So Far

9 May

Seldom is my conscience forgiving or even kind to me on my rather long (and unnecessary) absences from my blog. This sheer lack of discipline time and again makes me feel silly and completely incapable of achieving even the simplest of goals – after all, how hard is it regulate the one thing I love doing into what can only be called a good habit? Maybe it’s the hot weather which makes everything feel so sluggish and energy-consuming or maybe it’s my expert ability at making excuses…who knows when we’ve stooped so far below our own set standards, right? Either way, poking jibes at my already bruised conscience, while annoying but totally unhelpful, seems to make my Superego (happy belated birthday, Mr. Freud!) feel a little more in control and a little better about itself for reasons best left an enigma. Therefore on a day like today, when my thoughts are colliding into each other because my head feels rather full and (very) tired of them, here’s how I’m choosing to spew them out today…spew because my mind feels particularly vengeful about renting these thoughts space for longer than they should’ve stayed in the first place.

  • I’ve no idea why exactly, but I’m back on Facebook. And nothing seems to have changed except that it still feels too noisy for me to be enthusiastic about my return…which makes me feel happy in a way. I’m not sure for how long I’ll stick around it though, especially since nothing really has changed on this forum or in the posts that spam my feed.
  • Given yesterday was Mother’s Day, it was just a matter of time before every single online space was flooded with this sudden outburst of expressions of love and gratitude. Frankly speaking and at the cost of so many brickbats falling my way, I found it rather sickening. I think we will truly ever respect and love a parent when we either are one or when we attempt to become more self-aware about just how much we bestow on them, daily; whichever happens first. To me, it’s like saying thank you, I love you for all the crap we put you through, but hey, you’re my parent and it’s your duty, so here, take some more of my crap starting 00:01 hours after Mother’s Day. It’s rather shameful if you ask me, because you’ll only ever really be thankful when you’re really in the shoes they wear. It just all sounds too patronizing and commercial to me; something which no mother ever wants or needs, really. I’m thinking a clean, sane house with loads of peace would be on top of her list…very far removed from shallow words and fancy flowers or lunches even. As opinionated as this sounds, I can’t help but believe in this and say it over and over again, actually.
  • There’s a newfound respect for Kangana Ranaut who has come so far from when we first saw her and still didn’t know or care to know about her. She’s what a self-assured woman who hasn’t got it all but doesn’t give a shit, looks like. It really is so heartening to see a real life example of these million existential quotes our feeds are jammed with on every single day – someone who is alone yet not lonely, someone who has arrived but has such a long way to go, someone who doesn’t live a reel life in reality and someone who is far from following the herd even if that means taken the road not taken. I love how real she comes across to be which is such a breath of fresh air from the lives of stars we see around us and are somehow fascinated by. But most importantly, I love how faithful and loyal she is to her own self…it really isn’t easy but she seems to do it with great ease and with a history of struggles she neither patronizes nor glorifies, but uses as stepping stones to what lies ahead.
  • The husband and I ended up watching Jungle Book this weekend and while the story feels more grown up than its original, the fact that no rendition will ever match up to the original, stands true; come technology, SFX or whatever else it is that wows audiences today. This one is not a patch on the one we grew up watching.
  • I’ve befriended two dogs in my area and now they sit by my house which makes me feel beyond happy. It’s also very heart-warming to know that my first friends in my neighbourhood were animals and not humans. I call one Potato and the other Susie. Potato is aggressive and is a healthy but lazy canine while Susie has the kindest eyes and is always welcoming of a belly rub (which I haven’t ventured into giving her). I’m taking my time with these two because while Susie is gentler (also what prompted me to call her that), Potato is moody and takes a longer time to show signs of affection, despite the regular egg and meat treats that greet him especially.
  • There are an unusual number of drafts in my folder, all hanging mid-air for reasons one two many. From travelogues to random musings, from food reviews to blatant bantering, there seem to suddenly be too many for my own liking. Perhaps it’s time to set goals and tick them off one at a time…perhaps the key lies in being a little more stern and organised. Who knows?
  • The heat here is unforgiving, as are the dust storms. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether we live on a Rajasthani desert or in a cosmopolitan (haha!) city. Everyone is tired and everyone is sluggish – even the erstwhile restless reptiles who relentlessly find cooler spots to go get stuck in till the heat wave slips away for the day.
  • My neighbourhood, apart from housing many a variety of birds to thousands of stupefied pigeons, also is home to quite a few peacocks who are suddenly resplendent in their new, shiny avatars complete with their royal colours and feathers. Their conferences across roofs and trees makes me feel like I live in a jungle, which is a great feeling, till I open my eyes; sometimes in relief and sometimes in disappointment.

Apart from trying to get some more routine into my life by way of making goals and check-lists, writing here makes me feel more complete and productive as well. There are a string of things to do and complete; chores which have long shot past their due date, which I’ve still left untouched. It’s no wonder that sanity is a hard facet to come by these days, what with so much unfinished business everywhere. Hopefully some order and discipline should help; but in the mean time, there’s a long list of things that just seems too overbearing to even confront.

On a more positive note, I tried my hand (yet again) at making biryani. While the outcome had bags of flavour and looked pretty darn decent, both the husband and I thought it felt more like a chicken pulao of sorts than a biryani. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want it to be overly rich or dripping with oil/ghee which made it a tad bit drier than how a biryani is or maybe some people aren’t cut out to make one which perhaps answers why this second attempt also wasn’t as I wanted it to be. But that’s a battle for another time.

Advertisements

Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s