Reminders-2

17 Jul

There are times when you have no idea what to write about.

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I suspect it’s because of this image and the fact that it’s is truer than absolute honesty in itself. You can nod your head a 100 times in agreement and still feel like you could agree some more to just how apt it is, isn’t it?

Most often it feels like you’re stuck standing in one place while the world moves around you at its dizzying, life-moves-on pace where everything else feels like a blur. Sometimes you picture yourself clearly and in focus, and sometimes nothing seems visible no matter how hard you try. All you know is that the world moves on, life goes on as it always has been and while you stand and take a breath/break, you essentially need to continue walking too. Sometimes my mind feels exactly the same way about writing too. You see moments, thoughts and experiences whiz by you; all bursting with so much potential while you just stood there, letting them all loose and free. It’s okay I reckon. Not everything needs to be captured into definitive or ornate identities in the form of words just so you have something to write about. It’s one of those challenges of blogging because you frequently find yourself making mental notes about things to write about, but let them go instead. Oh well. I’m at peace with the fact that they’re writing my book, somewhere.

Flippant as my state of mind feels like, I’m trying to use this long weekend to just be. When your thoughts, checklists and emotions hold you by your collar, it makes best sense to show them all the finger and turn towards something more zen-like. To let go and know that things are bound to get fucked up because they are not entirely in your control and therefore will not go the way you envisioned them to, is something my friend told me just a couple of days ago. Make your peace with the fact that things will not go entirely as you planned and that you will, in very high probability, find being around most people (family included), intolerable; are words of wisdom that have been imparted to me. Here’s why I was told all of this.

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I’m getting married. Not now. Not tomorrow. But in a few months, yes. :) So all good and great and amazing things aside, it is stressful. Especially when you’re anal about things going a certain way and know well that they won’t because whose wedding was ever just theirs alone? A wedding is hardly ever the couple’s. It’s difficult, it’s tough and while it is that one time you wish the universe gave you more patience than you were bestowed with, it’s the time you want to shut your ears and eyes and thoughts to more people than you imagined.

In the midst of all this; office and wedding work aside, the escapist in me is trying to find nooks and crannies she can escape into and not be found. It all comes down to the act of letting go and not giving a fuck. You wear your blinkers and keep walking, or running. And make peace with the fact that things will not go as you want them to; that people you don’t want around will definitely be there, smiling in your face; that making lists can only take you so far because guess what? it’s not in your hands; that you just need to shut up and sit pretty and “enjoy” it all. Well, like I said earlier, sometimes it’s very hard to keep a straight face, a calm mind and not give the world your finger and a bad word or two. This is needless to say that of course you cannot do this alone and that one comes this far not in isolation or without help. It is important to acknowledge your foundation, your backbones, your rocks, your support systems and be grateful. And while I am, unconditionally so (because I have weird enmeshment issues with my family), I find myself struggling to find a balance between doing as I wish and following the “norm” without feeling at sea and fighting so hard to come back up for breaths of air. It is stifling.

So here’s a list of things I’ve got that will hopefully act as constant reminders to becoming a more calm and collected self. Not just for now, but for many more moons to come.

  • You don’t need to like everybody or please everybody, even if they are family. When it comes to family, and if you are particularly close-knit, it’s important to understand that you have moments when you cannot possibly stand the sight of someone. Heck, there are people who cannot tolerate the sight or talk of me as we speak. Who gives a fuck? If you do, then okay. But be prepared to be disappointed.
  • Talking about disappointment, it only goes as far as you allow it to. If someone you value and treasure, disappoints you, you have the choice to either pity them on their immaturity or review your expectations of them and move forward. If they are immature, it’s makes best sense to work on your expectations so you can move on without feeling like a loser every time they decide to be immature. And understand that they’re either messed up or are going through tough times or that they aren’t good enough to be on your top list. But before you point that finger, ask yourself if you did something to make them behave funnily.
  • It’s okay to rework relationships. The image of familial and friend relationships are idealistic most often. It’s best to get working on them and make them more real so you don’t fall flat on your face. Not all family will act like family. Not all friends will act like friends. You’ll be surprised by just how terrible and amazing some family members and friends can make you feel.
  • Consequently, relationships change. However obvious it is, it’s something some of us often forget/are in denial about.
  • Set boundaries for yourself and leave those doors and windows open. It’s easier to see who should get in and who you can kick out. Your inner space isn’t for free or to be exploited.

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  • Give your mind the confidence of your heart and your heart the power of your mind.
  • If you must set expectations, set them for yourself alone and realistic ones, at that.
  • Give love a chance and willpower the front seat.
  • Deal with today, today. Keep tomorrow for tomorrow. If you cannot, it’s okay to breach boundaries sometimes, I presume.
  • Believe that you can because if you didn’t want to, you wouldn’t.
  • You’re strong not because some stupid existential FB quote told you so but because you just are. Period.
  • Talking about FB quotes, fuck them. Jesus Christ do they make you feel up, down, lonely, alone, joyous, down-trodden, pathetic, incapable and confused most definitely. Fuck you, you random FB quotes. If you want quotes, find them in your experiences and not in the words of some random person who has the money to leave it all to travel forever and still manage to live life king-sized. So really, Babska, you don’t need that crap.
  • Also, if you do need doses of crap from time to time, tell yourself that you don’t.
  • That reminds me; always be random, brew magic wherever you can and sprinkle it whenever you can. Because God, does this world need it. And a little or a lot of magic would never harm.

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And if you ever think it’s getting too much, remember that it’s okay to let the reins go. The world, like we know, keeps going on. The wave’s got you and you will float along till you start swimming again. Because, to very simply put it, you’re never alone.

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