Anger

24 Feb
Anger. It’s volatile, severe, crass, crude and debilitating. It’s all-encompassing and all-consuming – in that one moment. That one moment which bathes you in a feeling so intense, so absolute, that it’s hard to digress or dilute. It’s hard to break away unless you’ve had that release; whatever it may be. I still haven’t figured out what my ‘typical’ release is yet. I seethe, I cry, I scream, I shut down or I wait till the pressure cooker bursts. I still don’t know which of these go-tos I can call my own. All I know is that I’ve reached the pressure cooker stage because every thing seems to set me off. 


And no matter how hard I try to keep the whistle from blowing in anyone’s face, it just doesn’t work anymore. I can’t seem to hold on, to keep my cool, to walk off and sulk it off like I would otherwise do. I’m caught in this situation more than I’d like to be. And it definitely isn’t a pleasant sight. It’s the after effect of a nasty blow yesterday that left me brooding on my way to work today – how and what can I do to manage my anger?


This perhaps leads me to why I’m actually writing this post on something so personal, so intense, so carnal almost; over here. I had an epiphany of sorts. And it’s helping me put a lot of things in perspective. Anger Management. I’ve studied it, used it, counseled people with it, etc, etc. I remember talking about and practicing a kazillion options – 


Count till 12 
Take deep breaths
Tear paper


The list is endless.


However, like all things theoretical and text-bookish, they come with what I call a user-expiry date. And by that I’m referring to the temporariness of these techniques. They are not the end itself, but a means to getting there. I’m slowly coming to believe that no amount of anger management is going to help unless you figure out why you’re angry. These tips help us dilute the volatility of this emotion for the time being. They do not solve or resolve our emotion or the cause of it. Therefore, if you are an angry person, try these tips as much as you like, but they won’t change the angry person you are.


I realize this today. I realize I’m an angry person and that I have a short temper to complement it. I don’t practice these tips because in that moment when you’re seething, the last thing you think about are options to suppress it. I realize I’m at the stage, like I said earlier, where I need my release – whatever it may be. I cannot escape it. I need it out of my system and done with. I cannot take a moment out and think. Rationality defeats the purpose of emotion. 


I’ve taken the road of silence and tears all this while. No more. And it’s precisely these moments that make you stand back and realize what the hell is happening. It’s when you’re down in the dumps that you realize you need to get the hell up and keep walking. It’s when you’re left with your raw, bare emotion that you realize what the hell you’re going through. And it’s exactly these moments that bring you back, that make you wake up and take a good look at yourself. 


Throw the damn tips outta the window. Feel the emotion. It’ll be the biggest wake up call you could ever have. 
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