Lost and Found

11 May

I swear I had the title, and consequently the post, all done and sorted in my mind just a minute ago. I’m trying not to be over enthusiastic about writing over here because one post a day, while awesome, is already too hard for me to maintain or stick by, so why bother with two or three or even four huh? Clearly my mind agrees because the moment I ran back to my laptop and got to this page, it was like I never even had this epiphany at all in the first place. Ugh!

Anyway, while I was sipping on my filter coffee which I treated myself to forced down my throat for memory’s sake – because just the thought of coffee and a hot one at that, in this weather especially, is dehydrating enough – I realised I wanted to write again… But before that, I was distracted by Susie and her ways. It turns out she’s possessive…of what exactly, I’m still to learn about. She growled and became a fang exhibitionist to Potato; who by the way, my husband thinks is a John; as he was approaching my gate (Susie was beside my gate already and I had no food treats in my possession to warrant such a response from her). I’d be overshooting it if I thought she were already possessive of me even though she does seem to like me and insists I play with her (she squealed and pawed me a couple of times for that ear/belly rub today)… Yay for sisterhood, if it is that, and lmao at how female responses are so similar across species, eh? Either way, I backed off and decided to enjoy my desi joe before said post epiphany started weaving its tempting web on my mind… Susie is capable of handling John, and John, Susie.

It was also during the time of my filter coffee drinking that I realised what I want and don’t want to do. I guess it’s that post where I seek the assistance of bullet points, a-gain! A lot of it’s pretty obvious anyway, but spelling it out seems to be my need of the hour apparently.

  • I want to be able to earn my own money again, and soon.
  • I don’t want to have to wait so long to be able to do it, damnit!

 

  • I want to do something that makes my life more worthwhile and my abilities more validated.
  • I don’t want to have to settle for bran when what I want is that golden wheat, damnnit!

 

  • I want to be able to make a good, healthy, fresh batch of curd (my first attempt resulted in some gooey by-product which tastes and smells like curd but which I know is a sneaky mutation of the product I desire).
  • I don’t want a sneaky mutation to think it can take the place of curd, damnit!

 

  • I want to be able to have clear, attainable and rewarding life goals.
  • I don’t want to continue thinking that life goals can be made on a whim and can be achieved in no time, damnit!

 

  • I want to understand, like really understand, that everything which comes my way needn’t be the it or the stepping stone to the it I’m looking for…they could be stepping stones, just not for me.
  • I don’t want to stop believing that what I really want and need, which will reward me with a sense of not just achievement but purpose as well, is out there.

 

  • I want to be able to write a complete sentence without swearing/cussing.
  • I don’t want to have every sentence stamped with the word ‘damnit’ in it, damnit!

Sigh.

My list a healthy balance of ‘yes, life goals’ and ‘whaaaaa, what are you talking about?’, no?

I came here with a conviction about what I wanted and didn’t want. As confused and aimless as I am and come across to be, there are times and instances when I’ve never been more sure of myself and my choices. Heck, I got married. It doesn’t really get bigger than that for me, at this juncture. It takes great self-faith and courage to stand up for yourself, even when every single speck inside you and the world outside asks you questions that even you have no sure shot answers to. Fighting societal expectations and norms is beyond hard, especially when emotions get attached to them. Saying no to jobs or places or people is never easy especially when you’re limited by the options you have. But practising not to settle for anything that you really truly believe is not for you, is a tough habit to acknowledge and inculcate.

Sometimes you need to hang by a prayer, a wish, or a good thought at best, before you decide to let go and hopefully fall on the stepping stone you were waiting for.

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3 Responses to “Lost and Found”

  1. banteringbangalorean May 12, 2016 at 12:55 AM #

    Yaaruh, have you realized you love to call pets by food names? Cutlet, now Potato…. :) Two of your loves (animals and food) intermingled i see. :)

    • Babushka May 12, 2016 at 7:37 AM #

      Oooh! Yup, now that you mentioned it.. There were Pickles and Poppins (Fuzz and Cutlet’s kids) and there was Momo – a pup we tried to adopt, but couldn’t. :)

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