Today’s Musings

7 Apr

I woke up to a tranquil 20 degree, windy morning today. The sun has begun to appear much earlier than its erstwhile comfortable (give or take) 7:45 am winter slot; now dawning upon us at a crisp 6:15 am, or earlier. Of course I’ve no idea when daybreak really happens because left up to me and my sloth, I’m not an early riser by routine or by desire. Far from, actually. It’s just that summer has arrived sooner than we expected or even wanted, making the slender fingers of dawn reach out to us with a greater sense of urgency, unless one wishes to wake up feeling like they slept through half the day, even if it’s just 8:30am on the clock. Summer early mornings, especially in places with extreme temperatures, are a treat. They are peaceful, chirpy, alive, active, colourful, soothing…till the gripping white sheet of heat takes over and paralyses everything in its grasp into stillness. It’s no wonder summer mornings call out to each of us, coaxing us to come alive, leaving our lazy winter hibernation ways behind.

Today was one of those mornings where I (with the power of magic) rose before it was too late. There is something special about swaying trees beginning their day with a dance and song, with birds and squirrels basking in the peace of dawn simultaneously getting all their work done – eating, pecking, fluffing themselves up, scurrying – just being idle and busy at the same time. It was only natural to share my first cup of tea out in the open with them. Small joys, special privileges…all of us have them, that’s for sure.

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It already feels like half the day’s over and gone, what with so much already done with. Armed with my mug of filter coffee, which now feels too hot and heavy to drink thanks to the heat, and my two toasts, my day feels like it has a sense of purpose. It feels more productive, especially when you get a lot done in such short amounts of time, minus any distractions. I’m not promoting early mornings given that this is a live and let live space. But since I’ve spent the last four years of my professional life waking up way before the sun at a gloomy 5am, thanks to my work requirements, rising early out of the blue doesn’t feel as alien or harsh as it can be to a non-early riser. It took some effort but felt easier with time. Of course not every day was easy, not when it was raining outside or when you’d had a late evening the night before. But it was a part of my routine – to get so much done by 8am – right from waking up (it is a task!!) to exercising to showering to getting to work – all done…it always left me feeling extremely accomplished on the routine front. If there wasn’t a sense of routine and compulsion, I would never really engage in that sort of cruelty.

I’ve been procrastinating on a lot of stuff and (very unsurprisingly) I feel like I haven’t dilly-dallied enough. I’m great at that sort of stuff without even trying too hard. However, it is a different story when panic sets in and the pressure starts to build. Being a creature of habit, especially when it is more enforced and less voluntary, seems to work for me. I’m certain that everything which needed my attention and its consequent completion would’ve long happened had there been a set timeline, a goal. It’s not like timelines and goals help much on the procrastination front though. Despite trying very hard to instill some sort of order into my life (because it is so easy to have no rules and let laziness take over), there is so much that needs to be done because I’m stuck in some sort of horrid limbo, as if I’m walking on a silly treadmill, going absolutely nowhere.

Speaking of which, distractions are too many. Even though I’m not on Facebook and hardly check Twitter or ever switch the television on during the day or even take an afternoon nap, I’ve no idea what distracts me from doing what must be done. I haven’t finished a single book in a long time which would be a very valid reason for keeping my other work at bay, but since it isn’t that, I really need to fish this distraction out and throw it far away.

I’m leaning towards the conviction that my thoughts and habit of overthinking are the main culprits.

Nevertheless, when all feels incomplete and when I feel unproductive and inadequate, I coincidentally come across these various signs that tell me the things I need to hear; words from someone other than me that come and tell me to slow my mind down. Maybe being too hard on myself is a way I punish myself for being at home all day…to haul my sense of self out and give it beating just because I do not sit inside an office and waste my life away. This sort of unlearning is so hard to do…the unlearning of what validates and what defines us…the relearning of giving time its place and giving patience a chance. I am trying.

When it all feels very gloomy, impossible and grey, I turn to things that calm me down and make me feel very normal once again. It was sometime back when I came across Molly and her Doodles…they are most inspirational and motivating. When I least expect it, they appear and seem to say the exact thing I need to see, read, hear. Here’s one that I’m posting now because it speaks to me and keeps reminding me to follow suite.

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I always dream of doing something like this – stuff that materializes from outcomes of our everyday life and living; stuff that makes you feel fulfilled, complete, and most importantly, giving. Something that makes me feel like a bigger person, living her life and taking each hand she’s been dealt, with confidence and faith.

Maybe if I rein in and hold the ropes of procrastination tighter, this could be a reality. Someday.

Learning: Why is collapse/failure/nothingness so debilitating instead of being healing and strengthening? When did we allow change to make us fearful instead of free?

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One Response to “Today’s Musings”

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  1. The One On Validation | Babska's Journey - June 7, 2016

    […] look at to feel like I was doing something. I remember writing about validation here, here, here, here, here, here, and here way back in 2011! Talk about wanting and needing to feel […]

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