Homesick

24 Dec

I haven’t felt like I did today, in a very long time. It’s the type of feeling that keeps you in bed way longer than you’re used to and would like to and neither was there any inkling to get up and fight the dastardly state of being. However, despite being very well equipped with the ‘sleep headache’, the only thing today that motivated me to get me moving was that the sun was finally out. It’s a feeling I cannot explain, a happiness and energy I cannot describe – to see the sun out and about, as usual, but with a sense of newness every single day.

With all the madness, havoc and chaos having settled, the realisation of having left home is now making itself quite evident. It’s not a very nice feeling, of course. Your entire sense of home is built solely on the basis of one factor and one factor alone – comfort – and when that’s challenged, it gets a little tricky to handle oneself with the grace one imagined to have. But today has not been very graceful and neither do I want to care. Today is a day when I want to just do nothing, leave everything as it is around me and just do zilch. But the itch to have things in a set way and to keep the house clean at the very basic level is more than I can bear to ignore.

I am slowly beginning to understand why wives and mothers are the way they are and how when they mean they only want a clean and peaceful home, they really only mean just that, no matter how insane we all might think that wish to be. The magnitude of it opens its curtains to me now. It’s a struggle and yes, while the balance of compromise is tricky and almost scheming in a way, it’s taking time to master the game.

There are times when I’ve never felt so lost (like today) and then there are times when it seems like everything is under control. Of late it has been the former and the want to combat is present but not incapacitating enough for me to fight it yet. The trap of comfort disguised in wanting to do nothing and leaving everything in the state that it is in is scary, and today I stepped into it, consciously though.

My mind is not here because it is at home; the home my mother keeps so effortlessly (though now I know better than to use that term with as much ease as I just did); in the spaces that are filled with light, warmth, love and certainly not loneliness. The trap is working its grip well but I’ll let it be for today, because the thought and feeling of being at home is too valuable to let go of and fight. Not today.

But like I’ve said earlier on in my posts, you exhaust a paramount effort in making your new spaces feel just like home almost automatically. I guess the heartache of being so far removed from this comfort gears you into action blindly and with so much urgency, whether it’s in the big or small things.

As opposed to listing the small things I’m doing to make this space as much as I remember the nuances of home to be, here’s a small step I took that gave me an instant lift yesterday, especially when I needed it the most.

image

image

image

They’re a sure source of what defines love, gentility, peace and beauty that I’m turning to. It feels marvellous to have them at home and they give me a purpose to be more watchful, caring and less negligent, especially when days like today announce themselves at my doorstep.

IMG_8599

Add the aroma of freshly brewed coffee to the mix and it’s a little more magical. I haven’t been able to get my hands on filter coffee yet, but this comes close and I’m embracing it with a need and want that I never knew existed before.

Staying away from home is not easy at all and I think the magnitude of just how much I miss everything that spells home is yet to hit me. However, through the loneliness and emptiness of this feeling, there come small things, memories and long-set associations that find themselves approaching you with a magnetic sense of understanding, love and care that brings you closer home.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Homesick”

  1. Divya December 26, 2015 at 1:03 PM #

    Here is sending you some more warmth to make you feet at home. =)

    • Babushka December 29, 2015 at 4:38 PM #

      Thank you many muches, Divya. :)

Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s