Mirages, Walls and Magic

1 Mar

It’s now that I’ve got some time to myself this beautiful, beautiful mid-spring-almost-summer Saturday evening to write all that’s bursting from within me. I wouldn’t say I had the best Friday at work yesterday. One normally looks forward to Fridays, not necessarily because one hates their job, but because Fridays are days that were born to be loved. And Saturdays. I did too. I always keep my Friday in line and view as soon as one ends. No, I don’t hate my job. Yes, I do have a life during the week. And no, my miracles don’t just happen on Fridays. I just really love the day.

But in lieu of the last post on change, I think this week was shattering enough to make me forget days or time or the semblance of the magic that Fridays bring. What happens when your sense of security gets threatened? What happens when you’re so close to the fire to feel the heat but just about escape the burn? What happens when your walls shatter and you realize you had no walls at all…that the structures you thought were walls were just mirages of a false sense of security? What happens when you just don’t know anymore?

For people like me whose entire worldview is based on boundaries and a sense of security, where I build walls wherever I go, where I construct new meaning as I walk forward and hang them as paintings on these walls, it’s hard to define the feelings you feel when you realize what those walls were really made up of. When meaning and logic cease to exist, there’s havoc, there’s a sense of nothingness and there’s a sense of blankness because everything you knew, attached meaning to and comprehended to be your own, disappears. And it’s hard. It’s that blinding light that hits you and renders you blind. It’s that moment when you can’t think and you fall. It’s that moment when you’re watching everything around you crumble and you’re motionless, unable to hold on to those pieces to fix and put back together. There’s just a sense of desperation left behind.

So, it wasn’t a regular Friday. It wasn’t a day at all. It was just a moment of time that dawned and died. That’s what yesterday felt like. And sometimes in the face of it all, when you still haven’t been able to grasp or comprehend your surroundings, you’re forced to move, because we’ve just got to move. And so one moves. Where you go and what you do is such a crass mix of what you think you control and the pages fate decides to read on that day. And then you just keep moving. Time, they say, plays its part. And the lack of choices, as well.

In the madness of this all, I’m thankful for the pillars I have: of friends and family. Of moments that remind you exactly why you’re here and what you’re meant to be. And what you’re made up of and what you’re worth. Because there can never, ever come a time when you stop believing. Never. There’s got to be that star, that conversation, that string of lyrics, that strum of music, that rhythm, that hug, that random moment that sticks and pulls you together. There’s always that something that wakes you up and guides you when you’re at your disoriented worst. And I’m glad I seized that opportunity to get myself a bit of all that to enable me to write these lines and to believe. To really believe. To believe in good. And the beauty of serendipity; of finding something that you knew belonged to you without your ever looking for it. I’m thankful for time and moments and my pillars. I’m grateful.

And so today, not so long after the happenings of this passed week, I’m here, feeling like someone ironed out those creases that needed ironing out. And the evening looks beautiful. I’ll make do with that for now. It rained today. Small signs. Tomorrow will be another day.

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And because there really is beauty everywhere, here’s a brand new track I woke up to in bed today. Thank you, Alexis, for the magical start. I haven’t looked up the lyrics. I’m not going to either. Do give it a listen. It’s one track that goes on the list of the best discoveries of 2014. Small blessings. Do turn it up. Do let it make you feel. Do let it take you where you really, really, really want to go. Do let it make those sparks within you ignite and show you the fire that lies within. Engulf yourself. Let it.

Have a beautiful evening and a lovely weekend.

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