8 Oct

Conversations are like mirrors. They reflect what you’re trying to think, say, feel. They show you what you’re thinking, saying and feeling. They try to. I was talking to her yesterday about how I seem to look at what I’ve lost rather than focus on what I still have and how much I despise that aspect about me.

I realize I don’t allow for anyone or anything to be too close to me unless I can handle it. I certainly take my time to open up and work on those walls. However, it doesn’t always work that way. People happen to you. And even though you had more than a hand to play in letting them happen to you, things don’t always go according to plan. As I near the end of another year, I cannot help but look back. It’s a reflex action now. October 2011 to October 2012 has been… I’ll complete that when I’m ready to.

In the meantime, I chanced upon this track that made me get here and write this post out. Music speaks. And overwhelmingly so. Why’d the trance junkie land up with a track like this one? I guess I had to be spoken to.

So yeah. I count everything and everyone I’ve lost not because I’m envious of where they’ve gone to but because they were a part of my life; a part that became more than just ordinary snippets. While the world thinks it best to look straight ahead and walk on, I cannot help but look back more than a million times to see, to reminisce, to wonder what the hell happened. Even though there exists a sense of peace in walking forward and leaving the past behind, something feels hollow because what the heck, pieces of your life fell apart and disappeared. That’s not something we ever bargain for. Or hope for. It’s not something you cannot not be emotional about. It’s not something that can be erased. It’s not something that can stop existing.

I’d like to remember the good times, the great times and the fantastic ones. And even though Swedish House Mafia tells me that there’s a road ahead, I choose to drive away with my rear-view mirrors intact because I cannot forget where I came from and who I came with even if they’re not on this journey with me anymore. For those who are traveling their journey alongside mine and with me, there’s not a time I don’t remember you.



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