Here, There And Everywhere

11 May

I’m quite certain that at least some aspects or parts of the education we receive, stick on by, especially when one feels as lost and at sea as does happen to all of us from time to time…that when the time comes, we activate and put to use our capacities and apply the many lessons we’ve learnt, from life and its incidents or from theories (as some part of this post will elucidate) or from whatever else it is that teaches us the multitude of things we learn every single day. That’s the hope, at least.

It’s not rare for me to turn to my subject of interest and academic choice to help understand and answer the circumstance and questions that arise when they do. Psychology has, and always will be more than just a textbook subject to me given how much I love it and how much sense it makes to me; but not over and above the absolute fact that it allows me to help apply it to my life on a daily basis. On one hand it sort of sucks to be aware of the motive behind a particular behaviour or action displayed by xyz, thereby automatically changing your own response to the situation, as annoying and different from a regular response it becomes. However, the satisfaction in knowing and being equipped with the faculties to dissect a situation takes the cake, if you ask me. By saying this, I, in no way imply that all students of psychology are mind readers or that all psychologists are sane/perceptive or even understanding, for that matter. The takeaway here is the idea that we are constantly learning and that what we learn (usually) aides us when we feel like we know nothing at all.

And so, for me, I’ve always found great meaning and depth in the classical theories of psychology, especially the psycho-analytic/dynamic and psychosocial set of them. To me, the principles of development spoken widely about by Erik Erikson hit the spot at so many levels; and therefore it is no surprise that I turn to this theory when I have innumerable questions about my life, my purpose and most importantly, my identity. There are theories by the plentiful, but this simple one somehow stayed back and perhaps that’s why they’re classified under the umbrella of classical theories. And going by Erikson’s theory, I’m clearly STILL at stage adolescence, in some sort of warped psychosocial moratorium (a break from my responsibilities, very simply), if I may diagnose myself so.

There are so many days when I feel stuck, inert, clueless, aimless and just wedged in some sort of sticky haze that I cannot see past. The opacity of this screen that shrouds every possible opportunity to find light and move forward is beyond believable. It’s at times like these when I turn back to these theories and wonder where I’m stuck at or what conflict lies unresolved in order for me to take a step ahead. I distinctly remember sitting in class, engrossed in these theories as lectures glided past us, bell after bell. And I remember acknowledging just how much sense they made. It’s not like I have the answers or like it’s all spelled out, even. But the hope that it’s not new and that I’m not the only one makes half the challenge easier to conquer.

I’m at a point where I’m caught in a conflict between saying no because I want to and saying yes because I have to at the cost of mental peace and guiltlessness. This is primarily because I’ve no certain idea about what I really want or what I think my purpose here is. The struggle’s real and a constant one at that…

To not know where I stand or what my standing really even is… to be clueless about my whatnext or my wherenow… to be shrouded in one’s own whatifs and thenwhats… to look at the mirror and not know who’s looking back… to retrospect and realize that clues to the future still lay camouflaged… to basically not know where one’s going is a blindfold game that’s beyond stressful and discouraging. It almost feels like I’m swimming against a powerful current that takes me back to square one all over again.

Don’t get me wrong, my life or my surroundings are not this bleak or threatening; it’s just that when the ‘what am I here for’ wave comes my way, I almost always find myself washed back ashore with the sign ‘a ship in a harbour is safe, but that’t not what ships are built for’ flashing right in front of my face.

Ugh.

Identity crises are just the worst, aren’t they?

*shirks responsibility and grabs some ice cream*

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5 Responses to “Here, There And Everywhere”

  1. brigetteanuguid May 11, 2016 at 10:39 AM #

    this is really worth reading 🙈

  2. sandhyakml May 11, 2016 at 3:47 PM #

    I relate to this like…I can’t even explain to you. *hugs*
    Must get some ice cream too. Haha :)

    • Babushka May 11, 2016 at 4:25 PM #

      Haha! I scream, you scream, let’s all scream and have ice cream.
      Okay then! 😂

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