do you also know that perhaps there’s no one better than you to do what you’re supposed to do?


181: Defining Normalcy

1 Jul

When we went to receive ma late last night, the first thing she did after hug me is scold me for coming all the way to receive her at the hour that we did. It was followed by a barrage of some more scoldings which invariably led me to snap at her. Of course she means well and is only perpetually concerned, which she expresses in the way she does. However, that ended up in a quick tiff, which I’ve come to accept as normal. I’ve come to learn that this is how the women in my family show love and concern. This; and via food.

I’m not going to be surprised if we have numerous more tiffs during this short visit of hers.


180: Final Friday

30 Jun

The finale of my holiday is here and how. Where my summer sped off to is beyond me – if summer can fly away i.e.

I’m back at work tomorrow, which is a cruel joke to play – who works on the weekend before their work begins?!

But the highlight, the silver lining of it all is that ma’s arriving tonight. I’m looking forward to spending time with her from whatever I can salvage. But no matter what, the idea of meeting ma makes up for everything else that seems ugly to my mind right now.

I hope you’re having a beautiful Friday and an even better EoW!

178: Bangalore, This Time

28 Jun

I’ve been wanting to do a look-back on my trip to Bangalore this summer because it’s been different than all the others I’ve had so far. What highlights my summary of it was the fact that it was restrained this time. Little did I scurry from place to place, desperately trying to grab on to opportunities for memories. Seldom did the idea of restaurant-hopping make itself dominant (unlike the other trips). It just didn’t really obsessively revolve around food even though I did manage to have all that I always go to Bangalore to have. This time I even added brownie points in the form of an Andhra meal, and crab ghee roast.

It was also a time when I decided to stay put at home and prioritise the concept of resting more than I would have, ordinarily. There was an active effort invested in saying no, staying in, letting go, even if that meant sitting with family and doing nothing over traipsing across town to meet and catch up with friends.

I also didn’t really have the energy to do as much. However, we did throw in the usual trips to Commercial street and the tailors. Ma and I made additional time to hop over to Cubbon Park (while it rained) – something we’ve never done in the longest time.

There’s something very calm, collected, and yes, restrained. There was no urgency, no hurriedness, no desperation. It felt ample in all that we did and chose not to do. It couldn’t have felt more perfect. :)