Motivation and Dancing Pixels

29 May

How often does life zoom right in to your face when you were dreaming or working or pretending to? By zoom in to your face I mean zoomed in to the extent that every pixel got out of its allocated space and danced in front of you in jeering sorta way? No, I’m not on drugs. I’ll be cliched and say I’m heavily into life and if you want to call that a drug, you may.

So, has that happened to you? Because it sure did happen to me today when I was working or pretending to. And then I felt dramatically (because I believe I’m dramatic) panicky. Because when those pixels danced in front of me in all their glory, all that I could comprehend/understand/muster out of me was a big, fat, huge, fugly (I despise the word, btw!) WTF! Yeah, you read that right. Why, must you wonder, was my response that as opposed to doves flying out into a rainbowy horizon? That’s because I’m in what the world of cynically clinically mental health professionals call a Quarter Life Crisis or QLC from now on. It’s one to actually have a problem and it’s another to attach a label to everything. Apparently, from when I last heard, everything was a disorder in varying degrees or will eventually be. Take that, life! You can take that and skip along! We’re screwed even before you could try! Moving on (and I’m sorry to digress)…

So this QLC bug made itself into my mind because my mind has this huge welcome sign for everything that needs pondering and over-pondering and fretting and over-fretting. So while I sat stumped and said WTF in every possible tone, tenor, speed, accent, dialect and style (in mute because one doesn’t try such stuff at work), I figured I had a lot of stuff to figure out. Surprise surprise. Don’t we all love it when we need to face life square in the face and figure things out? Yeah. That feeling.is.just.so.pretty.

WTF Babska, what the hell are you doing with your life?
WTF Babska, where did your ambitions go?
WTF Babska, don’t you dare tell me you have no ambitions. Do you?
WTF Babska, are you effing kidding me? Your silence scares me.
WTF Babska, do you have a passion?
WTF Babska, if yes, what the hell is it? What are you doing about it? No??? Are you effing kidding me?!
WTF Babska, you cannot have everything just yet.
WTF Babska, no you may not go get yourself tea and chocolate. Sit down and listen to me rip your joke of a life into shreds.
WTF Babska, defend your life! If you have something to defend that is.
WTF Babska, whatever happened to the subjects you majored in and loved?!
WTF Babska, are you ever gonna show the world how creative you tell me you think you are?!

(Did you count that?! It reminded me of the time when I tried counting the number of times f**k was said in Pulp Fiction. We called it the ‘eff meter’ then.)

When a magnifying glass falls your way, run. Or count the WTFs that come your way. Or keep calm and drink tea or have a ginormous bar of chocolate. And when you’ve tried doing all that on multiple occasions, you could start panicking.

I realize there’s a lot to do. There are a lot of dreams that have sprung up, docked themselves and have been waiting for me to get off my ass and take them to sea. I realize there are so many things to be done and I say this because today, not only do we have a million trillion options but the means of making them work. Or trying to make them work if not anything else. I’ve been living behind a concrete wall of fear in the guise of excuses. No, I don’t have the money. No, not now. No, later. No, this isn’t the time. No, no, no.

I do not regret any decision I have made so far and maybe that’s my single most cherished trump card I hold up every time the magnifying glass comes my way. I’ve tried many a things I never dreamed I would. The thing is, as much as I am a compulsive planner who is a control freak, I’m surprisingly lax about things I cannot control. I do not believe in chalking my life out because that doesn’t fit my bill. I’m not the girl who should’ve done xyz by ages 20, 25, etc, etc. Why? Because a) I loathe this wonderful thing we call expectations and b) I loathe the shit that hits the fan when expectations aren’t met.

This doesn’t in any way mean that I have zero goals. I have goals about things in life that I deem more abstract which I will speak about later sometime. So yes, I don’t have a big bank balance but I do have the richness of time to throw caution to the wind and travel minus a care. I do not get a fat paycheck but I love my work and am (most importantly) learning for now. I may not be working at the biggest, bestest company but I am working at a place that takes great care of me and my needs for which I am more than grateful. I am doing work that any ordinary Jane can do but I’m alive, awake, thinking and living every single second of my life. I may not be counseling but I’m working on my mental, emotional and physical health first and I haven’t felt healthier and stronger than the past few years. I may not be actively contributing to the field of psychology but my soul breathes it because I live my learning every single day. I may not know what I want to do with my life but I know I’ve got to do something even if it means hiring someone to yank me out of my comfort zone.

There are always going to be so many ifs and buts and hows and whys. And I sure as hell know I will never have the answers to these questions at most times. But I’m okay with that because thank God I’m not a control freak where I can’t be.

There are plans. There are dreams. There are desires. There are projects. There will always be more money that has to be earned. There will always be a ladder at some point.

It’s one to write all this down and inject a million shots of self-motivation into one’s system. It’s another to get up and let the shots do the talking. It’s another to get up and live. YOLO!

So while the magnified dancing pixels jive in front of me, I will go back to doing my job tomorrow and advertise for global giants. I will market destinations all the while wishing I could be everywhere I entice people to be. And while I’m fully and wholly aware that everybody can do what I’m doing, the magnified dancing pixels teach me at every single step of the way that nobody can ever be like you; that nobody can ever be like me.

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