107: Under Water

17 Apr

I’m drinking a batch of detox water I made yesterday – my first ever – thinking about just how incredibly and totally unexpectedly bitter it has turned out to be. I thought I’d like it, enjoy it, even. But today seems to be themed around this concept of unexpectedness.

First there was this. Not that it’s a big deal, but its recency makes it feature here first.

Then there was today in its entirety – a storm. I mentioned the coming of this storm here, and so it has arrived in full force. A lot of me is thankful for not knowing where my day went, and how, too. I’ve never been a class teacher in my life, and today was my first day. I did have stressful dreams resulting in broken sleep about it, but nothing can really prepare you for any sense of reality, no matter how hard you prepare yourself. A part of me just let go and left it to the elements of this storm to either render me useless or stronger than before. I still haven’t gathered where I stand, but that I managed to make it through today, sure feels like an achievement.

This post may in retrospect seem funny, and even juvenile, but today was a day that’s been a while coming, and one that we were anticipating with its share of force and destruction. There was no time to sit, no time to stand, no time to catch a breath, and no time to give myself two minutes. Sometimes you need to not give a fuck because I reckon people like me give too much of it, unnecessarily at that. Hopefully this philosophy will work tomorrow, but for now, neither do I have the energy to stomach this drink, and neither do I have the inclination to open my books and study for the next day.

Given the circumstances I’m in, and all procrastination aside, a lot of my blogging has taken a hit as well. I’m going to try and not allow it to get to me just yet. Sometimes I find myself writing my thoughts on pieces of paper, sometimes on abandoned word documents, sometimes even on shuffling notes on my phone – only to try and compile them into a post when it’s time. It has been overwhelming, and it has resulted in me missing posting over here. However, I’m not accepting defeat till I’m certain I can’t see this challenge through. In my mind, it still does count that I wrote even if I didn’t log in here to write it out and publish it. But rationalizations aside, it’s something that gives me a sense of purpose and peace like nothing else has so far. Wish me luck, and air to breathe, will you? :)

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