13 September

13 Sep

Since we’ve moved, we’ve been more or less disconnected from the world at large. With an absent cable connection and no newspaper subscription yet, it’s a strange bubble we’re living in; one where news comes to us in the form of notification snippets that NDTV or BBC slip our way or when we switch on some news via the internet. It’s a rather unfamiliar feeling of knowing only broken pieces of an event or not knowing the event at all, sometimes. In the middle of all this, the Supreme Court gave Karnataka the verdict it didn’t really want to hear and has been fighting against receiving since before I was born probably. My city has shut down, I hear. It’s scary to imagine what’s going on without constantly being tuned in to the happenings of a very angry people fuelled by a very volatile mentality.

I really do believe that there are only so many prayers that can work; that logic is the need of the hour at most times and that these are also idealistic concepts, clearly. There’s nothing stronger than emotion, it seems, especially when it is communally driven. Of course there’s no question about the powerful political undertones that really have steered this to what it has become today. It all just feels like an endless fight that just goes around in a circle stuck in the same place, same time, same mentality. In times like these, I’m hoping for the very best. Maybe some biryani could help. Or maybe not. One can hardly ever tell, these days.

****

Yesterday made me realise in many small and big ways, that you’re required to sell a lot of yourself, for the lack of a better word, to move forward. We call that change or adapting. We call that bartering, give and take, creating new avenues for growth. Never have I felt so conflicted before. Apparently this sort of thing has been around forever; this you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours business. The concept of liberty, freedom of being what you want to be and putting to action all that you speak so openly about, is one that comes with many a terms and conditions; baggage that is too heavy to carry and too volatile to keep down. It is true. You want to stand out, you stand all alone. Except, that standing out isn’t a very welcome thought. As I enter newer paths that I’ve to walk on, it becomes clearer that my options to really be who I want to be, become fewer and far in between. You either fit in and become someone that you never thought you would be, or you find your voice (if at all) by going down fighting for it. There’s apparently no other way, or so I felt yesterday. It’s a damning world, this one.

****

Owing to all this that was doing the rounds in my head yesterday, today feels like I want to just stop and not take in anything; except maybe music. I’m not in the mood for conversations or people or much else. Of course this isn’t really going to help me get to where I want to go to, but sometimes shutting down helps. No words. No questions. No answers to give. The furore lashing in my mind and aimed directly at my sense of identity, or lack thereof, feels too tumultuous to even warrant anything. There’s no room for any kind of accommodation. There only seems to be white anger. And deep sadness. And a heightened sense of loss and loneliness. And so I began my day with music and writing and water. There is also a previously postponed plan to meet a friend which must be kept and seen through, today. Hopefully that may make it all better.

****

Going by how I’ve made it almost a rule and therefore imperative to find positivism wherever I can, I’m always trying to sponge off the little titbits of goodness that are around me. So, in the middle of all this friction yesterday, I lost my FaceTime virginity to a very dear friend. P called me last night to honour the long pending catch-up session we were to have; except she wanted to see my face. To be honest, I’m not a fan of anything face/video related when on a call; simply because it removes that extra barrier which talking over the phone gives you to hide behind. The only time I dove headfirst into Skype was for my Master’s dissertation interview and that was that. But when P called me yesterday and when I reached over to my phone only to see my face, my heart skipped a beat. But the joy in seeing her after years and chatting, laughing, and generally faffing around, was unparalleled. Maybe I need a longer initiation period, but I’m feeling more confident and ready to FT with whoever will be kind enough to FT back with me.

****

Speaking of goodness, girlfriends are a gift and it would be best to keep them closest to you. Really. They’re the antidote, the pretend boxing bag, the mirror, the magnifying glass, the jug of joy and all things good we always need. Also, they’re full of stories, love, and light. The good ones, i.e. In a world that is constantly getting smaller yet more distant, keeping a life private is difficult, yet achievable. I’d like to believe I’m a very private person, whose miserliness on parting with information is directly proportionate to whom it’s going to. We all are like that, I think. I don’t really have a person in Grey’s Anatomy’s context. But there’s the magnificent luxury of calling some, my own. And for now, that’s much more than I have asked for.

****

PS, she arrived just when I was finishing this post but before I could hit publish. She brought a sense of belonging, a stash of memories, a feeling of normalcy, and a book for me, with her. Really, I couldn’t have asked for more.

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4 Responses to “13 September”

  1. Priyanka September 13, 2016 at 6:19 PM #

    I can sooo relate to this especially the 3rd and the 5th para (Yes..I’m making you count now ;) <3

    • Babushka September 13, 2016 at 6:25 PM #

      Hahaha *scurries away to count*

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