Trying

8 Jan

Sometimes it’s harder than I’ve allowed myself to experience newness before; yes, sometimes it really is very arduous – of the type that can even make you feel incapable and robbed of triumph, a breath of fresh air and achievement. Why, don’t we all sustain ourselves on a constant need to feel validated; of value to something, someone and most importantly, to our own selves and sense of purpose? It’s hard when the source of that constancy dwindles or hurriedly exchanges hands with the unfamiliar, untouched and inexperienced. It’s a blank slate all over again and sometimes, if you allow the trap to engulf you, it can feel debilitating to watch your efforts erase themselves by default right in front of your eyes. Just because you made a choice.

I never knew the weight of choices before or that they could exist in such depth. Yes, I was taught to be accountable for my decisions and so I’ve grown up to be. But here’s a new bag I see with my name tag on it; one that I assume is for me to carry; laden with the intensity of every choice I’ve made and am now making. Of course we all know that these bags are as heavy as we allow them to be for each of us…a weight we either yield to or one that we carry with a strength that makes it almost invisible. I haven’t really figured this bag out yet and perhaps Time will grant me my appointment to this class I’ve a lot to learn in.

We leave so much up to Time; almost with a sense of deep and sometimes desperate faith to smooth the rough edges out…like that much sought-after escape route to lead us into a space that’s lighter, brighter and more fragrant with belief, security and hope. Time – he makes no promises except to show up, and yet that’s all the comfort we need; in knowing that he’ll arrive even though he never stops or stays.

My bags are by my side and I have arrived somewhere, except that my feet are at a place they’ve never stepped into before. Time, why won’t you stay a while longer and show me the way?

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2 Responses to “Trying”

  1. sandhyakml January 10, 2016 at 7:56 PM #

    <3

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The One On Validation | Babska's Journey - June 7, 2016

    […] like I was doing something. I remember writing about validation here, here, here, here, here, here, and here way back in 2011! Talk about wanting and needing to feel […]

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