68: Trying Sufficiently Hard

9 Mar

The past week has made me realise what kinda newbie I am, all over again. Sometimes I wish there was a team of newbies, so we were all new and in it together, and when I recall what it actually felt like to be a newbie in a newbie team of newbies sometime ago, I realise it’s time to experience something new. Either way, it wouldn’t have made a significant difference to be honest, because I am a loner. I find solace in my own company, and if that becomes too stale, I relax in the comfort of a cup of tea or coffee. Today it was a double coffee, to go, while I mulled over just how blah and banal I was feeling, in general. Maybe it’s the sneaky doing of a cloud that’s hovering annoyingly over my head; because this mood’s been prowling around me and spoiling my aura (for dramatic fx) for two days now. A lot of me wants to just sleep. A lot of me wants to just burst this stupid cloud and dispose off it immediately.

So, finding solace in the swirls of my bevvy has made me actually succumb to the fact that I am, in fact, not a sociable newbie. Actually, let’s make that not a sociable anything at all. But I’m trying, because I want to. Trying because while that cup of tea is helpful, it’ll only get me so far. Trying because I’ve hidden enough and more behind the safe labels of being more of an introvert than an extrovert. Also trying because if I don’t, no one else will.

The results have been noticeable as I make efforts to hold a comfortable, confident demeanour even though I might sometimes be breaking into an uncomfortable sweat within. It’s a new place, a new culture, a new environment, a new everything. It is, in fact, the first time I’ve ever really spoken to or interacted with people who do not live in Bangalore. Sometimes it’s intimidating, sometimes it’s easier than I imagined it to be. People are being overwhelmingly kind, which I’m grateful for. Perhaps they can see through this “strong” facade and realise just how much help I really need. Haha! There will be highs, there will be lows, and there will be everything we imagine and don’t imagine.

But I guess, that’s just a universal thing, and it’s not going to stop me from trying. Sufficiently hard enough.

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