The Dark Side

18 Aug

There are days when your spirit, your willpower, your positivism and everything else that makes you feel invincible against the darker forces of an idle and cynical mind surround you in this safe, positive, indestructible haven. It’s that time when you feel absolutely untouchable in a powerful, god-like way. You feel like you can actually step right out of your zone and conquer the world, stretch those long folded wings and fly wherever the hell you really wish to fly to. It all seems possible. Even for us cynics, yes. Isn’t that just the.best.feeling.ever? I envy positive people because I presume they see the world like this all.the.time. Nothing is insurmountable, no one is too extraordinary and impossible to emulate should you be one to go by others’ standards, and life looks totally livable; roses and all. I’m sure optimists have roses and rainbows and achievable goals.

So being a self-proclaimed cynic makes feeling positive an alien concept a lot of the times. It’s not about being self-loathing or low on self-esteem as it were. They’re not really connected, I think. However, I see more instances of forecasting the absolute worst just so you feel you’re a step ahead and in control instead of just being able to let go and genuinely feel happy for your own self. It’s not that cynics don’t feel happy. It’s just that I guess we do not know how to feel happy should our worst fears come true and that happiness be taken away from us before we open those doors and let the magic in.

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As usual, I come across these when the moment seems just perfect. Call it selective perception if you may. However, this happened to come my way because I’m trying to walk on to the darker side – the happier side. There is no doubt about the amount of happiness there is all around and the sheer number of stimuli just waiting to trigger bouts of happiness at the slightest approach. It seems all too much of a waste to watch it all wither away once the moment is lost very well knowing you chose to sit in your scared corner not having experienced happiness at all.

It’s like that saying of holding on to grains of sand so hard that they eventually escape your grasp. That’s the same concept I’m talking about here; it’s astounding how we’ve become so afraid to let go and just live, fall, get hurt and heal. Apply the same to relationships and just why we’re so wary of opening those gates to what lies inside. I wonder what part of this generational spoke has us by our collar so bad that we’re losing, if we haven’t already lost the ability to live free and with the same amount of abandon as the posts we splash all over social media about life and its experiences. And I digress, but it looks like we now live our life vicariously through these rather magnanimous, if I may, posts we produce with great diligence. Magnanimous because suddenly real experiences of life now equate a rather exotic solo travel or a hot air balloon ride or even a trip abroad, at that. Whatever happened to regular, small, meaningful moments which also do contribute to life just as much, if not more? Of course I use the term exotic not to denote extravagance in any way.

That is another post to ponder over for later. While on the topic of happiness, actually being able to experience the feeling for what it is without the worry of it vanishing is something I’ve to deal with too. Being cynical about everything comes at such huge costs, not to forget the price you end up paying for being just so stupid, really. It’s needless to say that this goes hand-in-hand with the absolute inability to not overthink every single thing. Overthinking + aroused fears = a perfect combination for a cynic. Of course we’re so caught up in feeling cynical that whatever happy moments do come our way are lost or misread into being something we do not deserve.

And isn’t that the most dangerous thing; to believe you don’t deserve happiness? Things to think, and not overthink about, because our happy moments are always right in front of us. Always. Hopefully we’ll be able to tell ourselves that we’re just as deserving; that exhibiting and celebrating happiness has nothing to do with selfishness.

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I’ll let this speak for itself.

Let’s hop over to the dark side, cynics!

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