The Real Deal

18 Mar

In-keeping with the desire to tackle challenges changes bring about, I’m beginning to recognise the importance of staying with a feeling that may come about your way; expected or unexpected, wanted or unwanted, conscious or subconscious. I’m an overthinker. I’d like to believe that I lean towards the intellectual spectrum of things. Like Bill Cosby so rightly says, intellectuals learn and/or think about things normal people do naturally. I felt like he was talking to me, and perhaps, pointing a finger at me and laughing while doing so. It’s so true. We overthink things that really do not need thinking. Of course, I doubt I’d ever be able to stop overthinking, unless of course, life keeps me that busy where I have no time to breathe, which could be both amazing and a tad much to ask for in substitution for (over) thinking. :P

Getting back to my point, both on the overthinking and intellectualizing bit, we’ve lost track or trace of something so much more basal, and carnal, if I may say so – emotions and feelings. They’re almost always clouded by thoughts we use to cloak them as and when we please. There hasn’t been any stopping ever since we learned to do that ever so naturally. If you’re an overthinker like me, or an intellectualizer, you know exactly what I’m talking about. How many times have we stayed with that raw feeling and let it consume us, no matter how negative or positive? How many times have we let it make us feel the way it’s meant to make us feel and leave us, consequently? I’m more of a person who dresses my feelings with my thoughts and then goes and shuts them up in her cupboard (or pressure cooker, as they commonly refer to it in this context). So neither do I reward myself with feeling the feeling I should be feeling or let it go when it’s supposed to be gone. What a twisted way of living. Really. I doubt this bodes well for me. But I’m aware of this stupidity I throw all around and really do hope to take baby steps towards the place I want to go to.

And so I have been doing for sometime now. I’ve stopped fighting my feelings. I’ve tried keeping my ego at bay and just letting my feelings take over. It’s been good. It’s been liberating. It’s been quite the experience. I feel lighter. Sometimes I feel like a complete idiot because when those same emotions get too strong to handle (thanks to all the hoarding), things do get out of control. But I’m not fighting that. I’m not putting up fences. I’m letting them go because I need to. It’s been interesting. I don’t know if I can say the same thing about those who’re in the presence of these rather intense and volatile emotions. But, needless to say, this doesn’t give me or anyone else an excuse to be nasty or irresponsible or even become passive/aggressive/a pushover. We’re looking at emotions and letting them take a free ride, not losing one’s sense of self and identity. Have you done that anytime? Were there any positive results? Or was it just a futile effort?

I don’t intend to do a Pablo Neruda where I write the saddest lines today evening. I don’t think I have any sadness in me at this very moment. I think I’m in love with the concept of something so strange that is as ignited pure emotions in me minus a single thought. It took the thinker in me completely by surprise, but I saw that coming sometime. If you’re all thought and no feeling, it’s a sad place to be in.

So yes, I’m in love. With what, I cannot say. I don’t know if it’s the actuality of it or the idea of it or if it’s just some random hallucination that’s made me feel so strongly in such a long time. Of course, the circumstances are such that it will always remain just this and I’ve grown to be okay with it over time. At first I fought the feelings as soon as I became aware of them catching fire. I tried putting them out so hard and I did succeed to a great extent. But that’s about it. Sometimes you’re just meant to feel all of what’s left to feel before you move on. Sometimes there really is no fighting it. You have to go through it to get past it. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m past it. But I’m here, still talking about it because for the first time in my entire life, I’ve felt emotions so strongly without my thoughts taking precedence. For the first time, post all the fighting, I’m past all thoughts, left with those embers that were born to keep me warm, still alive and burning steady. Why would embers born to keep you warm ever die before their time arrived? And for once, the outcome of letting these feeling loose isn’t even a threat.

And that fact really, actually, left me stumped in every sense of the word. It’s true when they say you don’t know what you hit you when you weren’t looking. Because I’m sure I was more than just guarded. For those of you who know me, know that I’m a walking-talking castle built with the tallest walls. People may call that snobbery, but really, let’s get past that. I don’t think you can be a snob with people you don’t know. It’s just the idea of making unnecessary small talk with strangers that’s unappealing. If that’s the definition of snobbery, then so be it. Sour grapes. Sorry for the digression.

To be stumped by pure, raw emotions and feelings without the invisibility cloak (hehehe) of thoughts is such a beautiful feeling. It’s so liberating, so refreshing, so untouched and not jaded. It’s invigorating. It’s that breath of so, so much fresh air we need. It’s that moment when you realize you’re breathing in the real deal minus any help, any support, any contraption. If you fall, you only get up knowing you breathed the stuff to give your book of life that page it needed. It’s truly something to let go to. It’s taken so much letting go, unlearning, trust and faith to get here. And sometimes, when it’s that good, you feel like it’s something you’ve been doing all your life; something that you were born to do over and over again.

The beauty of it is that we were, indeed, born to do exactly this. And the last thing you ever feel is incapable or handicapped. :)

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Picture courtesy: RAD :)

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